Mixed Nuts Page #6

New Year's Eve

You're a marvelous dancer.

Thank you.

Philip?

This is shocking. Completely shocking.

I am suing you.

Do you hear? For what?

Withholding information,

psychic stress, stupidity.

And obviously

improper office behavior.

Mrs. Munchnik...

I am calling

the Los Angeles Times.

I am calling

the Los Angeles Times!

They'll do a hatchet job.

They're going to do

a puff piece on us!

I may be temporarily

jobless, thanks to you.

But you will be jobless forever.

I will see to that!

I was only trying to be kind. I

thought I could figure out a way.

We only need $5,000

to tide us over.

That is practically your annual salary.

You are a failure.

I will see to it that

you stay that way!

Mrs. Munchnik, please!

I suppose Catherine

knew about this.

I suppose she was in cahoots.

That Catherine. She is the most

devious woman I have ever met.

Catherine is the kindest, most gentle

creature on the face of the Earth.

Catherine wants to rip

your clothes off, Philip.

She does?

Under that mousy exterior

lies smoldering lust.

Really?

Catherine isn't speaking

to me right now.

I'm not at all surprised.

Before she wasn't speaking to me, she

said she would pray for a miracle.

That is pathetic.

Do not walk me to my car.

Stay right there.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

And say hello to your dead

sister's husband for me.

My dead husband's sister,

if you don't mind.

New Year's Eve

Are you crazy? Are you insane?

This is all I do all day

is deal with nuts like you!

Oh, my God! Catherine was right.

In person, I'm a disaster!

I am so sorry.

I really didn't mean it.

Please.

No apology is necessary.

I understand completely.

Goodbye.

When is the

Automobile Club coming?

In a half hour.

Oh. I used to be

in the Automobile Club,

but they found out I didn't have

a car, so they kicked me out.

They're a little

uptight over there.

Catherine.

Catherine, my goodness, what

have you done to yourself?

You've lost your identity.

I have not.

I'm hungry. I'm gonna die.

Are you about to eat?

Allow me to

contribute a fruitcake.

Be sure you serve it to that

male colleague you so admire

who is upstairs at this very

moment dancing with a strumpet

while Lifesavers

goes up in smoke.

Catherine,

our food's getting cold.

Is it Susan? Is Susan with him?

Hardly.

Catherine, you look cool.

Thank you, Louie.

Catherine, I was wondering if I could

come up and sing my song for you now?

I'd like nothing more.

Catherine, is that... You?

Oh, I'm gonna

do you too, Philip,

because you and Catherine

do not go together anymore.

Philip and I

have never gone together.

Well, you weren't together,

but you definitely matched.

Now, come on, Philip, get up.

What about me?

I want to match too.

Listen, I'll get to you

in a second, okay?

What's he doing here?

Hello

I invited him. Don't you

have someone here yourself?

I most certainly do not!

Someone left her cape.

Someone left his cape.

Really, Philip.

Where is Felix?

He's at the hospital.

Oh, right.

Felix is in the hospital

Dr. Blair. Dr. Blair.

Dr. Jay Hamilton.

Dr. Jay Hamilton.

60 by pal. Ten dopamine drip.

Okay, as soon as we

get into the unit.

Okay. I'll get a 12-lead.

Let's go!

Does he have any family?

To Catherine.

I wonder whether your name.

Starts with a "C" or a "K"

I wonder whether you prefer.

Almond Joy to Milky Way.

I wonder whether you sleep.

To the left or to the right.

I wonder

who you think would win.

If me and Philip

got into a fight.

Oh, so many things

for me to wonder.

So very pretty.

I wonder when Elliott

said good-bye to E.T.

Did you breakdown and cry.

I wonder if I gave you

pudding, eggs and flour.

Could you make

a Boston Cream Pie.

I wonder if your eyes close.

When you come in for a kiss.

I wonder if we had a baby.

Would you object

to having a bris

Oh, so many things

for me to wonder.

Oh, I love grape jelly

That's it?

It's a work in progress.

It may never be finished.

Oh, Louie.

That was so sweet

of you, Louie.

If it's not too much to ask, would

you mind passing the chow mein?

No one ever wrote a song

for me before.

I can't believe it.

Who ate all

the water chestnuts?

I wrote it longhand.

Where are the water chestnuts?

It took me eight months.

I had to quit my job.

Presents that you make yourself are

always the most special. Don't you think?

Where did this fruitcake

come from?

That weird lady gave it to us.

What ingratitude!

I give her a gift from

the bottom of my heart

and she abandons it

as if it meant nothing!

Oh! Oh!

Oh.

Look, there's the dog hater.

Mrs. Munchnik? What?

Mrs. Munchnik,

what can I do you for?

What is it? Tell me.

What can I do you for?

That's just what my dead

husband always used to say.

What?

"What can I do you for?"

Well, um...

I'll, uh...

I'll tell you what you

can "do me for," Mr. Lobel.

OF JINGLE BELLS PLAYING)

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way.

On the beach! On the beach!

Jingle all the way

We want to wish you

A Merry Christmas

We want to wish you

A Merry Christmas

We want to wish you

A Merry Christmas

We want to wish you

A Merry Christmas

I don't care

what she did to you.

It's dangerous to throw

things out of windows.

I completely agree.

Do you work here? I mean, excuse me,

but we are discussing office behavior.

Since you don't work here and we

do, at least for six more days,

you cannot participate.

Somebody's not in the

holiday mood, I guess.

Hello, Lifesavers.

I'm listening.

Is this Kentucky Fried Chicken?

The crazy person is back.

What do you want?

Do you have any breasts?

I forgot my cape.

That's who you were

dancing with?

She insults me too.

My God, if you don't have tits like

Dolly Parton, no one wants you.

Thanks for the memories!

Merry Christmas to all. Hello?

And to all a good night.

Oh, my God! Felix, what now?

Gracie, come back to me,

honey, please.

I can't live without you.

I love you.

You know what? We're in the

middle of dinner right now, okay?

- Put that toy down instantly!

- Toy?

You think this is a toy, huh?

Felix! What are you doing?

This is not funny!

You'll make him nervous.

All right, who wants

to be first, huh?

Who wants to be the hero?

Felix isn't such a bad guy.

He just gets upset.

Oh, right! Because you're

insane, that's why!

Wait till I get home with you!

Think about the baby!

I love you!

He loves you. He's just

having trouble expressing it.

Where you going?

Catherine, you're supposed

to be protecting me here!

Don't run away from me.

This person will

protect me, won't you?

So you're going to shoot

a pregnant woman?

No. I'm gonna shoot you.

Mr. Santa, listen to me.

I'm sure this young woman has plenty of

reason to hate you. In fact we all do.

But that's no reason to

shoot someone now, is it?

So, please...

Put the little pistol down.

No.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Stop! Stop! Stop!

He shot my foot!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes