Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #14

OTHER KNIGHTS:

No fear etc.

SECOND ADVISER:

(in increasing pain)

It need not be close harmony oooh agh!

SIR GALAHAD:

Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it?

SECOND ADVISER:

Not necessarily ... As I say king Brian is much more relaxed than

he used to be.

SIR GALAHAD:

I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of

straight choral work?

SECOND ADVISER:

Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh!

KNIGHTS:

Ah! There you are!

SIR LAUNCELOT:

We'd end un-like the Shalott Choral Society.

SECOND ADVISER:

Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh!

ARTHUR:

No we must be on our way.

They start off.

SECOND ADVISER:

(by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to

sound threatening)

If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ... oh

... iron spikes though your heads.

KNIGHTS:

Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild!

SECOND ADVISER:

(looking helplessly at his intestines)

He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally.

SIR GALAHAD:

Like with close harmony groups.

SECOND ADVISER:

Ooh ... Look if you're scared ...

SIR LANCELOT:

We're not SCARED!

SECOND ADVISER:

(With his last ounce of strength)

Very well! King Brian challenges your to sing before him in close

harmony!

ARTHUR:

A challenge?

The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow

suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS

look at him rather fearfully.

ARTHUR:

(majestacally)

It is a challenge. We cannot refuse.

SIR GALAHAD:

King Brian's a f***ing looney.

SECOND ADVISER:

Great!

(dies)

SIR GALAHAD:

Are you all right?

CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias. he sees the KNIGHTS enter

the arena.

KING BRIAN:

Ah good!

CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed

notes. meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation.

KING BRIAN settling down.

KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. the last of the previous close harmony

group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver

from scene tow (Perhaps we see him being paid off)

SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having

his gag removed.

SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still

rather nervous.

The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes.

KING BRIAN:

(who can't wait)

RIGHT! Carry on gentleman.

HERALD:

KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON!

ARTHUR:

(wispering)

All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base.

They all nod.

One... Two... Three...

Sound of Bows being drown very near by.

ARTHUR looks up and frowns.

CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg

missing, but they DO have two arms.

Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO.

ARTHUR:

Hold it! Err ... King Brian!

HERALD:

(Louder than ever)

ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN!

KING BRIAN:

(trueulently)

What?

ARTHUR:

What are THEY For?

(Indicates the archers)

KING BRIAN:

Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be.

ARTHUR:

Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience.

KING BRIAN:

Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE!

HERALD:

KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO

HAVE AN AUDIENCE!

ARTHUR:

We'd rather give a private recital.

HERALD:

THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST

KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD!

KING BRIAN:

(to himself)

Turds...

HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step.

ONE-LEGGED RSM

Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left

Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left.

They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight

(Fence needs to be about 7 or 9 feet high)

KING BRIAN:

Right! Ready when you are.

HERALD:

KING BRIAN IS READY!

ARTHUR:

And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ...

They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows points,

peep over the top of the fence.

HOLD IT!

SIR GAWAIN:

(singing)

We're

Quick flash of ARCHERS sensed to fire, one tires to hold his shot back but

fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air.

Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the

highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow.

KING BRIAN:

What is it now?

ARTHUR:

We're not entirely happy with the acoustics.

HERALD:

THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH...

KING BRIAN:

(impatiently)

Oh Sod the acoustics! Get on with the singing!

HERALD:

KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS!

ARTHUR:

In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere.

(turns to his knights and begins to usher them off)

HERALD:

THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH,

FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING!

KING BRIAN:

(getting very angry and dribbling slightly)

NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ...

thing ...

HERALD:

KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN

INCIDENT.

KING BRIAN:

Don't editorialize!

HERALD:

SORRY, KING.

KING BRIAN:

Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony!

KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without

any pretence it concealment - fitting arrows into their bows.

HERALD:

KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAD CLOSE HARMONY!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

KING BRIAN:

I said don't.

HERALD:

Sorry, King.

KING BRIAN:

Right! On the count of three ... one ...

HERALD:

THE KING'S SAID ONE!

KING BRIAN:

Two!

HERALD:

THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT!

We hear the sound of bows being drawn back. Tension mounts. the KNIGHTS

all look pretty grim. The end is clearly pretty near.

KING BRIAN:

(face in a paroxysm of blood-lust)

Three!

HERALD:

THREE!

Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing

"Bravely, good sir robin was not at all afraid..."

CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner

of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking

rather embarrassed.

KING BRIAN:

(turning to the sound)

FANTASTIC!

CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS

"To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!"

They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows.

KING BRIAN:

HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!

Oh bloody marvellous!

ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS, surprised

but relieved.

ARTHUR:

Sir Robin! this way!

ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES and

make good their escape.

KING BRIAN:

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!

HERALD:

KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP!

KING BRIAN:

Shut up!

HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off.

HERALD'S HEAD

(as it rolls away)

PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED!

28 EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION

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