Monster House Page #3

Zee:
[whispering]No, I'm creeped out. You know,I saw an ambulance here today.

Bones:
So?

Zee:
So maybe Nebbercracker really did die.

Bones:
We should be so lucky. The guy is evil.

Zee:
No, he's just a crotchety old dude.

Bones:
Oh, really, Zee? When I was 10 years old, I had a kite. Awesome kite. I could fly it so high you couldn't see it. One day, it crashed down. I followed the string and it ended right over there... ...across the street, right at the edge of his lawn.

Zee:
[looks at the house outside and back to Bones] Did he take your kite?

Bones:
Yeah, he takes whatever lands on his lawn. But that's not the point. The point is, is that I saw him talking to his house... ...and kissing it. Besides......everybody knows what he did to his wife.

Zee:
Why? What--? What did he do to her?

Bones:
He ate her!

[Bones grabs her and Zee screams in surprise and fell off the couch.]

Zee:
Bones! Get off! Stop it! Ow! Ow! Bones, enough!

Bones:
Come on, Zee.

Zee:
Bones, I'm so sick of you.

Bones:
I was just--

Zee:
You have no respect for women,

Bones:
What? What does that mean?

Zee:
Get out.

Bones:
Fine. Prude.

Back from the Dead

Bones:
What are you looking at? Huh? [he walks towards the house] Nebbercracker, nah, nah. [walking to the other side of the street, he steps up onto the curb, then angrily shouts as he throws his beer bottle onto the lawn before stepping closer to the house] You really are dead, aren't you? [he scoffs then puts his foot on the lawn and laughs deviously] I'm on your lawn, Nebbercracker. Huh, what are you gonna do about it, Nebbercracker? My awesome kite.

DJ:
Chowder. Chowder. Chowder? Chowder.

Chowder:
Heat seeker!

DJ:
Chowder, what are you doing? Shut up.

Chowder:
What?

DJ:
Nebbercracker's back from the dead.

Chowder:
No way.

DJ:
Yeah.

Chowder:
They leave the keys in here. You dare me?

DJ:
Chowder, you're not listening to me. Nebbercracker's haunting me, all right? His blood is on my hands. And now he's coming back for revenge.

Chowder:
You're really crazy right now. Have you noticed that? I think you're just freaking out because you killed a guy today. Life goes on. For you. Try and relax. Be cool, like me.[al of a sudden, he pressed an elbow and the and the exolator started moving.]

DJ:
Chowder, what are you doing? Make it stop![DJ turns off the machine] Quit screwing around. I need your help.

Chowder:
Fine. You want my help?

DJ:
Yeah.

Chowder:
I got three words for you: “Trick or treat.”

DJ:
Okay. Whatever. Let's go.

Welcome Mat

[DJ and Chowder run across the street, towards Nebbercracker's house.]

Chowder:
Hold on. [stops to catch his breath]

DJ:
[using a tree for cover] Chowder, come on.

Chowder:
 [walking up to DJ and peering at the house] The haunting is subtle. Yet, really really boring. Can I go home now?

DJ:
Chowder, shh! He'll hear you.

Chowder:
DJ... this is why nobody will sit next to us at lunch. I'll go ding-dong ditch the house, and you'll see. No ghost! 

DJ:
Chowder, stop, please! [Chowder looks at DJ, gestures at his eyes with his fingers and points them at DJ] Chowder, I'm serious. [Chowder gets on his front and starts crawling towards the house] Chowder, come back. Come back here, please, Chowder. Come on! [Chowder ignores DJ and keeps going; DJ kneels beside the tree and watches] Chowder, come back.

Chowder:
 [as he crawls, he encounters the beer bottle Bones threw onto the lawn and picks it up] Oh, no! A bottle. 

DJ:
Chowder, put that down! [Chowder chuckles as he puts the bottle back where he found it] Come back, please!

Chowder:
Bottle. [he continues crawling towards the house, not noticing the bottle sinking into the grass; reaching the house, he steps onto the porch, towards the door, then turns around to face DJ] Hey, DJ, who am I? [does an imitation of Nebbercracker] Get off my laaaaawn! 

DJ:
Don't. Come on. 

Chowder:
 [pretends to be choking and makes a gagging face at DJ, then giggles and turns towards the door again; looking a little nervous, he rings the doorbell, which sounds unnaturally normal, then faces DJ again and smiles] Hmm. 

[Suddenly, the doorbell rings ominously; Chowder nervously turns around again. The shades on the house's second floor windows open and the lights turn on. From the tree, DJ watches nervously as the sound of wood cracking is heard; Chowder gulps and whimpers, and gasps in horror. Without warning, the front door flies open, several feet away, the floor boards tilt downwards into what appears to be a mouthful of teeth as the entry hallway illuminates in green light, and a carpet rises up. Chowder, gasping and screaming, reacts with fear as teeth-like pieces of wood appear in the upper and lower parts of the doorway; the house's roof and window shades tilt into what looks like a murderous glare. The carpet then comes straight towards Chowder, like a chameleon's tongue; Chowder, now terrified, turns and jumps down from the porch and runs away from the house as fast as he can.]

DJ:
 Move it! Chowder! Get out of there! Come on! Come on! Chowder, come here!

Chowder:
 [screaming as he runs] Mommy! 

DJ:
 Come here! This way! This way! This way!

Chowder:
Help! 

DJ:
 Come on! Come on! Come on, Chowder! Chowder! This way! [Chowder reaches the end of the sidewalk leading to the house. The carpet, having gone as far as it can go, slithers back into the house; Chowder crashes right into DJ, and the two boys fall on to the sidewalk. DJ looks back at the house, which roars at them; DJ and Chowder both scream as they turn and crawl into the street.] Chowder, this way! [they get to their feet and run back to DJ's house, screaming, and push open the front door] Don't look back!

Chowder:
 [entering the house, he glances back at Nebbercracker's house, which looks normal again for a split second, then goes back to looking like a monster; he screams and closes the door] I looked back! [unable to help glancing at the haunted house, he screams before slamming the door closed; Chowder's scream is heard again outside the house; it then shifts to Halloween morning]

A Successful Future

[As Zee is fast asleep on the couch with a pillow over her face, the doorbell rings; Zee slowly wakes up with a groan and pushes the pillow aside.]

Zee:
Bones? [seconds later, she is standing next to the door, straightening her hair] Coming. [getting slightly angry as the doorbell continues ringing, she turns to open the door] Don't even think about crawling back here--! [a young, red-haired girl, Jenny Bennett, is standing at the door, holding up a Halloween mask] Oh.  

Jenny:
Boo! Trick or treat. [not at all amused, Zee closes the door; Jenny puts her mask in a wagon full of candy next to her, and rings the doorbell repeatedly again]

Zee:
 [opening the door again with an annoyed facial expression] What?!  

Jenny:
 [smiling brightly at Zee] Good morning, ma'am. You've just witnessed a simulation of what you'll face this evening. Studies show that households that run out of candy are fifty-five percent more likely to be TP'd. To help avert this tragedy, I'm here selling Halloween candy for my school, West Brook Prep. 

Zee:
Good school. I got kicked out of there. Now, what do you want? 

Jenny:
Just trying to get a head start on life and secure a successful future.  

Zee:
You want a successful future? When a guy with tattoos comes up to the drive-thru, give him his burger, not your phone number. [proceeds to close the door]

Jenny:
 [holding out her hand and stopping Zee from closing the door] Thank you for the advice. I'll be sure to make a note of it. But, back to business. Eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper. Without candy, I'm afraid your house is a... bulls-eye with shingles.  

Zee:
Nice try. It's not my house. 

Jenny:
Babysitter? [Zee nods; Jenny sighs] OK, let's cut the crap. Maybe the parents you work for left you forty dollars in emergency money? 

Zee:
Maybe they left me thirty.  

Jenny:
Maybe you give me twenty, I write a receipt for thirty, and you pocket ten.  

Zee:
Maybe, and I want two extra bags of peanut clusters. 

Jenny:
One bag, and I'll toss in a licorice whip. 

Zee:
[nodding with a smile] You're good. 

Jenny:
[smiles back at Zee very brightly] Hmm. [turns to leave] 

[Meanwhile, in DJ's room, Mountain Dew bottles filled with something other than Mountain Dew are all over the floor as Chowder sits on the stool with his cape over his head, gazing through the telescope at Nebbercracker's house with the window open and the blinds closed; Chowder's butt is so big, it slightly goes over the sides of the stool. DJ is sleepily sitting at his desk; his watch beeps.]

Chowder:
[with a yawn] 8 AM. No detectable movement.  

DJ:
[making a note] No detectable movement.  

Zee:
[entering the room] Hey, DJ, I brought you some chocolate. 

DJ:
Shh! [Chowder turns around, lifts his cape up, and hisses at her; Zee, unaware of what they're up to, turns on the light; Chowder falls off the stool as DJ runs over to turn it off before turning back towards Chowder] Cover blown? 

Chowder:
[returning to the telescope and gazing at the house, which is still motionless, he sighs with annoyance] No detectable movement! 

Zee:
What are you two weirdos up to? 

Chowder:
[walking up to Zee] Oh, nothing. Just something in the house across the street JUST TRIED TO EAT US! [does a monster-like gesture with his hand as he speaks] 

DJ:
[as Zee picks up one of the bottles on the floor] Yeah. We've been up all night watching it. We haven't even left this room once. Not even to go to the bathroom. [pointing at the bottle in Zee's hand] Don't drink that. 

Zee:
Ugh, gross. Whatever disease you guys have, I'm sure it's got letters, and that they make pills for it.  

DJ:
Zee, it's true! There's something evil going on across the street!  

Zee:
That's excellent. I'm really happy for you. Anyway, um... have you two astronomers seen Bones? He left last night unexpectedly, and... he never came back. 

DJ:
He never came back? [Zee shakes her head]

Chowder:
[remembering Bones' beer bottle, which he found on Nebbercracker's lawn] Bottle.  

DJ:
[realizing what conclusion Chowder is jumping to] Of course!  

Zee:
[getting annoyed] Oh, okay, you know what? I don't have time for this.

Chowder:
[getting up and walking to Zee with an uneasy facial expression] Listen, Zee, I don't know how to tell you this--

DJ:
Your boyfriend has most likely been eaten alive.[Zee's eyes widen]

Zee:
Sherry Klausen. I gotta go. [thrusts the candy bars at DJ] Breakfast. Happy Halloween, losers. [she turns and leaves the room, closing the door behind her]

[DJ and Chowder look at each other in disappointment, then Chowder resumes monitoring the house while DJ places the chocolate bars on the desk and resumes taking notes.]

Scoping It Out

[Chowder continues monitoring Nebbercracker's house; he follows a leaf blowing along, zooming past Jenny as she walks along the street, and goes back to her, watching her as she walks.]

Chowder:
Hello.  

DJ:
What? [he gets up] What is it? 

Chowder:
Oh. Nothing.  

DJ:
 [coming to the telescope] Let me see.  

[A close-up of Chowder's eye is shown before shifting to show a close-up of DJ's eye; he glimpses Jenny as she walks along, glamorously smiling and flashing radiantly. Infatuated, DJ and Chowder both sigh dreamily, then continue watching her through the telescope. As she looks to her left while walking, they turn the telescope to the right, focusing on the "Beware" sign on Nebbercracker's lawn; they gasp as they see the sign disappear under the grass, then turn the telescope to the left so it's focused on Jenny again, and watch as she goes along the sidewalk to her left. They look up from the telescope to see she's heading straight towards Nebbercracker's house; they both gasp and look at each other in horror.]

DJ and Chowder:
 [simultaneously] Oh, no! [they immediately run for the bedroom door as the phone starts ringing]

Chowder:
[as he and DJ open the front door and run after Jenny] No! 

DJ:
No, wait! 

Chowder:
Hey! No! 

DJ:
Hey!  

Zee [glancing upstairs then out the front door as it closes] DJ, that's your phone! 

DJ:
[as he and Chowder continue running after Jenny, trying to warn her] No, stop!

Chowder:
Yoo-hoo! Girl! Hey!

DJ:
Don't go in there!

Chowder:
Hold it! [they stop just before the curb]

DJ:
[calmly as Jenny turns to face them while the "Keep Away" sign sinks into the grass] Don't go any further. [motioning for her to come away from the house] Come here. 

Chowder:
Yes, over here. 

Jenny:
 [not understanding that they're trying to protect her] Are you guys mentally challenged? [behind her, the front door slowly opens; DJ and Chowder look at each other nervously and then back at the house] If you are, I'm certified to teach you baseball. [the two boys look up to see the eyelid-like shades of the windows open and tilt into an angry stare]

Chowder:
 [as Jenny turns around with mild annoyance] Detectable movement! [Jenny gasps in horror as she sees the house awakening while DJ and Chowder watch in horror behind her; its eye-like windows glare at her, the porch forms into a mouth, and the teeth-like pieces of wood appear in the doorway. Jenny screams and falls backwards, getting stuck in her wagon full of candy. The sidewalk slab below her rumbles, then suddenly shoots out of the ground, held by a pipe, sways back and forth, then tilts; as she rolls forward, another slab rises to catch her; Jenny sits in her wagon, gasping in panic.] What do we do? What do we do?  

DJ:
Come on! [DJ runs along the right side of the sidewalk while Chowder takes the left, as another sidewalk slab catches Jenny]

Jenny:
 [still struggling to free herself from her wagon as the house moves her closer] Guys! 

DJ:
Run, Chowder! 

Chowder:
I'm running! 

Jenny:
[as the sidewalk slabs form a slide, sending her directly towards the porch] Help! Please! [DJ and Chowder reach the porch, hands held out, as the tongue-like carpet emerges; the two boys grab Jenny's hands as her wagon is swallowed whole; DJ and Chowder both pull Jenny a little roughly]

DJ:
I got her!  

Chowder:
No, I got her! [DJ pulls her so hard that he and Jenny fall backwards to their side, while Chowder falls backwards on his side]

Zee:
 [opening the front door of DJ's house] Hello?! [seeing Zee coming out, the house immediately lowers the sidewalk slabs and goes back to its dormant appearance; on the lawn, Jenny sits up, horrified] Hey!  

Jenny:
 [breathing fearfully, she puts her hand on her heart as DJ, also shaken, turns toward Zee] Oh my god. [she turns to face Zee as well]

Zee:
 [holding up the telephone] Hey, there's an angry dad on the phone, looking for the one called Chowder! [Chowder, knowing Zee is referring to him, gets to his feet and goes toward her] Hello! Loser, I'm talking to you. [DJ, getting to his feet, turns to Jenny and holds out his hand, helping her to her feet; she briefly looks at him with a thankful smile, to which he smiles back at her, before the two of them walk away from the house; as they go, Jenny glances back at the house, still shaken by what just happened; in the background, Zee holds the phone out for Chowder] He's worried about you.  

Chowder:
 [taking the phone from Zee and going back inside DJ's house] He should be! 

Zee:
 [turning to face DJ with her arms folded] Start explaining. 

DJ:
All right. The house-it tried to eat us--

Zee:
[annoyed] OK, stop explaining. I've had enough of this! [pushes past DJ]

DJ:
Wait, wait. Where you are going?

Zee:
[walking towards Nebbercracker's house] I'm going to see what's happening with that stupid house of yours!

DJ:
[grabbing Zee's arm] Wait! No, no, no! You can't!

Zee:
[angrily turning around] What is your problem?! [the house opens its eye behind her]

DJ:
[thinking of something to say to convince Zee not to go near the house] Uh... puberty. Yeah, I'm having lots and lots of puberty.

Zee:
[glances over her shoulder at the house, which is now glaring at her, DJ, and Jenny, then turns toward DJ again] No more Mountain Dew.

DJ:
Right.

Zee:
[walking to her car] I'm going to find Bones.

DJ:
[putting his hand on her shoulder as she goes] All right. Hey, you have fun, okay? Don't worry about us; we'll be fine. And you tell him I said "Hey", okay? [Zee pulls her shoulder out of DJ's hand] Safe driving. See ya! [He lowers his head in disappointment. Jenny taps him on the back; he turns around.] Oh. Hi.

Jenny:
Want to tell me what's going on?

DJ:
Oh, yeah. I-I-I made the whole puberty thing up. [Jenny looks at him, confused; DJ, seeing that he hasn't introduced himself yet, extends his hand to her] Hi. I'm JD--DJ. [Jenny extends her hand and awkwardly shakes DJ's hand]

Getting Technical

Chowder:
[watching from DJ's bedroom window as DJ and Jenny walk towards the house and Zee drives off while he is on the phone with his dad] Yes, dad. I meant to call you, but I forgot. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay. Absolutely. Affirmative. Okay. Love you. Bye. [hangs up the phone as the bedroom door opens and DJ and Jenny enter; Chowder immediately pretends he's on the phone again]

DJ:
And this is our... little observation post... such as it were. [Jenny and DJ both laugh] Yeah. Posters are stupid. I was gonna tear 'em down and... put up some art.

Chowder:
Well, dad, why don't you kiss my hairy butt?! [places the phone on the bed and turns around] Hey, DJ, you got any beer? [he sees Jenny and becomes infatuated all over again] Well, hello there.

DJ:
[to Jenny as Chowder lovingly approaches her and extends his hand] This is Chowder.

Chowder:
[affectionately shakes Jenny's hand with both his hands] Charles to the ladies.

Jenny:
[pulls her hand out of Chowder's grasp] Um... Jenny Bennett. Two-term Class President at West Brook Prep.

DJ:
[points at Chowder] That's a tough school to get into.

Chowder:
 Yeah, I got in, but decided not to go.

Jenny:
[looks at Chowder with a frank facial expression] It’s a girls’ school. [DJ grins at Chowder]

Chowder:
[slightly embarrassed] Which is why I... didn’t. [DJ and Jenny simply smile at Chowder] You know, there’s a... there’s a great taco stand near there.

Jenny:
[walks to the window] I hate Mexican food.

DJ and Chowder:
Me, too. [they look at each other in surprise; Jenny pulls down the blinds and gazes out at Nebbercracker's house]

Chowder:
[joining Jenny by the window] Fascinating, isn't it? It just sits there waiting... mocking us with its... [whispers in her ear] houseness.

Jenny:
[disgusted by Chowder's apparent lack of self-control, she turns away from the window] May I please use your phone?

Chowder:
Yeah, sure.

DJ:
[handing Jenny the phone] Here. Who you calling?

Jenny:
My mother.

Chowder:
[nudging DJ] Rude.

DJ:
You know, she's probably not gonna believe you. It's too much for the adult mind to comprehend.

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