Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #16

ROBIN:

Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.

ARTHUR:

Shut up. Go and change your armour.

ROBIN leaves, walking strangely.

GALAHAD:

Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make

a mistake.

ARTHUR:

Like what?

GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.

GALAHAD:

Do we have any bows?

ARTHUR:

No.

LAUNCELOT:

We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

ROBIN:

The what?

ARTHUR:

The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred

relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.

ALL:

Yes. Of course.

ARTHUR:

(shouting)

Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

Slight pause. Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group

of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing

and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and

waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused

with the holy glow.

ARTHUR takes it. Pause

ARTHUR:

How does it ... er ...

LAUNCELOT:

I know not.

ARTHUR:

Consult the Book of Armaments.

BROTHER MAYNARD:

Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.

ANOTHER MONK:

(reading from bible)

And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying

"O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow

thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and

people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies

and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...

BROTHER MAYNARD:

Skip a bit brother ...

ANOTHER MONK:

... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou

take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more,

no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the

number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count,

neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.

Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number,

be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

ARTHUR:

Right.

He pulls Pin out. The MONK blesses the grenade as ...

ARTHUR:

(quietly)

One, two

, three ...

, five ...

GALAHAD:

Three, sir!

ARTHUR:

Three.

ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT. There is an explosion and cheering

from the KNIGHTS.

ALL KNIGHTS:

Praise be to the lord. Huzzah!

32 INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY

MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave. It is a large cave and as

they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave

a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise

as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall.

The KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD.

ARTHUR:

There! Look!

BEDEVERE:

What does it say?

GALAHAD:

What language is this?

BEDEVERE:

Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.

BROTHER MAYNARD:

It is Aramaic!

GALAHAD:

Of course. Joseph of Aramathea!

ALL:

Of course.

ARTHUR:

What does it say?

BROTHER MAYNARD:

It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of

Aramathea."

Excitement.

"He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail

in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

ARTHUR:

What?

BROTHER MAYNARD:

"The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

BEDEVERE:

What's that?

BROTHER MAYNARD:

He must have died while carving it.

BEDEVERE:

Oh, come on.

BROTHER MAYNARD:

That's what it says.

ARTHUR:

(miming)

But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

He'd just say it.

BROTHER MAYNARD:

It's down there carved in stone.

GALAHAD:

Perhaps he was dictating.

ARTHUR:

Shut up. Is that all it says?

BROTHER MAYNARD:

That's all. "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

ARTHUR:

"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

BEDEVERE:

Do you think he meant the Camargue?

GALAHAD:

Where's that?

BEDEVERE:

France, I think.

LAUNCELOT:

Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall?

ARTHUR:

No, that's Saint Ives.

A muffled roar is heard.

ROBIN:

Hey!

BEDEVERE:

No, that's in Herefordshire.

ROBIN:

(more urgently)

No ... HEY!!!

LAUNCELOT:

"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... "

ROBIN:

No! "Hey"! is surprise and alarm!

BEDEVERE:

Oooooh!

LAUNCELOT:

No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat.

BEDEVERE:

No! "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm!

He indicated the entrance of the cave. They all turn and look. There in

the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon beast.

ARTHUR:

Oh!

GALAHAD:

My God!

LAUNCELOT:

What is it?

BEDEVERE:

I know! I know! I Know!

ARTHUR:

What?

BEDEVERE:

It's the ... oh ...

(snaps his fingers as he tries to remember)

it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ...

Another hideous roar.

That's it!

ARTHUR:

What?

BEDEVERE:

It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION. ARTHUR turns.

ARTHUR:

Who was that?

HECTOR:

(from back of group; northern and helpful)

It was Sir Alf.

ARTHUR:

I didn't know we had a Sir Alf.

HECTOR:

He was feeding it bread.

ARTHUR:

(shouting back)

Well, that was a very silly thing to do. Now the rest of you stand

well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

HECTOR:

Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

ROBIN:

Look out.

The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them. The KNIGHTS retreat

into the darkness of the cave.

GAWAIN:

(as they run)

It's only a cartoon.

ARTHUR:

Sh!

They run off. Darkness. The MONSTER lumbering through on animation.

VOICE OVER:

As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur

and his knights seemed hopeless, when, suddenly ... the animator

suffered a fatal heart attack.

ANIMATOR:

Aaaaagh!

VOICE OVER:

The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail

could continue.

ANIMATED SEQUENCE. Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a

distant opening to the cave. They reach the opening. It is day.

33 EXTERIOR - DAY

The KNIGHTS emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a

breathtaking, barren landscape. Glencoe. They are half they way up

the side of a mountain. They rest a few seconds and get their breath

back.

GALAHAD:

Look!

GALAHAD:

There it is!

ARTHUR:

The Bridge of Death!

ROBIN:

(to himself)

Oh! Great ...

They look and see on the side of the mountain there is a sort of milestone

which bears the words: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 5 miles" and an arrow.

ARTHUR:

God be praised. This must be the gorge of which the old man spoke

in scene twenty-four.

The KNIGHTS set off along and rather perilous track edging along

the side of the mountain. GALAHAD is leading.

MIX THROUGH they are climbing higher. The path gets more and more

slippery and dangerous. They reach another milestone which says:

"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 4 miles" and an arrow, and "Ni! 82 miles" and

an arrow pointing in the opposite direction. They go on. It is

dangerous and difficult. Tension in their faces.

As they are climbing, BEDEVERE turns to ROBIN and ARTHUR.

BEDEVERE:

We must find the bridge ... the Bridge of Death ...

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