Mixed Nuts Page #5

if you hang up on me?

What? Who's this?

Is this Catherine?

No, this isn't Catherine.

Merry Christmas to you too.

Oh, you're new!

Who are you? My name is Gracie.

Gracie, I want to write

your name in cheese.

I want to bark like a dog!

You are a disgusting, sleazy,

perverted pig! Excuse me!

Um, I'm sorry. May I help you?

The person you were just

speaking with has not taken

the Lifesavers training program.

Shut up, Grandma!

Oh.

I'm not busting your cherry!

Oh, I'm... simply crushed.

Here I've waited

my whole life for you

and now you don't even want me.

Do go on.

I believe you were

discussing my cherry.

I am so good at this, and soon

I will be left high and dry

with no outlet for my talent.

I have to pee.

Have you ever been pregnant?

No, I have not.

Listen, young lady,

when you come out,

do not answer the phone

under any circumstances.

Do not answer the door

under any circumstances

because it could be the Seaside

Strangler, and you know what he'll do.

He'll take fishing twine and wrap it around

your neck and your face will turn blue.

Then your eyes will bulge out,

and then he'll knock you down

and hike up your skirt

and bang you!

Very funny! Very

funny, young lady!

No one comes here.

This is an unlisted address.

Hello? Hello, who is there?

It's the Seaside Strangler.

Whoever you are, you are

not supposed to be here.

Oh, who is it? Answer me!

Do you have something to hide?

Did you do that?

Did you turn out the lights or

is it just this stupid building?

Are you the Seaside Strangler?

Listen, Mr. Seaside Strangler, I am calling

the police, I am getting the reward

and you will go

to a maximum security prison,

where a very large, hairy man

is going to make you

his girlfriend.

I am not your type. I am short.

And my hair is short.

I am attractive.

I suppose I fit that part

of the description.

But I am not young!

I have never been young!

Although I do look...

Would you knock it off?

What would the Seaside

Strangler want with you?

Just... Shh! No!

You're having a fantasy. Oh, no, no!

Don't! Don't!

What a sad and horrible

Christmas Eve.

I had to take the bus.

I stubbed my toe

on the boardwalk.

May I come in? Sure.

Is she all right? She's fine.

Oh, what beautiful beads.

Thanks.

Could you do me a favor?

I'm gonna leave.

Could you put her

somewhere out of the way?

I'd be happy to.

Santa, baby

Just slip a sable

under the tree

For me

Been an awful good girl

Santa, baby

So hurry down

the chimney tonight

Santa, baby, I forgot

to mention one little thing

A ring

I don't mean on the phone

Santa, baby

So hurry down

the chimney tonight.

Hello. Lifesavers.

May I help you?

May I speak to a woman?

May I please wish a woman

Merry Christmas?

You are speaking to a woman.

Santa, cutie

and fill my stocking

With a duplex and checks

Sign your "x" on the line

Santa, cutie

So hurry down

the chimney tonight.

- Mrs. Munchnik?

- No.

Hurry

Who are you?

I called earlier.

You gave me the address.

I remember.

I came right over.

Have you seen a woman

in a bad mood?

She's resting behind the couch.

You were very good

on the phone.

On the phone. I was

good on the phone.

Won't you sit down?

My voice puts you off,

doesn't it?

Not at all. It doesn't suit me.

In that sense, I am

exactly like Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger?

Haven't you noticed?

He has this odd, little, nasal

voice and a pompous, fat body.

Must upset

the Russians terribly.

I met him once.

How fascinating.

Not that he would remember me.

No one does.

I'm sure that's not true.

Thank you. You're very kind.

Excuse me, I'm just going to...

Light these candles

in case the, uh...

It was at one of those clubs. You know

those dance clubs. You know the kind.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

You never know where you are

because when you look...

it's gone.

Who was I with?

I have no idea.

When you're confused,

your past is a blur.

He wasn't dancing.

Who?

Henry Kissinger. Ah.

I'm boring you, aren't I?

Not in the least.

I bore everyone.

I'm sure that's not true.

I personally find you very

entertaining and informative.

For example, I had no idea Henry

Kissinger went to dance clubs.

Perhaps you could come back some

other time, say, after the New Year,

and we could continue our chat.

I wasn't dancing either.

I have two left feet,

I believe is the expression.

Ah. Well, let me offer you one last piece

of advice before you have to leave.

Did you bring a coat or anything?

Just my cape.

Ah.

Have you ever heard of the Greater

Orange County Mambo Contest of 1968?

Well, I was scared

to enter it, and yet I did.

And I won first prize,

dancing with my sister.

From that moment on, I have

never worried for one second

about anyone's opinion,

and neither should you.

You mean...

You wouldn't hesitate

to dance, even with me?

Absolutely not.

Do you have music?

- Come on, Catherine.

- Let's go to my place.

Now? I have something for you.

There were 14 kids

in our family,

so for Christmas we each

got one pair of socks.

Really?

Plus, we never saw our mother. Divide

14 into 24 and what do you get?

Two. We each saw our

mother two minutes a day.

You mean two hours a day.

No, I mean two minutes.

My mother's always there.

Always.

Sometimes I wish she were dead.

Oh, I shouldn't say that.

I hope you don't think I'm

a terrible person. No.

Suppose she dies now

and it's all my fault?

Close your eyes.

Open them.

Is that me?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Gracie.

You're so talented.

I have spent my whole life trying

to make something out of nothing.

Don't take that

personally, Catherine.

But just once I'd like to

have something to begin with.

Christmas is such a

powerful time, isn't it?

Gracie, let's make a wish.

Hold my hand and we'll

make a Christmas wish.

Really. I mean it.

I'll go first so you

won't be embarrassed.

Okay.

It's hard to do this because

if you say your wish out loud,

and it doesn't come true,

it's so much worse.

But here we go.

I wish

there were someone I cared

for who cared for me.

There, I said it. Your turn.

I wish for my baby

to have a better life.

Love. Money.

I should probably

get back to the office.

Wait a second.

Let's get some Chinese

food on the way, okay?

Okay.

My, my, my, my

Maybe it's much

too early in the game

Oh, but I thought

I'd ask you just the same

What are you doing New Year's

I don't think...

New Year's Eve

Oh

I wonder whose arms

Will hold you good and tight

When it's exactly

12:
00 at night

Welcoming in the New Year

New Year's Eve.

Is it making you nervous

to dance with me?

I'm not nervous at all.

Maybe I'm crazy

To suppose

I'd ever be

The one you chose

Out of a thousand

Invitations.

Dancing with you

makes me feel all fluffy,

like I was dancing on a cloud.

In my work, I deal with

all kinds of people.

None of them are what you might call

conventional, and neither am I.

What are you doing New Year's

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