Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl Page #4

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Carl Weetabix :

I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I've got speed, I've got everything I need

I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I couldn't fly, I'm a supersonic guy

I don't need pleasure, I don't feel pain, if you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again

I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I'm making out, I'm all about

I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face

My natural exuberance spills out all over the place

I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I'm intelligent and clean, know what I mean

I'm the urban spaceman, as you lovers second to none, it's a lot of fun

I never let my friends down, I could have made a boop

I'm a glossy magazine, an advert on the tube

I'm the urban spaceman, baby, here comes the twist

I don't exist

WHIZZO:

Constable:
Mr. Hilton?

Mr. Hilton:
Ah, yes.

Constable:
You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?

Mr. Hilton:
I am.

Constable:
Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad...

Mr. Hilton:
Oh, yes.

Constable:
...and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled "The Whizzo Quality Assortment."

Mr. Hilton:
Ah, good, yes.

Constable:
If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't

prosecute you for that!

Mr. Hilton:
Agreed.

Constable:
Next we have number four, "Crunchy Frog."

Mr. Hilton:
Ah, yes.

Constable:
Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?

Mr. Hilton:
Yes, a little one.

Constable:
Is it cooked?

Mr. Hilton:
No.

Constable:
What? A raw frog?

Mr. Hilton:
We use only the finest baby frogs, due picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water,

lightly killed, and sealed in a ---- treble milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose!

Constable:
That's as maybe, but it's still a frog!

Mr. Hilton:
What else would it be?

Constable:
What! Don't even take the bones out?

Mr. Hilton:
If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

Constable:
Constable Parrot ate one of those!

Constable Parrot: Would you excuse me for a moment, sir?

Constable:
Yes.

Mr. Hilton:
Well, it says "Crunchy Frog" quite clearly.

Constable:
They'll never mind that. We have to protect the public. People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate.

The superintendent thought it was ----. They're bound to think it's some sort of mock frog.

Mr. Hilton:
Mock frog?! We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!

Constable:
Nevertheless, I advise you to in future change the words "Crunchy Frog" with the legend "Crunchy, raw, unboned,

real, dead frog" if you want to avoid prosecution.

Mr. Hilton:
What about our sales?

Constable:
I don't give a damn about your sales. We have to protect the public! Now, what was this one? Number five. It was

number five, wasn't it? Number five: "Ram's Bladder Cup!" Now what kind of confection is this?

Mr. Hilton:
We use choice ---- juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds,

whipped into a fondue, and garnished with larks' vomit!

Constable:
Larks' vomit?

Mr. Hilton:
Correct.

Constable:
It doesn't say anything down here about larks' vomit!

Mr. Hilton:
Ah, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.

Constable:
I hardly think this is good enough! It would be more appropriate if the box bore a big red label. "Warning: Larks'

Vomit!"

Mr. Hilton:
Our sales would plummet!

Constable:
Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream, a very

popular flavor I'm met to understand, or Strawberry Delight? I mean, what's this one? "Cockroach Cluster?" And this,

"Anthrax Ripple?"

Constable Parrot: [Vomit]

Constable:
And what's this one, "Spring Surprise?"

Mr. Hilton:
Aaah, that's our speciality! Covered in darkest, dowdy, smooth chocolate, when you pop it in your mouth,

stainless steel bolts sprint out and punch straight through both cheeks!

Constable:
If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced! In any case, it is an

inadequate description of the sweet in it! I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

Mr. Hilton:
It's a fair cop.

Constable:
And don't talk to the audience!

WHIZZO:

INTERMISSION:

Albatross Woman:
Albatross! Albatross! Albatross! You're not supposed to be smoking that! Albatross! Don't take them!

American:
What flavor is it? What flavor is it?

Albatross Woman:
Seagullsickle! Pelican-bonbon! Albatross!

Man with hat:
Could I have... Could I have two icecreams, please?

Albatross Woman:
I haven't got any icecreams, I just got this albatross!

Man with hat:
Uh...

Albatross Woman:
Albatross!

Man with hat:
Uh, what flavor is it?

Albatross Woman:
Well, it is an albatross, isn't it? There's no bloody flavor! Albatross!

Man with hat:
There's gotta be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor...

Albatross Woman:
All right, all right! It's bloody albatross flavor! Bleedin' seabird, bleedin' flavor! Albatross!

Man with hat:
Do you get wafers with it?

Albatross Woman:
Of course you don't have f***ing wafers with it, you c*nt! It's a f***ing albatross, I mean...

Graham Chapman:
Stop that! Stop that! It's filthy! Hold on! Right now, we need you! The one in the black, we need you for

another skit on stage. And you, get off! You're not even a proper woman!

Albatross Woman:
Don't you oppress me, mate!

Graham Chapman:
What are you trying to do? Avoid registration or something?

Albatross Woman:
Bleedin' sexist!

Graham Chapman:
Come on, we need you for a skit! No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps for my wife

and some of her friends. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do,

but that's beside the point. Right! Let's get on with this skit! Where's the other person for this skit? Right, you want to sit in

that chair? And...cue...the...skit!

Man:
Evening, squire!

Man with hat:
Good evening.

Man:
Is your...is your wife a goer? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no

more!

Man with hat:
I-I...I beg your pardon?

Man:
Your...your wife. Does she go,eh? Does she go, eh? Eh?

Man with hat:
Huh, sometimes she has to go, yes.

Man:
I bet she does! I bet she does! Say no more! Say no more! Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge!

Man with hat:
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you...

Man:
Oh, "follow me, follow me"? That's good, that's very good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Man with hat:
Are...are you selling something?

Man:
"Selling, selling"...very good indeed! You're wicked, you are, eh? Wicked, eh? Ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Wicked! Say no more!

Man with hat:
Huhuh?

Man:
Whoa! So your wife's interested in...in sport? Eh?

Man with hat:
Ah, she likes sport, yes.

Man:
I bet she does! I bet she does!

Man with hat:
As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket.

Man:
She likes "games", eh? Likes "games"? Knew she would, she's been around a bit, eh? She's been around?

Man with hat:
Well, she has travelled, yes. She's from Glendale.

Man:
Say no more! Glendale, squire? Say no more! Say no more! Say no more! Say no more!

Man with hat:
Well...

Man:
Whoa! Is your...is your Glendale wife interested in...photography? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Man with hat:
Photography?

Man:
"Photographs, eh?" he asked him knowingly!

Man with hat:
Photography?

Man:
Snap, snap, grin, grin, wing, wing, nudge, nudge, say no more!

Man with hat:
Sort of...holiday snaps, eh?

Man:
They could be, they could be taken on holiday, you know! Swimming costumes, candid...you know, "candid"

photography?

Man with hat:
No, we don't have a camera!

Man:
Ah. Still, whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaahaha! Huhuh!

Man with hat:
Look, are you insinuating something?

Man:
Oh, no, no, no...yes!

Man with hat:
Well?

Man:
Why, I mean, you're a man of the world, squire, you know...you're...you've been around, you know?

Man with hat:
What do you mean?

Man:
Well, I mean, like, you've...you know, you...like...you've done it, you know...you've slept...with a lady?

Man with hat:
Yes.

Man:
What's it like?

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