Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #12
- PG
- Year:
- 1975
- 91 min
- 6,426 Views
LAUNCELOT:
We must escape. Quickly before the song.
CONCORDE:
Come with me, sir.
LAUNCELOT:
You're not right for this genre ... I must escape more dramatically.
CONCORDE:
Quickly, sir, come this way!
LAUNCELOT:
No! It's not right for my idiom. I must escape more ... more ...
CONCORDE:
Dramatically, sir?
LAUNCELOT:
Dramatically.
CROWD:
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
He's going to tell about his great escape.
Oh he fell a long long way
But he's here with us today
What a wonderful ... escape.
CONCORDE goes. SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope
of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a
swashbuckling manner towards a large window. He stops just short
of the window and is left swing pathetically back and forth.
LAUNCELOT:
Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ...
25 EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK
Toothless old CRONE by the roadside. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and two PAGES
ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE.
ARTHUR:
Is there anywhere where we could buy a shrubbery?
The OLD CRONE crosses herself with a look of stark terror.
CRONE:
Who sent you?
ARTHUR:
The Knights Who Say Ni!
CRONE:
Aaaagh!
No! We have no shrubberies here.
BEDEVERE:
Surely, there must be.
ARTHUR restrains from threatening the LADY.
ARTHUR:
(aside)
It will be not good to argue. These simple people are terrified
of the Knights Who Say Ni!
CRONE:
(she cowers)
Ohhh!
ARTHUR takes BEDEVERE further aside.
ARTHUR:
There is only one way to get the information we want ...
BEDEVERE:
Send her a letter from a long way away?
ARTHUR:
Er, no ... no, we must ...
BEDEVERE:
Talk to her in funny voices?
ARTHUR:
(slightly crossly)
No ...
BEDEVERE:
How about trying ourselves to a tree?
ARTHUR:
(grittily)
No. Our only hope is to make her as afraid of us as she is of
BEDEVERE:
(sagely)
Ah! Hit ourselves with a big rock ...
He nods knowingly.
ARTHUR:
(tolerantly but firmly)
No. Nothing we do to ourselves will frighten her as much as
what we can do to her ...
BEDEVERE:
Ah!
ARTHUR:
We must threaten to say "Ni"!
BEDEVERE:
(terror)
Oh, no.
They reapproach the OLD CRONE who is cowering more than ever.
ARTHUR:
Listen, old crone! Unless you tell us where we can buy a
shrubbery, my friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!"
CRONE:
Do your worst!
I have herd the Knights say "Ni"! in the night. I have herd the
hideous Peng! and they have said "Nee-wum"! to my sister but still
I have not revealed ...
ARTHUR:
Very well, old crone. Since you will not assist us voluntarily
... "Ni"!
CRONE:
No. Never. No shrubberies.
ARTHUR:
Ni!
BEDEVERE:
Nu!
ARTHUR:
No. Ni! More like this. "Ni"!
BEDEVERE:
Ni, ni, ni!
ARTHUR:
It's not working.
You're not doing it properly. Ni!
BEDEVERE:
Ni!
ARTHUR:
That's it. Ni! Ni!
A PASSER-BY on a horse is observing them.
ROGER:
Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?
ARTHUR:
Erm, yes.
ROGER:
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni"
at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land!
nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design
shrubberies are under considerable economic stress
at this point in time.
ARTHUR:
Did you say shrubberies?
ROGER:
Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name
is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEVERE:
(rather aggressively, to ROGER)
Ni!
ARTHUR:
No. No. No!
CUT TO the glade in the forest again.
ARTHUR:
Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery. May we go now?
TALL KNIGHT:
That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly -
But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR:
What is that?
TALL KNIGHT:
We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!
ONE KNIGHT:
Ni!
OTHERS:
Sh!
ONE KNIGHT:
(wispers)
Sorry.
TALL KNIGHT:
We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!
OTHERS:
Ni!
OTHERS:
Ni!
ONE KNIGHT:
Peng!
OTHERS:
Ni!
OTHERS:
Sh! Sh!
TALL KNIGHT:
Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements
previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!
ONE KNIGHT:
Ni!
ANOTHER:
Peng!
ANOTHER:
Sh!
TALL KNIGHT:
Shut up!
(to ARTHUR)
Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who
say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!
OTHERS:
(terrific chorus)
Neeeow ... wum ... ping!
ARTHUR:
What is this test, Knights of N...
(can't say it)
KNIGHT:
Ni!
TALL KNIGHT:
Firstly. You must get us another shrubbery!
OTHER KNIGHTS:
(half seen)
More shrubberies! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!
ARTHUR:
TALL KNIGHT:
When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here,
beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a
two-level effect with a path through the middle.
OTHER KNIGHTS:
A path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni!
Chorus of "Ni! Ni!"
TALL KNIGHT:
When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut
down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.
OTHER KNIGHTS:
Yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring!
ARTHUR:
We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!
TALL KNIGHT:
Oh, please!
ARTHUR:
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!
OTHER KNIGHTS:
(they all recoil in horror)
Oh!
TALL KNIGHT:
Don't say that word.
ARTHUR:
What word?
TALL KNIGHT:
I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Ni! cannot hear!
ARTHUR:
How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?
TALL KNIGHT:
(cringing in fear)
You said it again!
ARTHUR:
What, "is"?
TALL KNIGHT:
(dismissively)
No, no ... not "is"!
OTHER KNIGHTS:
Not "is"! Not "is"!
Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.
SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS
Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid
To have his eyeballs skewered ...
TALL KNIGHT:
(irritated)
"Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"!
BEDEVERE:
My liege, it's Sir Robin!
TALL KNIGHT:
(covering his ears)
You've said the word again!
SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing. The SINGERS are going on
cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them, continually
embarrassed at their presence.
SINGERS:
... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ...
ROBIN holds his hand up for silence.
ARTHUR:
Sir Robin!
He shakes his hand warmly.
ROBIN:
My liege! It's good to have found you again ...
TALL KNIGHT:
Now he's said the word!
ARTHUR:
Where are you going good Sir Robin?
ROBIN'S SINGERS
(starting up again)
He was going home ... he was giving up,
He was throwing in the sponge.
ROBIN:
(to SINGERS)
Shut up! No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly
wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ...
er thing ... in this forest.
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"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 18 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/monty_python_and_the_holy_grail_931>.
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