Moscow On The Hudson Page #4

Time to work on the stomach again.

We'll begin with abdominal warm-ups.

Remember how to do this one?

You inhale and keep it nice and firm.

First we do lower back-drops.

- Good morning, Vlad. How you doing?

- Good. I feel fine.

I wish to be useful.

How may I help you?

You can do the shopping.

I have an appointment

at the Human Resources Administration.

- The unemployment office.

- Lucia has something going for you.

She's got an ass on her.

I like, last night, musicians much.

Excellent saxophones.

You ever hear of the "Bird"?

- The great Charlie Parker?

- He was a wailing ass.

That boy could blow.

Excuse me, Grandpa,

why you call Charlie Parker "boy"?

What should I call him? "Rhinoceros"?

- How's the coffee coming?

- We're out of coffee.

- We'd have coffee if you'd get off your butt.

- Don't talk to me like that.

- I'll work when I can find something.

- You could've delivered telephone books.

Bullshit! Deliver books!

I got a college education.

We know you got a college education.

You told us a million times!

You're just like your mother.

Just like your mother.

Leave my mother out of this.

She's more of a man than you'll ever be.

I go shopping. I must to pay. Please.

Coffee?

Aisle 2.

- Coffee line, please?

- Aisle 2. No line, though.

"Taster's Choice...

"...decaffeinated...

"...Maxwell House, El Pico...

"...Chock Full O'Nuts, espresso...

"...cappuccino, Caf Franais...

"...Sanka, Folger's...

"...Caf Caribe."

Coffee. Coffee! Coffee!

Mr. Ivanoff, don't worry.

You're merely suffering

some hyperventilation.

Don't be alarmed. You are among friends.

You should have seen yours truly

when I first came from Bombay.

I was very nervous.

Look at these girls. They know, too.

I am feeling better.

- You're something of a celebrity.

- I'm his lawyer, Orlando Ramirez.

Everybody was worried about you.

My wife thought you'd been kidnapped

by the KGB.

I'm sorry.

I have wonderful news for you.

- I've made some calls to find you a job.

- I take it.

- Nothing fancy, my friend.

- I take it.

When you speak English,

does your mouth hurt?

My mouth is fine. My brain hurts.

When I speak English,

my lips and tongue hurt.

- I wish they would stop playing this music.

- I wish only to play music.

- You'll get your chance.

- So will you.

Do you know how difficult it is

to get a job in celestial mechanics...

...and astrophysics?

Boy, you speak English well.

In a couple of minutes,

we will take a break.

Maybe we pick up cheeseburger,

side of fries, and Coca-Cola.

"Dearest parents, dear Sasha,

and beloved Grandfather:

"I don't know if you'll ever receive

this letter...

"...but I will write to you every week.

"I am sorry to cause you pain,

but I acted out of real need.

"America is strange and wonderful.

"I live with a nice black family.

"My Cuban lawyer helps me also

to find sales job."

Okay, mister. Aqu, amigo. Bueno buy.

Two for $1.00. Okay, mister!

"I am learning to read and write English

in night school.

"Also, I have nice Italian girl

who likes American sports."

Johnson at bat for the Blue Jays.

Rawley sets.

Here's the pitch. A ground ball to third!

Nettles scoops it up, throws to Randolph.

Randolph to first.

Double play! What a play!

I don't believe this! It's incredible.

What does he need that Madison Avenue

preppy junk for?

- This will make your feet sing.

- They're very popular.

Madison Avenue

is where the money is being made.

- People make judgment from the shoes.

- What do you know? You're a foreigner.

While your ancestors were beating drums

in Africa and chasing animals barefoot...

...my people were giving

the world Michelangelo.

- We invented style.

- You ever been to Little Italy?

All I see is plastic fruit

and fat guys in tiny hats.

- I like those, please.

- Those? Keep looking.

No, I take those.

"Yesterday, I bought my first pair

of American shoes.

"They were made in Italy."

Mustard? You got it.

"Today I opened my own restaurant

and I'm starting to make big bucks.

"I miss you very much. Love, Volya."

The best. Excuse me.

FBI?

FBI? No.

KGB?

No.

G-A-Y.

Gay?

Oh, no. No.

Sorry. You have a nice face.

I thought we had a moment back there.

I hope it didn't upset you.

No. It's okay, mister.

Thank you. Good luck.

"Dear Tolya:
I have a new saxophone...

"...but I still don't have work as a musician.

"I have many other jobs, though."

Two Big Macs,

one Quarter Pounder with cheese...

...six pieces Chicken McNuggets,

two boxes Ronald McDonald cookies...

...one order McFries,

two chocolate milk shakes.

Is that to go?

No, I eat it here.

Come back Mc-soon.

"I am now driving a taxi part-time."

Sunday I got a date with Lucia.

I knew it! I knew there was something

going on between you and her.

No, nothing going on.

I'm still virgin in New York City.

There ain't no crime in sex.

You're too shy.

- She digs you, man. I know she does.

- You think so?

You're probably the only man

in New York without herpes.

"I have met some members

of Russian community.

"Some of them are painters,

sculptors, writers, photographers.

"They all have made adjustments

to life in America.

"To tell you the truth, dear Tolya,

they still despair, and so do I.

"And, dear friend,

I wish you joy for all your days.

"Kiss the bears and the ponies.

"Perhaps, some day, I will see you again.

Volya."

I like it.

It's very nice.

Not much furniture.

You bought the blender we had on sale.

What do you make with it?

Nothing. I don't blend anything.

You miss Russia, don't you?

Sure. Sometime. You want some vodka?

I'd love some.

You like music?

I love also music.

That's a nice tape deck.

I buy it from friend of Lionel's

from back of truck. A ghetto blaster.

It's a good thing

you found Lionel in your life.

This tape I bring from Russia.

It is great Wild Bill Hawthorn,

black saxophonist.

I tape from Radio Free Europe.

It's nice music.

Would you like to dance?

Why not?

You miss Italy?

No, I don't miss Italy at all.

I miss my family. My brothers, my sisters.

When I make it big, I'll bring them all here.

They'll love it.

Now, my mother's a very nice lady...

...but she's into that black dress for life,

so she better stay there.

When I go back to Brooklyn...

...and the Russian stores...

...the smells remind me of home.

And I know I can't go back,

but at least you can go back.

No, I don't want to go back.

I want to stay here. I'm very good here.

You smell very good.

It's Charlie.

- No, it's not perfume.

- Yes, it is.

It's you.

I really like you.

Likewise.

But I am...

- You have boyfriend?

- No.

I am a free woman.

I don't like to get involved.

Me, too.

What I mean is

that if I stay here with you tonight...

...I don't want you to think

anything special about it.

To exaggerate what it is. You understand?

Yes.

I assure you as former citizen

of the Soviet Socialist Republic...

...I make no moral thought about sex.

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