Monkeybone Page #8

STU stares at it. MONKEYBONE stares at it. And MONKEYBONE'S TAIL

responds by straightening...stiffening...bending upward slightly.

STU:

I'm not so special. I'm just - kind of -

STU is suddenly aware of something LONG, RED, and WET unrolling onto his

shoulder. It's a TONGUE...dangling out of MONKEYBONE'S OPEN MOUTH. STU

lets out a YOWL OF SHOCK.

Blushing bright red, he GRABS THE TONGUE and shoves it manually back

into the monkey mouth whence it came.

MONKEYBONE:

Come on, pal! It was a compliment! You'da done

the same if you had the equipment!

STU:

THAT DOES IT! BACK IN THE PACK!

MONKEYBONE:

FORGET IT! NO WAY! I'M NOT GETTING -

STU LUNGES at MONKEYBONE - who JUMPS OVER HIM, BOUNDS off the edge of

the table, and grabs hold of a CHANDELIER.

MONKEYBONE:

I'm reportin' this to my union!!

STU:

What union?

MONKEYBONE:

The sidekicks' union! Me, Tonto, and Robin the

Boy Wonder. You top bananas better watch your

ass!

STU grabs a CHAIR and swings it at the chandelier. MONKEYBONE makes a

series of SUBMARINE NOISES -

MONKEYBONE:

DIVE! DIVE!!

- and DIVES - directly between KITTY's breasts into her skimpy black

dress!! STU circles around KITTY, following the undulating monkey-sized

BLOB that's tunnelling around under her dress. Finally MONKEYBONE pops

out of the BACK of the dress and NUZZLES KITTY'S EAR:

MONKEYBONE:

I left my phone number in your undies. Try not

to lose it in traffic.

STU:

Sorry, Kitty! I'll be right back after I choke

my monkey.

MONKEYBONE runs under the pool table. STU is giving chase when -

suddenly - a DOOR blows open in the chill night wind.

EVERYONE IN THE BAR freezes in place.

For there, in the doorway, is a looming, ominous figure - the most

dreaded figure in all of Dark Town -

- a GRIM REAPER, nine feet tall and swinging a scythe, come to take some

hapless coma victim to the land of Death!

EERIE WINDS WHISTLE and the shroud FLUTTERS in the night breeze as the

REAPER looks from face to face. For a moment he focuses on STU. STU

backs away involuntarily, with a mounting sense of dread...and

MONKEYBONE jumps into his arms, clinging to him fearfully.

But the REAPER moves on - past each COMA VICTIM in turn - finally

STOPPING in front of a TINY, WIZENED, PRUNELIKE OLD GENT in a

wheelchair, who looks to be 110 years old at least.

MONKEYBONE:

Him. Whew. About time!

REAPER:

EARL BIEGLER. I'VE COME -

EARL:

Can't hear you, young fellow. Speak up!

REAPER:

EARL BIEGLER, I'VE COME TO GIVE YOU - aw, hell.

Here.

GASPS OF ANTICIPATION all around the room as the REAPER hands EARL a

long white ENVELOPE. EARL opens it slowly and removes...

...an oversized rectangular TICKET...the size of a Hershey bar, made of

SOLID GOLD, with the letter "E" stamped upon it.

VARIOUS CHARACTERS around the barroom react, in hushed voices:

BULL:

An E-Ticket!

PATRON:

He got a reprieve.

KITTY:

Good for him! He's gonna wake up!

EARL throws his crutches aside, jumps out of his chair, and DANCES A

JIG, waving the ticket over his head. STU stares at him with naked envy.

STU:

No. No. Not him.

EARL:

So long, suckers! See you in the funny papers!

EARL does an end-zone dance toward the door. One by one, OTHER PATRONS

get up from their seats to watch EARL's departure.

EXT. COMA BAR - STREETS - NIGHT

The COMA VICTIMS shuffle toward a BIG RIDE across the midway.

It's a "TEST YOUR STRENGTH" machine - the kind where you slam down a

mallet and try to ring the bell. It's surrounded by crocodile moats and

storm fences and electrified barbed wire, and a big sign reading PRIVATE

- NO ADMITTANCE.

EARL, still jubilant, inserts his E-ticket into a receptacle at the

entrance. A DRAWBRIDGE LOWERS, and CAROUSEL MUSIC cranks up, and

CARNIVAL LIGHTS blink on, and FIREWORKS rocket into the sky...

All around them, faces turn skyward. CLOUDS are parting. An EDDY of

swirling colors is forming DIRECTLY ABOVE the E-ticket ride - and a

PINPOINT HOLE opens up at its center.

The "TEST YOUR STRENGTH" machine has been outfitted with a SEAT where

the bell-ringer should be. Once EARL has settled in, a GIANT MECHANICAL

MAN lifts its enormous mallet...

...and SLAMS IT DOWN on the lever end of the machine, sending EARL

ROCKETING UPWARD toward the hole in the sky. DING!! The SEAT hits the

BELL, but EARL keeps going - up - up - UP...

Then, with a distinct POP, he's gone. Over the rainbow...home.

STU:

He's ninety. He's practically dead already. How

come he goes back and I stay here?

MONKEYBONE:

Maybe he wanted to pick out his own casket?

STU:

(turning abruptly)

HEY!! HEY, YOU!!

STU marches across the street to the GRIM REAPER - who's climbing onto

his WINGED BICYCLE and seems shocked that anyone would want to chat with

him. MONKEYBONE scurries alongside, terrified.

STU:

He got an E-ticket. Where's mine? When do I get

to wake up??

MONKEYBONE:

Stu? Stu? Let's not disturb the nice Reaper.

STU:

I've been stuck down here for months. Somebody

had better start paying attention, or I'm gonna

- I'm gonna kick ass!

MONKEYBONE:

Let's not kick the nice Reaper's ass.

MONKEYBONE practically swoons. But the REAPER just stares at STU:

REAPER:

SORRY, BUD. OFF-DUTY.

The REAPER climbs onto his winged bike and PEDALS OFF down the midway.

STU lets out a HOWL OF FRUSTRATION.

MONKEYBONE:

Stu? Stu? Let's calm down, talk things over. How

about some comedy relief? Okay. Brontosaurus

walks into a gay bar...

STU BOOTS MONKEYBONE aside. They're at a GAME STALL manned by Elsie the

Cow - the one where you throw baseballs at milk bottles. STU picks up a

baseball and HURLS IT at the departing REAPER.

The ball hits the REAPER smack on the head, knocking him off his bike!

STU/MONKEYBONE

(in unison - impressed)

Damn.

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