Monkeybone Page #7

Onscreen, NUDE GEORGE is sweating bullets. He has no idea what to say,

and the audience is beginning to laugh at him. In a desperate, feeble

attempt to buy time...he begins to SING.

GEORGE:

I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair!

In fact he goes into a little softshoe, keeping the briefcase poised

over his crotch. Unfortunately, THE CASE POPS OPEN, dumping frilly

LINGERIE all over the stage. The weeping GEORGE must crawl around on all

fours to retrieve it...

By now the onlookers at the bar are CRACKING UP. All except one - the

lonely, disconsolate fellow on the last stool, nursing a martini - STU.

BULL:

Hey, Stu, why so glum? Everybody loves a good

humiliation nightmare.

STU:

Three months, Bull. Three months tonight. Three

months since the accident - and I'm no closer to

going home than I was then.

BULL:

Aw, buck up. Have another 'tini.

STU:

I'm sick of martinis. I'm sick of the waiting,

and the carnival rides, and watching people's

nightmares. And of course, I need not add -

He GRIMACES at MONKEYBONE, who's stretched out atop the mighty Wurlitzer

at the other end of the room. The MERMAID CHANTEUSE is singing a

Dietrich number, "The Laziest Gal in Town" - or at least trying to,

because MONKEYBONE is caterwauling behind her. By the time she gets to

the grand finale, he's practically BAYING AT THE MOON.

Pissed off, she SHAKES her FIST at MONKEYBONE and pulls the lid of her

clamshell SHUT. This suits MONKEYBONE just fine, as it leaves him alone

in the spotlight to soak up what little applause there is.

MONKEYBONE:

Thank you, thank you for that very modest

response. I know you're all in comas, but still.

And now...it's dedication time!

He gestures to JUMBO, the elephant organist, who begins to vamp.

MONKEYBONE:

We've got a special dedication tonight. This

one's from my ever-lovin' boss, Mr. Stu Mopey -

I mean Miley - and we're sendin' it up to

a very special lady in the land of the living.

Yes, I do mean Julie - the beautiful Miss Julie

- who, if she has a brain in her head, is

shacked up right now with some good-lookin' doc

she met in the E.R.!

(pointing at STU)

JUST KIDDING, BUDDY! Because if we know anything

about Miss Julie, we know she is faithful,

loyal, and true. Even if her boyfriend is an

eggplant. Which is why we're dedicating...this

very special tune...to her. Jumbo?

JUMBO's tasteful vamping gives way to a RAUNCHY ROCK BEAT - and

MONKEYBONE begins STRUTTING across the top of the piano, bumping and

grinding and shaking his booty to the tune of -

MONKEYBONE:

MAH baby does the Hanky-Panky! UNHH!

MAH baby does the Hanky-Panky! UNHH!

MONKEYBONE sings the same poignant line over and over until STU comes

storming over from the bar and YANKS HIM off the Wurlitzer by the scruff

of his scrawny NECK.

A trouper to the end, MONKEYBONE WAVES at the crowd even as STU drags

him off to an empty table in the farthest corner of the room.

STU:

You have humiliated me in public for the last

time.

MONKEYBONE:

I doubt that. Besides, I can't help myself. I'm

just a figment of your imagination.

STU:

Then you can learn to act normally. I had to!

MONKEYBONE:

Aw, come on. You know you love me. You're a

masochistic pain freak. You gotta love me.

STU:

I am not. And I don't gotta.

MONKEYBONE waves and winks at every female who passes by. STU whacks him

upside the head.

MONKEYBONE:

You are too! Mooning over Julie when we could

both be gettin' some o' this fine local action.

It's not like she's gonna know. Out of town,

under five minutes, and in a coma don't count.

STU:

Sorry. The women here aren't my type. Most of

them aren't even my species.

Cocktail waitress KITTY, a seven-foot cat-faced feline sex bomb, arrives

in her skimpy black dress and shows STU a Cheshire-cat grin. MONKEYBONE

reclines, Odalisque-style, on the table.

MONKEYBONE:

Hellooooooooo, Kitty.

KITTY:

Hiya, Stu. Refill on that martini?

MONKEYBONE:

I'd like something with an umbrella in it and a

really smutty name. Like a...Sex Behind the Sofa

with Your Parents in the Same Room Watching "The

Brady Bunch."

STU:

Nothing for him! He's being repressed.

KITTY:

Is something wrong, Stu? You seem so tense.

MONKEYBONE:

Aaah, it's the same as always...poor mope's just

wishin' he was me.

STU:

I've been trying to get through to the head guy

- the nightmare god - what's his name?

KITTY:

Hypnos?

STU:

Yeah. To see if he could expedite my case. But I

wait, and I wait, and...I'm starting to think

I'll never see her again.

A softie at heart, KITTY sits across from STU and takes his hand.

STU:

I shoulda proposed, Kitty. That way at least

she'd know how I feel. That way she'd...wait for

me.

She leans forward sympathetically. From this particular vantage,

MONKEYBONE has an unobstructed view of KITTY's cleavage. And so does STU

- although he's not quite as obvious about staring.

KITTY:

She is waiting for you, Stu. I know she is. Guys

like you don't come along that often. Believe

me, I know.

MONKEYBONE slinks over behind STU - up onto his shoulder - and whispers

into his ear:

MONKEYBONE:

My Fellow Americans. I have a dream. Let us

boldly go where no man has gone before.

STU:

(trying to ignore him)

I'm sorry, Kitty - what were you saying?

KITTY:

I mean it, Stu. You're one in a million.

KITTY is holding the cleavage pose for an unnaturally long time. Her

furry tail begins to swing back and forth playfully in the air. It's

hypnotic - like a windshield wiper.

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