Midnight Sex Run Page #6

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Hey, you live around here?

We can go drink that.

I live with Aaron.

That's cool.

Don't act like you know him.

Aaron's a mother f***in'

tattoo artist genius.

He's designing my sleeve.

That's cool.

What are you getting?

It's just me fisting your

mom up to my elbow.

You know, pull out,

it's all mom ass.

Mom dingleberries hanging from it.

I'd love to see the design.

Right away would be good.

What're you saying? You wanna

follow me back to my crib?

Drink my wine?

Worm your way into my p*ssy?

We could do that, yeah.

[fart and sex noises]...

... [laughter]...

... And this guys nuts smelled

bad enough as it is.

Yup. Now they're

chocolate covered nuts.

[loud, distorted guitar]...

... Yeah. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

Freestyle.

I can't. I can't.

Hit me with a freestyle.

[beat boxing]...

... I can't. Stop... stop.

So what's up then?

You got cars?

Yeah. I have a car. Sure.

What kind of car you got?

It's a 2005 BMW.

Oh sh*t.

[loud, distorted guitar again].

Yeah. C'mon, c'mon. F*** it up.

That's a beamer song, man.

Look at you and your beamer...

... and your iced expresso

motha f***in' machine.

Yeah.

How come you know Kelsey?

We met at a dumpster earlier.

Ya'll met at a dumpster and

then you came into my house?

Yeah.

Hey Jew boy. Come here.

Kelsey.

That's her. Excuse me.

No, no, no. Yo, yo, yo,

are you askin' or tellin' me?

What?

A said are you askin' me, or tellin' me?

Askin' or tellin'?

It's two mu f***in'--...

... Askin' or tellin'?

Askin'...

... or tellin'?

Askin'...

... It's a riddle.

It's a what?

You wait here.

Oh.

Hey, dude. Get in here.

C'mon. Oh f***.

Sorry this isn't very J Crew

of me. Gimme some fire.

I need a light, Schlomo.

The matches are over there.

I got a big piece of crap

hanging out of my a**hole.

[cough] Very cool.

Ahh...

[pooping]...

... Yup, that melted my spike.

C'mon, f***-o.

MUSIC...

...Well that's my time, lesbians.

My name is Kate Mancini,

and I'll be in the lobby giving

shitty blowj*bs all night.

Hey, just a warning on those.

This is a woman who took...

...blowj*b lessons by watching

a dog lick peanut butter...

...off the top of it's mouth, so...

...she's not kidding about those

shitty blowj*b, folks.

[clapping]...

... F*** yeah.

What? Are you here for the

shitty blowj*b?

Yeah. Where do I sign in?

I want one.

Well whip it out brother. Your

dick isn't gonna suck itself.

Kate, you are so f***ing funny.

You're hysterical.

I'm a huge fan.

Yeah right. I always zero in on

the chode who isn't laughing...

...and tonight, that chode was you.

I'm gonna laugh a lot later

when I'm at home,

alone with all my cats.

Wow. You are such a kiss ass.

So, where the f***...

do you live?

I'm sorry that's a little forward.

Where do you live?

I rep Long Beach, son.

You're gonna drive back to

Long Beach tonight?

In the dark?

You should get a hotel room.

What do you own a f***ing

Days Inn or something?

Oh, are you a housekeeper?

[chuckle] There you go again.

[knock, knock]...

... 'Housekeeping.

I here to steal iPad.'

I'm not a housekeeper. I'm just

a guy who's enjoying your riff...

... so much, that he wants to

get you a hotel room--...

... Get a room? Hmm. And hang

out, and get raped...

...by a Frankenstein impersonator?

Pass.

Raped? Raped? Rape?

Nobody rapes anymore.

That's out. You know what's in?

Hotel rooms. Get in hotel

rooms with strangers.

And I'm gonna give you a bath,

and I'm gonna tuck you into bed,

and I'm gonna give you a

glass of warm milk,

and I'm gonna read you a story.

Something from the Bible.

So I'd be like your daughter

and you'd be like my dad?

If that's what you took from that, yes.

And you'd, comb the knots out of my hair,

talcum my pink a**hole and check

for monsters under my bed...

... 'cause you're my dad?

Yeah. All three. I'm your dad.

That would be amazing.

Are you being serious

about this right now?

'Cause I'm totally being serious.

I will do that sh*t all

night. You have no idea.

Well, I'm being serious...

... young lady, now let's go.

Or no supper, no nothing.

Now let's go. C'mon.

Oh, but daddy, I have to tinkle.

You can tinkle at the motel, now

let's go, Kathrine. Chop, chop.

Or I'll turn this car

around, you little b*tch.

Okay. Alright. Okay.

Touch my chicken.

[sniff] MUSIC...

... I'm writing this movie about ferries.

It's got these three little

fairies that climb the mountain,

and they all have ferry abortions.

This Filipino guy I met, he's

gonna produce this sh*t.

Produce my sh*t.

F***, my f***in' toe nail is

gonna pop the f*** off again.

[pounding the floor]...

... What're you doing later?

Let's go to the beach and

let's f***ing find tarantulas,

and put 'em in a jar,

and eat 'em.

I gotta get some food coloring.

I wanna shadow box.

Okay, you're getting hysterical.

Come here.

Oh my God,

You smell like a horse.

That means it's bath time.

When you smell like a horse, --...

... Bath time.

- -get with the bath.

I love bath time.

But daddy--.

Oh, honey. You are just going up

right before my very eyes.

But daddy, why are you trying to

stick you tounge down my thwoat?

Honey, daddy's worried that

you have a soar throat.

And I've misplaced my

thermometer so I was going to...

... check your temperature with my tongue.

Yeah. My tonsils are all hurty daddy.

That's what I was worried about.

So open up and say 'Ahh'

Ahhhh.

Oh my God, you should totally

come on my podcast as my fake,

creepy dad and I'll interview

you while you try to trick me...

...into some f***ed up molestation.

That'd be really funny.

Open your mouth.

[spit]...

... AH.

[laughter]...

...Can you stop being punk rock

for five minutes?

Can you stop being a creepy

robot man with a metal butthole?

Alright, listen. I'm serious.

Just try it. Act normal.

One minute.

Ready, set, go.

'I am a robot rapist. I water my

electric prick with your...

... human p*ssy juice.'

Okay, let's try something different.

Let's hang out on the bed,

listen to your music,

just talk, get to know each other...

... Where are you from?

What does your mother do?

F*** you.

How's it going wisenheimer?

Holy sh*t.

I'm sorry. That's another project that I'm...

... currently working on.

It's like a side project.

Walkie f***in' talkie.

What are you some kind of Nazi spy?

'Vizen- Himer, get on zee train

with zee otha priz-ners.

I vant more lamp shades.'

'Certainly, frauline. But virst

I must use zee potty.'

MUSIC...

... Take off your uniform.

Hey. That's a great idea.

Yeah? You like it?

Yeah. Let's do that.

You f***in' like it?

Yeah, I love it.

You love that sh*t.

You love it.

Take it off.

Show me those titties.

Alright.

Oh, look it Rufus.

Look at him and his little Jew nipples.

Hey, what color was

your hair originally?

Bald.

You like peanut butter burritos?

What?

Hey Jeff, man could you

f***in' not beep in...

... when I'm trying to do my sh*t?

Here ye, here ye,

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