Miss Dial Page #5

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So I'm pissed, right?

I am beyond pissed.

So I get in my car and

I run a red light, right.

So the cop is like ma'am, did

you see, uh, the red light,

you know and I was like, uh,

if I knew it was a red light,

I probably wouldn't have ran it

so I'm stupid now, I'm stupid.

Boom, I push him, whatever.

This leads to an illegal

search, in my opinion,

and he comes up with some

prescription pills and I do

have a prescription, ma'am,

for my anxiety but these,

these weren't those pills.

So I go to jail, right.

I go to jail.

He cuffs me, he stuffs me,

we go to jail and he's like

you're gonna need

a lawyer, a lawyer!

So anyway, so this

is where you come in.

I'm gonna need some

help with a lawyer.

Ma'am what does any of this have

to do with CPI or its products?

Have you been listening

to a word I have said?

It was your beef jerky that

gave Ricky the loose poo!

No, no, none of our products

contain chlorofluorocarbons.

CFCs were banned

in the U.S. in 1978.

No, I did not realize you could

use car wax for that purpose.

I'll be sure to pass

along your suggestion.

Okay.

No, no, you cannot get swine flu

from our pepperoni products.

Yes, I'm sure.

Yes.

CPI changes the design on

its boxes from time to time.

You like the picture

of the white lady

eating the cereal better?

I'll be sure to pass

on that comment.

Okay then.

Alright, we'll get that

coupon right out to you.

Okay, have a great day.

Hey.

Hey.

I was wondering how long you

could go without talking to me.

Yeah, yeah I know.

I just, uh, I was actually

heading to the gym

before you

called and, um -

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've totally been

wasting your time.

No, no that's just it.

I actually went to the gym

like I planned but I just,

um, I couldn't stop

thinking about you.

Really?

Yeah. How weird is that?

I mean, I don't even really

know you but I'm, you know,

I'm sitting there and I just

realize, I'm just picking up

things and putting them

down over and over again,

screw this, I'd rather be

home talking to Erica.

Yeah, I have that

effect on people.

Yeah, I guess you do.

Hey, uh, hang on a sec.

You there?

Yeah.

So, it's your dime, what

do you want to talk about now?

It's your dime?

How old are you?

Okay, touche.

No seriously, you know

all about my wonderful life

in consumer affairs so, uh,

what do you do for a living?

Please let it be something

worse than my job.

Ah, I'm sorry

to disappoint.

I'm an EMT.

Of course you are.

What's that

supposed to mean?

An EMT?

Well, it basically

means that you're hot,

you're in great shape and you

actually care about people.

Plus, you make more

money than a fireman so...

Ah, well see actually I'm part

of the unpaid internship program

for indifferent,

ugly people.

I stand corrected.

Yeah, it's new.

I'm not surprised you

haven't heard of it.

Okay, can I tell you

something really disgusting?

Okay.

I just ate an entire

batch of cookie dough mix.

Oh great.

Are you Bulimic?

No, I wish, I wish.

Actually I'm just fat.

That's funny, you don't

look fat in your picture.

What? Wait.

What picture?

The one on Facebook of you

and Samantha in the S&M gear.

It was Halloween!

Yeah, sure it was.

God.

Hey, you know what?

At least you

were the master.

Yeah, you know Sam

and I, you know,

we have a couple of drinks and

then we start to experiment...

Seriously?

No, you perv.

I don't know.

So what else did you

find out while you were

cyber stalking me?

Ah, I was just trying to

put a face to the voice.

Uh-huh.

Admit it.

You just wanted to

see if I was hot.

No.

Yeah, maybe.

And?

Yeah, you uh... yes,

mm-hmm, affirmative.

Okay, that's just not fair

because I have no idea

what you look like so.

Sure you do.

You know I'm extremely

hot, all EMTs are.

Come on!

I sent you

a friend request.

You did?

Hang on.

Kyle McAvoy.

Confirm.

Wait. Seriously?

You have your dog's picture

as your profile pic?

What's wrong with that?

A lot of people do that.

Yeah, if they're like

horribly disfigured

or part of the witness

protection program.

Yeah, or just

love your dog.

Oh well, that's what

Dogbook is for.

Dogbook?

What's Dogbook?

Oh wait, wait, wait.

Here is a real picture.

Oh...

Oh great.

Thank you.

That's just what

I want to hear.

What is the problem now?

Do you sleep with a

lot of women, Kyle?

Excuse me?

You are, uh, you're too good

looking to be monogamous.

I can't believe

you just said that.

Uh, oh damn.

I've gotta answer

some of these calls.

Just blow them off.

Okay, maybe for

a little while.

Well hang on, hang on.

Let me just check in

with my boss, okay?

Okay, I'll hold.

Okay, hold on.

Hi, Mr. Koffsky.

Hi, yeah it's, it's doing it

again, um, the network's down.

I can't see any calls.

Damn it, alright.

Let me see what

I can do on my end.

Listen, if I can't get this

figured out I'm gonna have

to send an IT guy over to

check out your computer.

Yeah, yeah, I mean,

because you know,

it keeps going in

and out and in and out

and oh look, look,

I can see them now,

I can see the calls.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

they're there.

Okay, alright, good.

Well, take the calls and

I'll see what I can do

about them checking

the server.

Oh, oh, okay.

Thanks.

Okay, where were we?

You were just telling

me how hot I am.

Right, and modest.

So modest.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, okay so what

do you want?

Right now?

I could use

some ice cream.

I thought you just ate

all that cookie dough.

Yeah and?

No, I mean,

uh, in life.

Oh...

Oh, we're going there.

Yes, yes, we've entered

the deep thoughts part

of the conversation.

Ah, um, I don't know,

what do you want?

That we're not

talking about me.

You keep deflecting.

Eh, I don't know.

I mean, what

does anyone want?

Love, happiness.

I thought you

had a boyfriend.

Yeah, I do,

forgot, sorry.

Um, God, I don't,

I mean, you know,

I know I want

a family someday.

Ah, see, now we're

getting somewhere.

Okay, um,

how many kids?

Maybe three.

Three, that's

a good number.

You know, they say that

you want as many kids

as you grew up with.

Hmm, that's funny because

I have an older sister

and a younger brother.

Oh, well see.

Yeah, okay.

And, let's see, what else.

I majored in

poli-sci in college.

Ah, where'd you go?

Cal State Fullerton.

SUNY Binghamton.

Ah.

Yeah, so you know I never really

wanted to work in Washington,

I mean, I wasn't that

interested in politics.

What are you

interested in?

Uh, nothing.

See, I'm not buying that, I know

from your Facebook page that

you're part of the unnecessary

quotation mark hunters group.

Yes!

I hate that sh*t.

Like when you go up to the

register and there's a sign

that says no checks please

in quotation marks.

Like, uh, "No checks please,"

said John the owner.

Yeah.

Or it's facetious.

Right.

So actually maybe, you know,

they do take checks.

Right, right.

Okay, so, um, you don't love

your job but you can't quit

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