Miss Dial Page #6

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because you don't know

what else you want to do.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Alright, well, I think you

should just a write a book

about life as

a Consumer Affairs Rep.

Oh yeah, I should do that.

I should totally do that.

I'm serious.

Tales from the trenches, most

ridiculous stories, you know,

dumbest people, just all the

crazy sh*t you deal with

every day.

You don't know

the half of it.

Yeah, well let me -

Let me listen in.

Yeah right.

No, I'm serious.

There's gotta be a way

you can connect me

into your calls, right?

Yeah, I mean, it's

easy to do, it's just,

I mean, what would

be the point?

I'm curious.

Besides I can hear your phone

beeping in the background.

I know you gotta take

some of those calls.

Uh...

Okay, let's do it.

Okay but, okay I'm gonna

hang up and call you back

but you have to be quiet okay,

because I can't mute it.

You got it.

Alright.

Hey. Are you there?

Yep.

Okay, don't say

anything, okay?

You got it.

Okay.

Hi, you've reached CPI Consumer

Affairs, this is Erica.

And which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling

about today?

Uh, yeah, hello.

I'm calling about

your refried beans.

Okay, and how

can I help you?

Well, I was just wondering

if you all sold beans

that were just

once fried?

Um, excuse me?

Well, well you see, I just

started this new diet and I

thought I would cut back on the

refried beans and just you know

get beans that were once fried,

but then I couldn't find them

anywhere and then the man down

at the Kroger said that

he ain't never heard of such

a thing as a once fried bean.

Oh, you know what I have some

good news for you today, ma'am.

Our refried beans

are only fried once.

Then why you call them refried?

Well, that actually is

a very common question.

Actually, refried beans are not

fried and then fried again.

It comes from a mistranslation

of the Spanish

"frijoles refritos. "

See in Spanish you put a "re"

in front of the word to make

an emphasis, so literally

frijoles refritos translates

to "well fried beans,"

but English speakers assume

the "re" means "again"

like in English,

so they mistranslate

it to refried beans.

But rest assured CPI's refried

beans are only fried once and

in fact, our nonfat refried

beans aren't fried at all.

Okay, uh, so do you sell just

once fried beans or not?

Yes ma'am, we make

once fried beans,

we just call them

refried beans.

Okay.

You see, that don't

make no damn sense.

Well, I just explained, ma'am,

it comes from the mistranslation

of the Spanish

for ref -

Okay, whatever!

B*tch!

Okay.

Uh, you are such a liar.

You have the greatest

job on Earth.

What are you

talking about?

You get paid to surf the

Internet for fascinating trivia.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

You're like

a human Googler.

If I have a question, I'm not

just gonna look up the answer on

my own, I'm gonna call you and

you're gonna look it up for me.

I'm reading off

of our product page.

Still, I didn't know that

about refried beans.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, I'm sure there

are several CPI products

that would be of

interest to you.

Let's do another one.

Uh, okay, hang on.

Going again.

Hi, welcome to CPI Consumer

Affairs, this is Erica.

Which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling

about today?

Well, I'm not sure

the name of it.

Okay, uh, was it

a food product?

Yes.

They had this cereal

on the cruise

that Marvin

really enjoyed.

Okay, so you need the name of

the cereal so you can buy it

for your husband, Marvin?

Marvin's not my husband.

My husband Leonard died 22 years

ago this May, God rest his soul.

Okay, who's Marvin?

None of your business, nosy.

My apologies, ma'am.

Okay, well CPI makes dozens

of delicious cereals.

What did it taste like?

I don't know.

I didn't have any.

Marvin couldn't

get enough of it.

I don't care for cereal.

Uh, well, well you're not giving

me a lot to go on here, ma'am.

Well, I think it

had raisins in it.

Uh, okay.

Uh, was it

Raisin Bran perhaps?

I think I'd recognize

Raisin Bran, young lady.

Do you think

I'm an idiot?

Uh, no ma'am, I'm just

trying to nail down

this mysterious

cereal here.

Oh and now you're

getting smart with me.

Uh, okay.

You know what, our website has

pictures and descriptions

of all of our cereals.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

If I wanted to use all that

World Wide Web stuff,

I wouldn't have to

call you now, would I?

Can you tell me the name

of the cereal or not?

Uh, ma'am, are you certain

it's a CPI product?

You know, Kellogg's and Post

also make cereals with raisins.

That's right, pass the buck,

pass the buck to someone else.

That's what's wrong

with this country today,

everyone's trying

to pass the buck.

Hello, the box

had C-P-I on it.

I think it had

raisins and nuts.

Hello ma'am, this is

Sven Jorgenson from

CPI Consumer Affairs,

I'm Erica's supervisor

and I've been monitoring

this call.

Uh, I got this Sven.

Ma'am, was the cereal

a Harvest Grain Medley?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

that's the name of it!

Yes.

I thought it might be.

How did you know, Sven?

Ma'am, I'm so sorry

Erica wasn't able

to answer your

question today.

And she's fresh too.

She's arrogant and she doesn't

know her product line.

Yes, Erica does have

a very smart mouth.

Hold on a second.

For that I apologize

as well.

As a token of our appreciation

and as a courtesy for our poor

customer service, we are going

to be sending you a brand new,

free CPI microwave oven.

Oh, really?

No, no.

No, we're not.

Yes we are, just

stay on the line

and we will get

your information.

Now if you hear a dial tone,

that doesn't mean you were

disconnected, it just means

that we are processing

your brand new

CPI microwave oven.

Oh, well, that's

more like it.

Thank you,

Mr. Jorgenson.

No, thank you

so much.

Now please hold.

Uh, that was mean.

Yeah, she deserved

it though.

Yeah maybe, but now she's

just gonna call back

and demand her oven.

Sorry.

I just got carried away.

Yeah, but you can't give

away microwave ovens.

What, you can't?

No, you can't.

Oh.

You know, they do monitor

some of these calls.

Oh my gosh and

she has my name.

I'm gonna get fired.

I thought you

hated your job?

Uh, yeah, but I hate being

homeless even more.

It was fun though?

Yeah, fine, fun, but I'm

sure it'd be fun to go on

a ride-along with you and go

through your passenger's wallets

while you're

reviving them.

Who told you we do that?

A- ha!

Look, I can't quit my job

because I have absolutely

no marketable skills

whatsoever.

Unless somebody's

looking for archers.

Yes, yes.

Someone with a moat and

unruly barbarian neighbors.

Yeah, have you considered

talking to head hunters

about a career

in long bow work?

Yes, actually.

Hey, have you ever answered

a call like pretending

to be a machine

or something?

Oh yeah,

all the time.

Yeah like, you'd go,

beep, you know,

press one for more options

or something like that.

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