Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl Page #3

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Silly Walks Director: Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather silly over

these months, so it takes so long to get to the office. Now,uhm, what was it again?

Silly Walks Applicant: Uh, well sir, I-I-I I have got a silly walk and I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop

it.

Silly Walks Director: I see. Well, may I see this silly walk of yours?

Silly Walks Applicant: Oh, yes, certainly.

Silly Walks Director: Yes, I see, tha-tha-that's it, is it?

Silly Walks Applicant: Ah, well, yes, that's it.

Silly Walks Director: Yes, yes, yes. It's not particularly silly, is it?

Silly Walks Applicant: Well, ah-ah...

Silly Walks Director: I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg merely does a four dare O'Brian half turn every

alternate step.

Silly Walks Applicant: Yes, but I feel with a federal grant I could make it a lot more silly.

Silly Walks Director: Mr. Stagback, the very real problem is what I find out. You see, there's defense, education, housing,

health, social security, silly walks. They're all supposed to get the same. But last year the government spent less on Silly

Walks than they did on industrial organisation. We're supposed to get 348 millions pounds a year to cover our entire Silly

Walks proposal. Coffee?

Silly Walks Applicant: Yes, please.

Silly Walks Director: Hello, uh, Mrs. Twolumps, uhm, could we have two cups of coffee, please.

Mrs. Twolumps:
Yes, Mr. Teabag.

Silly Walks Director: Mad as a hatter. You see, the Israelis they have a man who can take his own left leg off and swallow it

with every alternate step, whereas the Japanese, cunning electronically obsessed little...

Mrs. Twolumps' tray: [Splash]

Silly Walks Director: Yes, thank you, Mrs. Twolumps. You're...you're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?

Silly Walks Applicant: Right there!

Silly Walks Director: Right, well, take a look at this!

Barrister I:
Ooh, that bit of a morning in the high court!

Barrister II:
Oh, oh!

Barrister I:
Oh, I could stamp my little feet at the way those counsels are carrying on.

Barrister II:
Oh, don't tell me, love.

Barrister I:
Oh, dear, objection here, objection there. And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well!

Barrister II:
Oh, ah.

Barrister I:
Beautiful speaking voice.

Barrister II:
And what a body!

Barrister I:
Oh, yeah

Barrister II:
Oh, yeah. Ooh, ah.

Barrister I:
Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel.

Barrister II:
You what, love?

Barrister I:
I banged me gavel!

Barrister II:
Oh, get away!

Barrister I:
I did!

Barrister II:
Ooh!

Barrister I:
I did my "silence in court" bit.

Barrister II:
Oh.

Barrister I:
If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel would have been in for thirty years.

Barrister II:
Hum-hum!

Barrister I:
How did your summing-up go?

Barrister II:
Uh, well, I did my box voice, you know, "what the jury must understand", and they loved it!

Barrister I:
Ah.

Barrister II:
I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me!

Barrister I:
Really?

Barrister II:
Oh, yeah. Cheating devil. I finished up with, I got really strict: "The actions of these vicious men are a violent

state upon the community and the four pounds of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes!"

Barrister I:
Oh, yeah?

Barrister II:
And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha!

Barrister I:
You waggled you what?

Barrister II:
I waggled me wig!

Barrister I:
Really?

Barrister II:
Ah, the only thing I waggled!

Barrister I:
Ooh...

Barrister II:
Ever so slightly, stood in effect.

Barrister I:
Ooh!

Barrister II:
Anyway, I gave him three years. Merely took ten minutes.

Barrister I:
Ooh...well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know: "You can put it in the hand of your attorneys, but

it'll never stand up in court!"

GRAOOSKRIGARGH:

FULGSKRIGMUCK:

NOWSKRIGGLAR:

[Thus spake Zarathustra op. 30 - Richard Strauss]

WORLD FORUM:

Eric Idle:
Good evening. Tonight on World Forum we are deeply privileged to have with us Karl Marx, the founder of modern

socialism and author of the Communist Manifesto, Vladimir Ilitj Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the

Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern socialism, Che Guevara, the Bolivian guerilla leader, and Mao

Tse-tung, chairman of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949. And the first question is for you, Karl Marx. "The

Hammers." "The Hammers" is the nickname of what English football team? "The Hammers." No? Well, bad luck, Karl. It is,

in fact, West Ham United. Now, Che Guevara. Che... Coventry City last won the English football cup in what year? No? I

can tell no further question. Anybody else? Coventry City last won the English Football Cup in what year? No, I'm not

surprised you didn't get that. It is in fact a trick question. Coventry City have never won the English Football Cup. So now

with the scores all even, it's on to Round 2, and Lenin, you start at the $10. Jerry Lee Lewis has had over 17 major solid gold

hits in the U.S. of A. What's the name of the biggest? Jerry Lee Lewis' solid gold biggie? No?

Mao Tse-tung's buzzer: [Buzz]

Eric Idle:
Yes, Mao Tse-tung?

Mao Tse-tung:
"Great Balls of Fire?"

Eric Idle:
Yes, it was indeed! Very well challenged. Well, now we come on to our third round. Our contestant tonight is Karl

Marx and our special prize is this beautiful lounge suite! Uh, Karl has elected to answer questions on workers' control of

factories, so here we go with question number one. You, nervous, Karl? Just a little. Well, never mind pal, have a go! The

development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development?

Karl Marx:
The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.

Eric Idle:
Good! Yes, it is indeed! Well done, Karl! You're on your way to a lounge suite! Now Karl, number two. The

struggle of class against class is a what struggle?

Karl Marx:
A political struggle.

Eric Idle:
Good! Yes, it is indeed. Well done, Karl! One final question, and that beautiful non-materialistic lounge suite will be

yours! Ready, Karl? You're a brave man. Your final question: Who won the English Football Cup in 1949?

Karl Marx:
Uhuh, the workers' control of means of production? The-the struggle of the urban proletariat?

Eric Idle:
Uh, no, it was Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Lester 3-1.

Karl Marx:
Oh, sh*t!

Eric Idle:
Get out of here! Well, no one leaves this show empty-handed, so we're gonna cut off his hands. Well, now it's talent

spotting time, ladies and gentlemen, and please see if you can spot any talent in our next competitors? Will you please give a

very big hand and a warm welcome to Carl Weetabix and Rita!

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