Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous Page #8

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...and you can spend a very long time

in Las Vegas, in a jail cell.

I have really had just about enough of your

rudeness and insensitivity and cologne.

Oh, really? And what are you gonna do

about it? Call the director?

Go ahead. I got off the phone with him.

Know what he said?

He said that you are the biggest mistake

he ever made.

And he said, and I quote...

...that you "have become a liability

and an embarrassment to the Bureau. "

Now, get going.

Okun.

It's Collins.

Yes, sir, we're at the airport.

- Is he mad at me?

- Sorry, sir, I'm losing you.

- Does he wanna talk to me?

- Foreman! Leave him alone!

Now boarding, flight 624 to New York.

Yeah. I was looking at your ad...

...and I was wondering if you have

a Dolly Parton performer.

No?

Okay.

Hart, maybe you were right about Dolly.

Maybe you just had the wrong Dolly.

- You don't know if they have a Dolly.

- They don't.

I just called there, and they said

the only place in Vegas...

...that has a Dolly Parton performer

is the Oasis Drag Club.

Just get on the plane, Fuller.

- Do you wanna save Cheryl or not?

- I'm gonna get her killed.

What's up with you? What happened

to that girl from the pageant?

She's gone.

Her boyfriend, Eric Matthews, broke up

with her, and it was absolutely devastating.

Is that what happened to you?

Oh, that's pathetic. Come on.

Plenty of guys have broken up with me.

You just beat them up and move on.

Only you and Foreman

turn it into some big soap opera.

Well. Of course you don't understand

how Jeff feels, because he's not a cyborg.

He knows what it feels like

to be rejected and humiliated.

To feel your heart ripped open...

...because you finally took a chance

on that relationship...

...and it wound up confirming

your worst fears...

...that you are worthless

and not worth caring about.

So you may not understand,

but that is how Jeff feels.

Matthews was right to dump you.

- Take that back.

- I would say, "Make me," but you can't.

Okay.

All right. Well...

...then I just have two things to say.

- What?

- First of all, we are in a public place...

...so we have to display a sense

of decorum, and second of all...

...I might break a nail.

Take it back! Take it back.

Jeez!

All the stuff that Collins said back there

was a bunch of bull.

You figured out the limo driver was dirty.

You figured out that they were after Stan.

You're not lucky. You're good.

Thank you. But take it back,

take it back, take it back.

Okay, I'll take it back.

I'll take it back if you admit one thing.

Oh, God!

For the first time in a long time,

you feel like the real Gracie Hart.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Straining muscles

cutting off someone's air supply.

Sweating like a pig.

You're right, I feel like a woman again.

Good. I take it back. Now release.

You first.

- On three.

- One.

Two. Three.

Oh, no.

Okay, just to show you I trust you.

Now boarding all passengers

for flight 624 to New York.

Thanks.

All right.

Okay, kids, time for the circus

to leave town.

Come on, girls.

How are we gonna get rid of these guys?

I don't know. But it has to be subtle.

Keep it moving.

God!

Lordy!

Ladies' time.

I have the cramps. I have to...

I have to go to the bathroom.

There's one on the plane.

I know, but, guys, PMS for me means

"pants might shred," so I gotta...

- Forget it, Hart.

- Guys, you don't understand. I bloat.

I take on water, and I expand, and I may

change the cabin pressure of that plane.

I gotta take her to the bathroom.

- I need a tampon!

- You heard her, we got a agent down.

We need tampons!

- I'm not getting those.

- I don't do it for my wife.

This is a job for a real man.

Any particular brand?

- Any brand.

- Janet liked the ones in the blue box...

...with the daisies on it.

You're really not following this, are you?

Something's up.

Tampons.

Give them a couple minutes.

Zero-one, what do you got?

- No movement. Good to go.

- Copy that. Griffin, go to green.

FBI! Get down!

- Nobody move!

- Clear!

Sir, it's empty.

You heard the FBI, bro.

They're not gonna pay.

They'll pay, or we'll kill Fields

and Frazier.

Let's see them explain that

at their press conference.

- How'd you know they'd come?

- Choppers.

Twice a day they fly to Vegas

to do traffic reports...

...but that last one didn't come

at rush hour.

I knew it was them.

I said, stay down!

Griffin, secure a 500-foot perimeter

and get me something.

Tire tracks, cigarette butts for DNA,

but something.

You got it, sir.

Sir, I just got a call from Agent Okun.

Hart didn't get on the plane.

I need a minute with Agent McCarren.

Well, apparently, she faked a case

of cramps and escaped with Fuller.

Where's your idiot boyfriend?

Ex-boyfriend! He was on his way to buy

tampons for her when he left with them.

Oh, well, how very, very considerate.

I don't have time for this.

She is ruining my investigation!

She's just trying to get another bestseller

out of this, Walter.

This should be your bestseller.

You're right.

You're right.

I want you to find her and Fuller

and arrest them for obstruction of justice.

We're in the clear. Joel, where are they?

Someone's gonna see us.

They said they had to get ready

for the mission.

Well, we are running out of time.

- Come on, Laverne and Shirley, move it!

- Ready?

- Armed.

- And fabulous, except for the...

Let's go. Jeff, you got the rap sheets.

All right, this guy...

This guy's still in prison.

This guy is too short

to match the surveillance video.

This guy is...

This guy's brothers with this guy.

Burglary, grand theft auto.

Hold on. How are we supposed

to get to Dolly?

We go to the drag club,

flash our badges and interrogate her.

And if she doesn't cooperate?

Violence. I have some catching up to do.

Then she's gonna call the cops and say

that she was attacked by Gracie Hart.

Then Collins is gonna find out about it,

and we'll all end up in the big house.

- We gotta blend in.

- Not to worry.

I know what to do. I've been waiting

for this moment my entire life.

Let's go over this again. We're not leaving

until we find and interrogate Dolly Parton.

That's something

I never thought I'd say. Jeff?

- I'm backup. If Dolly tries to flee, I got her.

- I'm gonna check out the dressing rooms.

I'm really just here to have a good time.

Oh, God, I just don't see why

I couldn't be Tina.

- You don't see that?

- I am the Tina Turner fan.

Ladies, knock it off. We are here

to get information. Earpieces in?

All right, let's move.

- I wanna go in there.

- Go backstage?

Liza plus two, you're up next.

Hello. I'm Elizabeth Taylor.

What do we have here?

Tina and?

- Coco.

- Where do you think you're going?

The only people who get to go

to the dressing rooms are our regulars...

...and our open-mikers

after they pass round one.

Could you step aside, Coco?

And you are?

She's classy, she's lovely,

she's perfect to a T.

My very favorite, Liza with a Z.

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