Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous Page #6

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Look at what the kidnappers are doing.

This guy is leaning over Cheryl

to get to Stan.

Why would they do that

if they were after Cheryl?

Okay, and look at this. Look at this.

They're not even touching her.

No, she's just stuck in there,

like a little Cheryl sandwich. She's... She's...

Oh, my God. She is grabbing them.

I taught her that wristlock.

- She's not defending herself. She's...

- She's defending Stan.

Maybe they weren't after Cheryl.

Maybe they were after Stan.

The man can't sing,

but is that a crime?

- That's what we're gonna find out.

- Hey, look, they're boarding.

- Let it go, Hart.

- Oh, Fuller, come on.

Wake up and smell the iced Venti Caramel

Macchiato. You know I'm onto something.

- Okay. Tell Collins.

- We have issues. He won't listen to me.

- And you think I am?

- Yes. Yes, I do.

You know, you don't get your miles unless

you're actually on the flight, so come on.

- You're on your own, Hart.

- No, I'm not.

Because even though you refuse to dress up

or separate those eyebrows...

...you cannot deny that you have a style.

Gray suit, white shirt, masculine shoes.

You are an FBI agent.

And that is all that you have.

And like you said, if you go back there now,

you are out of the Bureau.

Now boarding all rows

on flight 624 to New York.

Fuller, I am begging you.

Do you have any idea

how painful this is for me?

Usually, they give an epidural

for this kind of agony.

Fuller, please, just... Just, please.

Hart, you better be right, or I swear...

You're gonna kick my skinny white ass

and break my face. I know.

I already paid for the seats, and I don't

get reimbursed unless you're on the flight.

I'm letting you spend the night

because I wanna keep my eyes on you.

- Tomorrow, you guys are on a flight.

- Okay, as soon as we go to the home.

- Whose home?

- Where Stan Fields' mother lives.

She was the last person to see him.

Maybe she knows something.

You're supposed to be in New York. You're

famous. Everyone there will recognize you.

Not to worry. Joel will come up

with something to make us blend.

- He's a born blender.

- I don't believe this.

You guys are lucky

that Janet had to work late...

...because if she was here,

she would not put up with any of this.

Now, Janet... Janet runs a tight ship.

I love shopping in Vegas. Where else can

you find a 24-hour wiggery? Well, to work.

Hey, hey! That's my room! Hey!

Hey!

- I never would have suspected.

- What?

You as a dainty-travel-pillow type.

- It's hypoallergenic.

- Oh, really?

- And what are you allergic to?

- Besides you?

Shellfish, cats, dogs,

any type of animal dander...

...dairy products, dust...

- You should be in a plastic bubble.

- Plastic.

- That explains it.

- Explains what?

- Why you're so angry.

- I'm not angry, I'm allergic.

All I was saying was that it just,

you know...

...couldn't have been easy

being a kid sick like that all the time.

I mean, not being able to have a dog

or a cat or ice cream or dust.

It wasn't bad.

- Really?

- I got to hang out with my dad a lot.

He was a sportswriter, so we got to watch

all the games on TV together...

...and he taught me how to box.

Taught me how to take care of myself.

Well, I'm sure he was very proud of you.

Was?

Yeah, I read on your file that he died

before you became an agent.

- You read my file?

- I had to make sure you weren't crazy.

- Yeah. Turns out you can't trust a file.

- Yeah, well, I guess you can't.

I thought I would've liked a tough tomboy

from Jersey whose mom was an agent.

- You read my file?

- Worse.

Your book.

Had to make sure you weren't crazy.

Turns out you can't trust a book.

Yeah, they brought in this writer...

...who managed to turn the entire story

into some fairy tale.

In the first draft, he made it sound like

my mother died...

...single-handedly saving the country,

when all it was was just, you know, a...

It was just a drug bust gone bad.

Sorry.

Sorry about your dad.

But I'm mostly sorry

you had to read that book.

I like the pictures, though.

Oh, really?

Yeah, especially that one with that guy.

What was his name?

Which one?

The agent, the one

that was in the pageant with you.

Eric Matthews.

Yeah. He was hot.

I guess.

Night, Hart.

Good night, Fuller.

Foreman, we're in. Approaching target.

Welcome to Prestige Assisted Living.

How can I help you?

Hi, I'm Joel Flammenbaum,

and this is my mother.

Ida. Ida Flammenbaum. How are you?

This is my lovely nurse, Rosie.

- Hello.

- She's not very social...

...but she gives a superb enema

if you're feeling a little clogged up.

Are you interested

in touring our facilities?

Oh, yes, we are very interested.

I can't wait to get rid of her.

Oh, don't you listen to him. He's a mama's

boy. Come here, cutie. Let me fix your tie.

- He's such a mama's boy.

- Mom, not now.

Now, that is a mama's boy's face.

That's a mama's boy's face.

Do you have a euthanasia program?

We just need to fill out some forms.

If you'll just give me one minute.

Keep the receptionist busy.

We're gonna ask some questions,

assuming we can find anyone that can hear.

Hold my purse. Let's roll, Rosie.

Hello there. I'm Ida Flammenbaum.

I am new.

Well, I'm not new.

- And you are?

- Buster Harrison.

Oh, Buster. Is it true that Stan Fields'

mother is residing here?

Yes, she's right over there.

Carol? This is Ida.

She wanted to meet you.

Oh, Buster. Oh, Buster, I'm so sorry. Give

Buster one of your famous foot massages.

Hey. While I'm at it, how about one

of my famous enemas?

Can you get two of them in a day?

Mrs. Fields, Mrs. Fields.

Sounds like the cookie. It's very funny.

Not after you've heard it

for 30 years, Ida.

I'm sure. I just wanted

to come over here...

...and tell you how very sorry I am

about the kidnapping.

Oh, yeah, poor, poor Stanley.

But he had it coming.

Really?

Well, from what I hear from everyone,

he's such a mensch.

- I mean, who would wanna hurt him?

- Well, you know, he loved the sluts.

He loved the sluts?

- The sluts!

- The sluts.

- The slut machines.

- Slot machines.

When he wasn't doing that pageant,

he was here in Vegas, gambling.

I don't know where he gets that from.

So you were saying... You were saying

that your son, he loves the slot machines.

I begged him to stop. I said to him:

"One of these days, gambling's

gonna get you in a lot of trouble. "

I lent him 600 bucks,

I never got it back.

I was ready to break his legs,

and I'm his mother.

Wait till the loan sharks

get ahold of him.

The loan sharks every time will get you.

They're very...

Loan shark.

- It's the loan sharks.

- Ida, you can walk!

- Praise Jesus!

- Moses.

Moses, I am walking again.

Sign me up for this place.

I love it here, and the men

make me all fakakta.

Jeff, why are we here?

- Because we had a deal, Gracie.

- Okay, look.

Deals are like pearls. They're lovely,

but they fall apart all the time.

I'm grabbing your luggage.

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