Mixed Nuts Page #7

Felix, you are a maniac!

Everybody blames me

for everything.

I can't look. Am I bleeding?

Oh, my God, I'm going

to bleed to death.

Someone call my mother!

Don't touch me. I forbid you to touch me!

Just call a doctor.

Stop pointing that

gun at me! Stop!

Felix, we have to stop

playing with guns now.

Don't just take it.

You have to empty it.

Gracie, for God sakes, what are you doing?

Give me that!

I am emptying it!

Let go of it! I can't

believe you would do that!

I am sick of him!

He is a nut case!

Forget about it.

I am protecting us from him!

Yes?

It's Stanley. Who's Stanley?

Stanley Tannenbaum,

the landlord.

I called him to fix the elevator.

I completely forgot.

Oh, the elevator's fixed.

What's going on?

Is everyone dead?

Not everyone.

Hey, what's going on up there?

Just a teeny, tiny accident.

Just a weeny, wooney one.

Well, keep it down.

This isn't the fourth of July.

I know. I'm sorry.

Uh, it won't happen again.

We have to call the police.

Uh, dial 911.

That's their number.

They can't do anything.

He's dead!

Philip, I didn't mean to do it.

You're not going

to turn me in, are you?

You have reached

the Los Angeles Police.

Please hold on. Your call

is very important to us.

Oh, Philip,

is this the miracle?

The eviction will probably go through regardless.

This is not the miracle.

What about me?

Doesn't anyone care about me?

I'll take care of her.

I'm coming.

Catherine, are you okay?

I can't breathe. I'm

having trouble breathing.

I'm so cold.

Catherine? Catherine.

Catherine. Come on, come on.

I am so cold!

It's all right. Calm down. Here,

here, put your arms around me.

Come on. Hold on tight.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Just calm down. Up, easy.

Over the dead body.

Come on. That's good. Yeah, I've got you.

I've got you. Just relax.

I've got you. Come on.

Come on. I've got you.

I've got you.

Oh, my God!

Boy, that's just a little scratch.

It's nothing at all.

Oh, my God!

My foot is completely numb!

I can tell it's going to

be very painful soon!

Hmm. All right, I'll

get you some aspirin.

Thank you.

Or better yet, I'll get you

some Tylenol with the codeine.

Uh-uh, no. No, no, no, no.

Nuprin. That's the good stuff.

I got it. Ludens Cough Drops.

That'll be for me though.

I got a scratchy throat.

Just lean here, all right?

No, just lock your knees.

Now I'm gonna run you

a bath, all right?

Only this time, I'm gonna put in some

water and it'll make you feel better.

Okay.

Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

I'm going to get gangrene.

Would someone

please bring me a bandage?

I'm not asking for the moon.

I'm just asking for a bandage.

All right. Now, just sit here, okay?

Okay? Are you all right? Okay.

Hello? Where are you?

No, no, please, I'll...

I'll just get it myself.

Your bandage.

Philip!

Oh, my God! You broke my nose!

Philip! What is it?

If you call the police, my baby's

going to be born in a jail!

Your baby won't

be born in jail.

My nose is my best feature!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Do you promise it won't

be born in a jail?

I promise!

My face is ruined!

Philip?

Here's your bandage!

- Hey, how's it going?

- Philip, help me!

Do you want Gracie

to help you get undressed?

Do you want me to help

you get undressed?

Something's happening.

My heart is racing and I'm

feeling all nervous and sick.

That's the way I've felt

since the day I met you.

Your sweater was

buttoned funny that day.

One side stuck up higher than the

other and poked up into your chin.

You remember that?

I'll never forget it.

What does it look like? No, don't tell me.

I don't want to know.

It's just a little

larger than usual.

Don't worry. The

swelling will go down.

It must be nice to have your

best feature be so prominent.

My best feature's my hands.

That's why I play ukulele. It gets

your hands right out there, you know?

Are you a professional

ukulele player?

Oh, no. I'm a writer.

What do you write? T-shirts.

Really?

I wrote, "Save the dolphins."

Excuse me. What do you

mean you wrote it?

I wasn't the first person to say it. I was

the first person to put it on a t-shirt.

Oh.

Did you do, "Life is a beach"?

Oh, I wish!

I met the guy who wrote that at a party.

He kind of snubbed me, you know?

We haven't been properly introduced.

My name's Louie.

Chris.

Chris.

Oh, Chris.

I wonder whether your name

starts with a "C" or a "K"

I wonder if you have a skinny

Uncle Harry or a fat Aunt Fay.

I wonder if you know how good

you look in those pantyhose.

I wonder if you're happy

that I didn't mention anything.

About the things

coming out of your nose.

Oh, so many things

for me to wonder.

I wonder if you...

We could cut him up into pieces and

wrap him up as Christmas presents.

Who would we give them to?

Check the peephole!

There is no peephole.

Oh, how convenient.

Philip, it's Susan.

What is it?

I need to see Philip. I think

I've made a terrible mistake.

He's taking a bath with Catherine.

Would you like to wait?

No.

Good, 'cause there's enough

going on here as it is.

If only we could disguise

him as something.

O, Christmas tree

O, Christmas tree

How lovely are thy branches

Catherine was, uh, very distressed, so

naturally, I had to comfort her. Ah.

Where's Stanley?

Where is he?

What did you do with it?

He's in the tree.

In the tree?

He is the tree.

I wrapped him up

in those potato sacks.

Oh, my God.

They're burlap, which is really

itchy unless you're dead.

Me and Felix took branches off the

old tree and we just stuck 'em on.

- How?

- Superglue.

It's the most amazing invention, Catherine.

Pull on one of those branches.

I'm telling you, you could

chin yourself on this tree.

Fortunately, the guy

had a good posture.

I admire a man

with good posture.

Felix has lovely posture.

Thank you, honey.

It's just as well

we're going out of business!

I am totally incompetent!

I'm like Job!

Philip, really!

Well, then, all right,

I'm not like Job!

But look at me,

pretending to save lives.

There's nothing

in the refrigerator!

I couldn't save a life

if my life depended on it!

We have been here for six years, and

what do we have to show for it?

A dead body.

A dead body disguised

as a Christmas tree.

Thank you. Thank you

for reminding me.

I got a plan.

Felix always has a plan.

I am so proud of you, honey.

We take it downstairs. We

leave it on the boardwalk.

That's it? Yeah.

That is not

really a plan, Felix.

What's wrong with it?

A plan is supposed

to have more than one part.

It's supposed to go like,

"First, we do this, and then we

do this, and then we do this."

I don't appreciate you

talking to Felix this way.

We're just trying to help

you out here, Philip.

Yeah. You want a plan?

First we take it downstairs.

Then we leave it on the boardwalk.

Then we go home.

We just leave it standing

like the city put it there.

In a couple of days,

nobody will notice.

And when the city

takes it down?

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