Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous Page #5

---

- Nine!

Thank you. Watch the news,

I'll do a little shout out.

Thanks, Gracie.

Hey! Hey! Hold up! Hold up. Wait.

Okay. Somebody came up to me

the day before.

She offers me 200 bucks if I will park

far away from the entrance at the home...

...and that's it. That's all I know, I swear.

- She? What did she look like?

- Oh, Miss Hart, would you mind?

- Oh, I'm actually in a hurry.

- Is it true you're seeing Prince William?

- Oh, I'm...

No, we were just talking at a book party.

He's in love with me, but I hate castles.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hey.

- Let me explain something to you.

You didn't do what was on the schedule,

and I'm a schedule-type person.

You missed the press conference.

I went to the Bureau because

I got a tip from the limo driver...

...who said that somebody

who looked like Dolly Parton...

...paid him not to park

in front of the senior home.

- Did you hear what you just said?

- Yeah.

And why did you go out

without clearing it with me?

Clearing it with you?

Hey, I'll bet no one's had breakfast...

I'm sorry, but I don't work for you.

Okay? You work for me, so...

- No, you didn't just say I work for you.

- You work for me.

- You work for me.

- Shut up.

- You work for me.

- Shut up.

Fuller, I don't have the time

for this, okay?

Listen, why don't we just get something...

Okay, look. I am the face of the Bureau.

You are here to help me be the face of the

Bureau, which means that you work for me.

It's no big...

Look, Hart, I am your bodyguard.

That means I need a body to guard!

You hit me, which means

I could bring you up on charges.

If I could just bring myself up

right now.

Okay, look, I don't work for you.

You don't work for me.

We're a team. Get it? As in "I will kick your

sorry ass if you don't listen to me" team.

If you remember correctly,

it was "skinny ass. "

And, second of all,

what is your problem, Fuller?

Do you honestly feel it's okay to go around

harassing people and bashing their faces in?

Guess what.

You will never make it in this Bureau...

...if you don't start using your head.

You just use...

What, you start listening to me now?

Stop it! Stop! Stop!

All right.

Fuller, violence is not the answer

to our problems, all right? It's not.

And I'm not just saying that

because I'm "scared" of you. Okay?

Because I'm... What is that?!

I am calling McDonald. Where's Joel?

I can't go into public like this.

Hey, how are you? Joel!

- Hello.

- You knocked my highlights off.

- What happened?

- Look!

- This will take an hour.

- Tell me about it.

- Misting.

- Ladies.

I really think we should call the networks

and set up another press conference.

You know what?

You're absolutely right. Okay.

I'm gonna go back up to the room.

I'm gonna get a little spritz, a little refresh...

It's her. It's her. Hold this.

- We are not questioning Dolly.

- It's not the real Dolly, so relax.

I know it's not. Stay away from her.

Okay, I'm an adult.

I can act as I please.

- You leave Dolly alone!

- Get your hands off me!

Thank you very much.

Excuse me, fake Dolly!

Hi. Hello. FBI here.

Yeah, I just would love to have

a few words with you if I could.

- Hi, how are you?

- How you doing?

Yeah, thank you for your support.

Yeah. Get off me, you stalker! Get off me!

Fake Dolly!

Where are you going?

Hart!

- Fake Dolly!

- Gracie!

- Stop!

- Hart, stop!

Dolly Parton!

What is it about this outfit that is making

everyone so uncooperative?

Gracie Hart!

Blondie! No pictures. Hold on.

Excuse me. I need for you to...

- Open! Just...

- Watch it!

- Someone stop that fake Dolly!

- Hart, stop!

Stop her!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Please don't make me do something

that's not ladylike.

Okay, FBI. I have just a few questions

for you.

Me first! What is the matter with you?

Miss Hart! What are you doing?

Miss Parton is here for a press conference

to announce her new world tour.

There is no world tour,

and this is not Dolly Parton.

Okay, look. Look, these are absolutely...

What are you...? What is she doing?

That hurts!

- Why did you run?

- Some crazy woman was chasing me!

Excuse me, excuse me. Miss Parton, "Here

You Come Again" was my wedding song.

- I just love you.

- Honey, let's leave Miss Parton alone.

I love that song too.

That was an amazing song!

Why are you on top of me?

I'm just a big fan.

It's also on CNN...

...MSNBC...

...and Al Jazeera.

- I was trying to question her regarding...

- You really think you're something special.

I have got 75 people

working on this case day and night...

...and they don't stack up to you, do they?

- The limo driver...

I want you off this case.

Well, I am sorry, sir, but you don't have

the authority to kick me off this case.

I could call the director,

who happens to be a close, personal friend.

Or I could even call the president,

who invited me to dinner at his house.

And I think we know which house

I'm talking about, don't we? It's white.

Actually, it's eggshell, if you...

I am the SAC in Las Vegas.

I have authority over my territory.

And when the director sees you

on national television...

...nose-tackling his favorite country-western

singer, he will back me up.

Now, I want the two of you

on a jet back to New York today.

Do you think you can handle

that tiny, little task, Foreman?

Of course, sir.

Okay. I got you the last three seats

on the flight.

Janine, Pam, you have to take

the next one. Sorry.

- Because we're just hair and makeup?

- We could go to the bar.

For five hours?

Okay.

The director's gonna call me back

any minute.

Good. And when he does...

...you can let him know that chasing Dolly

was all your dumb idea.

Oh, really? Well, let me ask you something,

Chatty Cathy.

What happened to, "Team, yo.

You and me in it together"?

Don't do that again.

And that was before you ruined my career.

- What?

- Yeah.

McDonald said that if I screwed this up,

then I'm out of the Bureau. Thanks, Hart.

What are you complaining about?

You're not famous.

Nobody knows who you are.

You're a private failure.

But you see this? You see this?

Everybody knows this.

So if I screw up, I'm failure face.

Well, get your failure face

out of my ruined-career face...

...because right now I'm mad,

and I'm pissed off and mad, so...

Oh, okay, hold on.

So you're double mad?

Well, if you're double mad, then I am

mad, mad, mad. All right? Top that one.

- Back off!

- You gotta stop hitting me...

...because every time you do,

it wrinkles!

Ladies, ladies!

Calm down. Sit down. Sit down.

I'm gonna separate the two of you.

Mad, mad, mad, mad. Four.

I can still shoot her from here.

You have to lean over me

to get to her.

Now, let's calm down and try to focus

on the positive. We have our health.

- You'll be getting frequent-flyer miles.

- Foreman, what did you just say?

Frequent-flyer miles.

It's a great way to get upgrades.

No, you said that she...

You said that she would have

to lean over you to get to me.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote