Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl Page #2

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Anti-rasist singer :

Never be rude to a polack...[Boom]

John Cleese:
Hello, and welcome to Munich, for the 27th Silly Olympiad, an event held traditionally every 3.7 years, which

this year has brought together competitors from over 4 million different countries. And here we are at the start of the first

event of the afternoon: the second semifinal of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction.Aah, to see the

competitors; Lane One: Kolomovski of Poland; Lane Two: Zatapatique of France; Lane Three: Gropovich of the United

States, next to him: Drabble of Trinidad, next to him: Fernand�z of Spain, and in the outside lane: Bormann of Brazil!

Starter:
Get set!

Starter's Pistol: [Bang]

John Cleese:
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? And now, over to the other end of the stadium. And here they're just waiting for

the start of the 1500 meters for the deaf. And they're on the starter's orders.

Starter's Pistol: [Bang]

John Cleese:
Well, we'll be coming back the moment there's any action. And now over to the swimming. And you join us here

at the Bundesabsurd pool just in time to see the start of the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers. Watch for the top

Australian champion Ron Barnett in the second lane.

Starter's Whistle: [Whistle]

Swimmers:
[Splash]

John Cleese:
Well, we'll be bringing you back here the moment they start fishing the corpses up. And now over to the ---- for

the start of the marathon for incontinents. Well, we put in for this event 44 competitors from 29 different countries, all of

them with the most superbly weak bladders. Not a tight slinter in sight. Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest

race and they're just aching to go!

Starter:
On your marks! Get set!

Starter's Pistol: [Bang]

John Cleese:
And they're off! They're off! Well... Well, back at the 1500 meters and the starter's putting up a magnificent

show! We've had ---- scattered random fire, fuselage firing, ----. It's enough to make you chew your own foot off! And now

the high jump! Katerina Ovelenskij, Soviet Union! But what a jump! What a jump! That ought to be a record! And here we

are at the 3000 meter steeplechase for people who think they're chickens! There's Samuelsson of the United States, and over

there is Klaus of East Germany! He's been a ---- for the last three olympics. ---- There's the leader, Abe Seagull of Canada ----

very good start ---- water jump, and has now gone loopy. Now we are back with the marathon for incontinents once again.

There's Polinski of Poland in the lead, and-and now Brewer of Australia is taking over! ---- And so now it is Alvarez of Cuba,

followed by the ---- Norwegian Borg, ----. Well, well, these must be some of the weakest bladders ever to represent their

country! And now, let's have a look back at what's going on down on stage!

Bruce I:
Good evening, ladies and bruces!

Bruce II:
Hello, Bruce.

Bruce I:
Hello, Bruce.

Bruce III:
Hello, Bruce.

Bruce I:
Hey, Bruce.

Bruce II:
What's all this lot, Bruce?

Bruce I:
It's very nice to be here at the Hollywood Bowl this evening! We're all philosophy professors from the University of

Woolamaloa, Australia!

All Bruces:
Hey, Australia, Australia, Australia! God love ya!

Bruce I:
I teach Hegelian philosophy, Bruce here teaches Aristotolean philosophy, and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep

dip.

Bruce II:
[Cough] Bloody difficult work, I tell ya!

Bruce I:
I'll tell you what is thirsty work watching this garn of human. Bruce, why don't you just stick out a few of these little

free examples from your ----.

Bruce I:
All right! Now, the reason we do this, ladies and bruces, is frankly over here we find your American beer is a little

like making love in a canoe!

Bruce III:
Making love in a canoe?

Bruce I:
It's f***ing close to water! Well now, we're going to try and raise the tone a little here by singing a nice intellectual

song for for those two or three of you in the audience...

Bruce II:
Right!

Bruce I:
...who understand these things. So, here we go!

All Bruces :

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar

Who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume

Schopenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya

'Bout the raising of the wrist

Socrates himself was permanently pissed

Bruce II:
How do you like that? All right!

Bruce I:
Let's hold it a second. I can see some of these bruces are in a bit of a playful mood tonight. Ain't that, Bruce?

Bruce II:
Yeah, Bruce.

Bruce I:
Some of the ones that don't have straws up their nose. Anyway, why don't we do something rather... Why don't we

get some of these guys to sing along with us? ----.

Bruce II:
Ok, I've got the words somewhere.

Bruce I:
Right! Ready!

Bruce II:
Right! Ready!

All Bruces & Audience :

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Bruce II:
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy...

Bruce I:
They're a typical Hollywood audience! All the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates! Have we got

any...have we got anything bigger to put the words up for these rather shortsighted people?

Bruce II:
This is Bruce from the Biology Department.

Bruce I:
All right. Okay, here we go.

All Bruces & Audience :

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Bruce II:
Come on!

All Bruces & Audience :

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar

Who could take you under the table

David Hume could out-consume

Schopenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya

'Bout the raising of the wrist

Socrates himself was permanently pissed

John Stuart Mill of his own free will

On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

Plato they say could stick it away

Half a crate of whiskey every day

Aristotle, Aristotle was a buggar for the bottle

Hobbes was fond of his Dram

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart

"I drink, therefore I am !"

Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed

A lovely little thinker

But a bugger when he's pissed

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