Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #13

ARTHUR:

No ... it lies beyond this forest.

TALL KNIGHT:

Stop saying the word!

OTHER KNIGHTS:

Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! The word ...

ARTHUR:

(losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI")

Oh, stop it!

Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the ground

covering their ears. The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to control

his MEN.

OTHER KNIGHTS:

They're all saying the word ...

TALL KNIGHT:

Stop saying it. AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

OTHER KNIGHTS:

You've said it! Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... Wwe're all saying it.

ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through

the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest.

27 EXTERIOR - HISTORIAN'S GLADE - DAY

We CUT TO an almost subliminal shot of the HISTORIAN'S WIFE being shown

into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade

CUT BACK to the forest. The Knights of "NI" are slowly recovering. they

get up.

TALL KNIGHT:

Well, At least We've got ONE shrubbery.

OTHER KNIGHTS:

Yes, Yes ... We've Done very Well ... NI!

TALL KNIGHT:

Ssh! I think somebody's coming. We'll get them to give us

another shrubbery.

OTHER KNIGHTS:

Good Idea. More shrubberies. As many as possible.

Perhaps we start to TRACK BACK from the scene as they go on talking.

TALL KNIGHT:

What shall we call ourselves this time?

KNIGHT:

How about "The knights of Nicky-Nicky"?

28 EXTERIOR - DAY

A Small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at the

apparent direction of someone behind the camera. A Few coughs

as they shuffle together. a moment of silence. then they burst

into pleasant (melliflubus) song.

Song:
When the trees do blossom full

and all the hills are green

Oh! Oh! We sing

hey! hey! We sing

our count....ry Song...

A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up. sound of raucous

laughter OFF CAMERA.

CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from

the group of SINGERS.

Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD. He is roaring with

roaring with laughter. and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all the

marks of a faded richness. it is a court without women, and nobody

does the washing or shaves very well. perhaps there is washing however

on the line over the castle. KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around

him. Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (Except for BRIAN

himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged; all the people

at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm missing (possibly

the result of some violent edict a few years back)

KING BRIAN:

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Oh! Very good! Next!

FIRST ADVISER:

(a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously

giving him some pain)

There are no more, Sir.

KING BRIAN:

(grabbing him by the collar)

What do'you mean you filthy dog!

FIRST ADVISER:

There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir.

KING BRIAN:

No more close harmony groups!!!

FIRST ADVISER:

We have scoured the kingdom.

KING BRIAN:

(lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his

arm again slightly)

You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper!

Guards!

Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also

have their left arms missing)

FIRST ADVISER:

have mercy your MAJESTY!

KING BRIAN:

GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest

tree in the kingdom!

The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off. he whines piteously.

29 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT BACK to the glade where the KNIGHTS OF NI! were. A police car

roars up. Two PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE and a CONSTABLE get out, look

around suspiciously, perhaps kneel and examine the ground. one POLICEMAN

finds PATSY's shoe and the other finds a strange scientific instrument that

was hanging from BEDEVERE.

They nod grimly to each other. Climb back in the car and drive off.

30 EXTERIOR - DAY

Back in KING BRIAN's Court. the FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off. there

are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree. the FIRST ADVISER

is being hauled up it on pulleys.

SECOND ADVISER:

Your Majesty, I can Find you a Lute player, whose music is passing

sweet.

KING BRIAN:

It's not the same, You thick-headed fool!

(KING BRIAN hits him on the back of the head. he falls.)

There's no fun in killing soloists!

SECOND ADVISER:

(picking himself up)

He may have a friend...

KING BRIAN:

GUARDS!

SECOND ADVISER:

Oh Please your majesty! Please!

KING BRIAN:

Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom!

The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away.

SECOND ADVISER:

No!

(he is dragged off screaming and protesting)

KING BRIAN:

(roaring at the rest of the court)

I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that

there are no more close harmony ...

At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped

to listen. The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous

sounds.

We're the knights of the round table

our shows are formidable

but many times we're given rhymes

that are quite unsingable...

KING BRIAN:

Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead!

Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily.

CREEP:

Thank goodness.

KING BRIAN:

Shut up!

(punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the

SECOND ADVISER)

Oy you!

SECOND ADVISER:

(doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach)

Yes, Your majesty?

KING BRIAN:

Go and get 'em!

SECOND ADVISER:

(gratefully)

Thank you sir!

(He staggers off with some difficulty)

GUARD:

'ere... We'd just started taking his kidneys out.

CUT TO ARTHUR,BEDEVERE,GALAHAD and LANCELOT. (Garwin,thrstam, Hecrot)

plus all their pages. there are riding along singing cheerily.

KNIGHTS:

We're baby mad and Camelot

we nurse and push the pram a lot

in war we're tough and able

quite indefatigable

between our quests we sequin vests

and dress like betty gable

it's a...

SECOND ADVISER:

HALT!

SIR GALAHAD:

Who are you who dares to halt the knights of king Arthur's round table

in mid-verse?

SECOND ADVISER:

I bring greetings from the court of king Brian.

SIR LANCELOT:

King Brian the wild?

SECOND ADVISER:

Some call him that, but he's calmed down allot recently.

SIR GALAHAD:

Are those YOUR kidneys?

SECOND ADVISER:

(covering his stomach)

No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound.

(The KNIGHTS look at each other)

he has herd your beautiful melody; and wishes you to come to his court,

that he may listen at his ease ooh!

SIR LANCELOT:

You must be joking!

(general murmur or agreement from the other KNIGHTS.)

Go to the court of king Brian the wild and sing close harmony!

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