Money From Home Page #8

Phyllis?

Oh, you shut up, too.

I'm leveling with you, Phyllis.

You can win that race.

Sure, because I'm not

gonna ride the horse.

I got a confession

to make, too.

I'm not Bertie Searles. He is.

How do you do?

And he's gonna ride to win.

Not me, old boy.

I am not riding

any bucking bronco.

I'm a gentleman rider, and I

only ride gentleman horses.

Is that quite clear?

Oh, never mind him.

He'll ride, honey.

He's got to.

Because I'm in love

with you, Phyllis.

Phyllis!

If you love the lady so much, Nelson,

why don't you ride her horse?

I'll take care of you later.

He can hurt you.

But I'm betting on you.

I hear you, Honey Talk,

and I don't enjoy

the conversation.

And unless you are honey

talkin' this doll,

which somewhat I doubt,

you are headin' yourself

for a massive funeral.

Thanks, and kindly

omit the flowers.

Doesn't look too good. No.

I think it proper maybe what I

should call Mr. Jumbo Schneider.

Come with me.

Phyllis! Let me in, Phyllis!

Locked out?

No, she's locked in.

Well, there's a light on around the house.

That might be her room.

Maybe you can get her

to come out.

Oh, fat chance.

Why don't you do what Rudolph

Valentino did in that movie?

What movie?

That one where

he was half nuts.

I don't know what the

other half was, though.

Anyhow, he's walking on

the street one day, see?

And it's raining, and he

comes across this puddle,

and there stands a girl.

Well, I think it was a girl.

Well, if it wasn't a girl it was

the prettiest boy you ever saw.

All right, get to the point.

Yeah, I'm getting to the point.

So, you see,

he sees this pretty girl

and she's trying to go

across the puddle. See?

So Rudy takes off his jacket

and he lays it down

and he says,

"You first, my dear."

What'd he say?

"You're first, my dear."

Besides being polite, he wanted

to see how deep the puddle was.

Oh.

What's that got to do with...

Well, I'm getting to the point.

Wait a second. See, he falls madly in

love with this poor, drowned girl.

Only her father

locks her up in her room

so that he can't see her, see?

So you know what he does?

He stands underneath the

window and he sings to her.

Well, did it work?

Well, I went to get popcorn.

I don't know what happened.

Oh, Virge!

He sang to her? Yeah.

It might work if she saw you.

She's pretty mad at me.

Me? Sing to her? Yes.

Why, with my voice, if I ever

sang The Star Spangled Banner,

they'd arrest me

for being an enemy agent. No.

No, you don't have to sing.

I'll go around the corner.

All you do is move your lips.

And you'll sing. Right.

And she'll think it's me.

No! Just move your lips.

I'll sing.

Oh. Okay,

what're we gonna sing?

What they're playin'

is good enough.

All right.

Okay? Yeah.

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know

if it's cloudy or bright

'Cause I only have eyes

For you, dear

The moon may be high

But I can't see

a thing in the sky

'Cause I only have eyes

For you

I don't know

if we're in a garden

Or on a crowded avenue

You are here

So am I

Maybe millions

of people go by

But they all disappear

From view

And I only have eyes

For

Now, lie down.

Now, we're ready

to begin our exercises.

First, bring your right leg

over your left leg.

Your right leg

over your left leg.

There, isn't that comfy?

Yeah.

Now, wrap your left foot

around your right foot.

Good. Now that is

comfortable, isn't it?

No.

Now, quickly bring both

knees up to your chin.

Oops! I'm terribly sorry.

And now, this next exercise

is very good for the hair.

Put both hands

behind your head.

Now place your head

through the left hole.

Through the left hole.

Now this should

be very comfortable.

No, it ain't.

Now, this is very important.

Roll over on your

left side and inhale.

Inhale. Hold it. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale.

And now, our next exercise is

wonderful for inducing sleep.

And this exercise...

Oh, I beg your pardon. Exhale.

Oh, yes.

Now to continue...

Stop what you're doing and run!

Don't walk. Run, run, run!

Don't look. Don't listen.

The chance of a lifetime.

Run quickly, immediately.

Move. Don't look back.

Run, right away.

Run, run to

the nearest drugstore

for your package of Restunat.

Remember, Restunat

is nature spelled sideways.

Mattie, bring it over here.

What?

Oh, what... Shh.

You are here

So am I

Maybe millions

of people go by

But they all disappear

From view

Honey Talk, I didn't see

you any place I was!

And where were you?

Well, the man told me

to run and run, and I...

Oh, you're wet! Yeah, I'm wet!

Well, I didn't do it!

If you catch a cold,

I'll sneeze for you.

That's the least I can do.

If she'd only give me a

chance to talk to her.

Come, horsie fill

the flowing bowl

I beg your pardon, old boy.

Until it doth run over

For tonight,

we'll merry, merry be

For

Have another slosh, old girl.

Come on, that's right.

Come have a nice drink.

They're drinking!

They're drunk!

That's worse!

Oh, hello, fellows.

Come on in and sit down.

This is what I was telling you

about, the psychological approach.

Now, watch this.

You should be ashamed of

yourself, Bertie Searles!

Contributing to the

delinquency of a mare.

Don't you know that alcohol

and alfalfa don't mix?

But she's my friend now.

She's an ally.

A very, very sympathetic soul.

Now we are in trouble.

A crocked jock

and a bagged nag!

Yeah, and they're both loaded.

Hello, I should like

to place a call

to Mr. Jumbo Schneider

in New York.

It's Seldom Kid,

and it's long distance, too.

Somebody better waken the boss.

Better try the other.

What's the action?

It's the Seldom Seen Kid.

Smells like a stink!

This better be important.

You have wakened Jumbo up.

Yeah? Now, give a listen.

This Honey Talk is off his

crock over the Leigh dame

and I feel a double-cross

is building up.

Well, Jumbo is coming

down there personally

to handle the details.

Goodbye!

Short Boy,

you and Big Midget and

Russian Henry go with Jumbo.

Pee Wee,

pack a bag with a few rods.

Grogan the Growler

phones for an airplane.

Parrot Puss housekeeps

while we're gone.

We leave for Maryland.

Jumbo has got

a few races to win

and a few heads to crack.

Come on, let's go!

I know Bromo

is good for people,

but you think it can cure

a horse's hangover?

I don't know. I never treated

a horse that was drunk.

Well, I guess you'd say this

horse had too many snorts.

Hurry up, Virgil.

Shame on you.

Now get up and drink this,

you drunkard! Come on.

Come on. Now, drink that.

Come on, it'll do you good.

Drink it.

I wonder if they take horses

in Alcoholics Anonymous.

They should, shouldn't they?

Well, that vitamin shot and

alkalizer should do the job.

If we just keep swabbing

her down with cold towels,

she ought to be

ready for the race.

Only I don't know

if Bertie will.

Hey! Do you think she might...

No, she couldn't.

Maybe she would... Huh?

What?

What are you talking about?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes