Miss Dial Page #7

---

Let's give it a shot.

Yes!

Hang on.

Okay, are you ready?

Yeah.

For questions or comments about

our canned goods, press one.

For electronic items,

press two.

For dry goods like cereals

or pancake mix, press three.

Dry goods, if you are calling

because you found a stone

in your stone-ground

oatmeal, press one.

If you have a question

about how to use one of

our fantastic granola bar

products, press two.

For all other questions

or concerns, press three.

You've reached the

CPI bacon hotline.

If you're calling with

a question or concern

about frying, press one.

If you're calling about how to

make your bacon even smokier,

go on and press two.

You pressed

the wrong number.

For questions or comments

about giving bacon

as a gift,

press three.

Operator!

You've reached CPI

Consumer Affairs.

For English, press one.

I already did that!

Cheerio.

For queries about our scones

and tea cake mix,

kindly depress the

zed key presently.

Oh, what the sh*t

is the zed key?

I give up.

That was classic.

Oh my God.

I'm getting fired!

You see, you got

a career in comedy.

I'm serious, you should

write about this stuff.

Oh my gosh!

I like you so much.

I... wow, I'm sorry,

that was weird.

Nah, that's okay.

I like you too.

I'm totally embarrassed.

It's okay, Erica.

You said what you were

feeling, that's okay.

That's enjoyable.

Who cares?

Uh, let's talk about

something else, okay?

Okay, uh, you ready to

talk about your boyfriend?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Let's, um, let's talk

about my boyfriend.

I guess I know you

well enough now.

I could give you my

social security number.

Yes and your

bank statements.

Right.

Uh, okay...

So, uh, here's the story.

Um, Alex works at this big

pharmaceutical company and, uh,

he's the regional sales manager

and one of the associates on

his team is this slutty, totally

slutty girl named Amanda.

I like her already.

Yeah, well, she knows that Alex

and I are together and yet,

she insists on plying

him with little gifts

and calling him on the

weekends just to talk.

So they're friends.

Yeah right.

Anyway, I've seen the texts

she sent Alex and it's like

she's basically all but inviting

him over for a booty call and I

confronted Alex about it and he

was like oh you know, she's just

kidding, whatever, like it was

some sort of inside office joke.

Okay, so maybe they're

sleeping together, maybe not.

Okay, then last Friday my friend

Sara saw the two of them

together at the Olive Garden

and they were totally -

Wait.

Hold up.

Stop right there.

The Olive Garden,

seriously?

Yeah. Why?

People really go to

the Olive Garden?

Yes, people really go

to the Olive Garden

and what does that have

to do with anything?

Nothing, it's just -

okay, have you ever seen

commercials for

the Olive Garden?

Where they've got that garlic

parmesan cheese sauce or

whatever the hell it is, it

looks like throw up, you know?

Yeah, it kind of does.

I mean, I would rather

eat a plate of vomit

than that cream sauce.

Okay, Olive Garden cream

sauce looks like vomit.

What, did the Olive Garden

kill your dog or something?

Yeah, like I'd take my dog

anywhere near that place.

Now if you want

really good Italian,

there's this incredible

place on Sullivan Street.

They've got this

unbelievable veal parmesan.

See, I'm a

vegetarian so...

Right, I forgot, I'm dealing

with Miss California here.

Okay well there's an eggplant

parm, it's really good there.

Ah.

Are you Italian

or something?

No I'm Scotch-Irish but,

uh, I mean, come on, I can,

I know the difference between

good Italian food

and the Olive Garden.

Okay, are you done?

Yes, sorry.

So, uh, your classy

boyfriend took his hot,

young co-worker out for

a fine meal of breadsticks

and endless salad.

Yes, and they're both sitting

on the same side of the booth,

totally cuddling.

Did they kiss?

No, but you can tell

from their body language

that something

is going on.

According to Sara who

told you this directly?

No, according to Sara

who told my best friend Sam

and she told me directly.

Yeah... I don't know.

I mean, even if what Sara

saw was conveyed accurately,

I mean, who knows

what that means.

So you don't think

he's cheating on me?

You want to

know the truth?

Yeah, of course I want

to know the truth.

The truth is it's

over either way.

Okay, say he's

cheating, right.

That's an easy one, you dump his

ass unless you're one of those

women who wants to grow up and

live the rest of your life

with a philandering husband

that you think you can change.

Okay so, what if

he's not cheating?

It doesn't matter.

You're already with

someone you don't trust,

you can't talk to and you

don't love, so who cares.

But I do love him.

Oh.

Sorry, I have to gag.

Are you serious?

Really?

I mean, is your self-esteem

so low that you think

this guy is the

best you can do?

Come on.

I mean, are you that insecure

that you don't think

you deserve

someone better?

Someone like you?

Yeah, okay.

Someone like me.

Okay, Kyle McAvoy,

tell me, if you're so great,

why are you still single?

Ah right, of course,

'cause if a man is available

then there must be something

wrong with him.

Well that's been

my experience, yes.

Okay.

Well, FYI, I just got out of

a relationship with a woman,

and I use that term loosely,

who was giving blow jobs

to strangers for cocaine

and when I ended it,

she tried to

kill herself.

Wow!

You must be a great

judge of character.

Yeah, thank you.

And by the way, I think

she stole my watch.

I'm sorry,

that's funny.

It is,

it's hysterical.

You had no idea

about any of this?

No, I mean, yeah now, sure

it seems obvious, I mean,

why was she having bloody noses

all the time and herpes,

but love blinds

you, you know.

Yeah, I guess.

P.S. I don't

have herpes.

Oh, congratulations,

that's good.

Yeah, thank you.

I'm glad I, uh,

dodged that bullet.

Look, I'm sorry I, uh, I guess

I don't know you all that well

but it just seems to

me that you either,

you demand that people

treat you with respect

or you just get walked on

the rest of your life.

I mean then,

what then?

Say I... say I do everything

you're saying and I quit my job

and I break up with my boyfriend

and I strip my life down bare

to the few things that I'm

actually proud of, then what?

I mean, so what then?

Then you hold

your head up high

and you venture out

into the unknown.

Instead of playing it safe

with what you know,

you take a chance

on what could be.

It sounds so romantic

when you say it.

Uh...

So what's it gonna be?

Oh, hold on.

Crap, that's him.

I've gotta go, I have

to take this call.

I'll call you back?

Good luck.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey babe.

I'm getting

out of here.

You still

coming over?

Um, yeah... I mean,

I don't know.

Look, we need to talk.

Oh Jesus, here we go.

I just think that our

relationship is in trouble

if we can't talk about

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes