Movie 43 Page #2

- OK.

- I'm sorry about this. OK.

- ANGIE:
Get in close.

Beth, I'm gonna need you to hold still.

Oh, God, they look so...

Get down.

Get your face down next to hers.

- Come on!

- Take it. Take it.

- Take it, take it, take it, take it.

- OK.

So good! Now why don't you

give each other a little kiss?

Oh, come on, Angie. We just met.

- Let them eat!

- Come on!

- Let the man eat.

- Just a little kiss.

All right, all right.

We'll do one, one kiss.

- One peck on the forehead. Ready?

- We don't need to.

We really don't.

We don't need to at all.

We really... (YELLS)

Oh, God.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

But... I'm not married

to anything here, Griffin.

I'm open to notes.

Well, I thought you said you wanted

to make a smart movie with heart.

When?

When you walked in.

OK. Go on.

This isn't that.

And Kate Winslet isn't

going to make a movie

with a guy who's got

balls hanging off of his chin.

(SCOFFS) Well, not with

that kind of thinking, no.

Look, the movie is witty,

it's clever and it's smart.

And this really did happen

to a friend of mine.

You friend has neck "scroti"?

No, no, no. Of course not.

Look, the neck balls,

they're just a metaphor

for the flaws

that people create in others

so they don't have to take

a chance on life and on love!

You're not getting this, are you?

No, no. Yeah, I...

Yeah, I got that. I just...

You know, there might be

a more subtle way to express it, maybe.

OK. It's just the beginning anyway.

And then the movie

settles back into that

classic comedy of manners,

with heart

that I've been describing.

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN 1:
It's roast Sumatra.

I grind the beans myself.

MAN 2:
Hey, thanks again for dinner.

You really didn't have to do this.

MAN 1:
No, please.

What kind of neighbors would we be

if we didn't have you over

for a welcome dinner.

Sean, Samantha was just saying

that they homeschool their son.

Oh, that is interesting.

Well, we just think it's the only way

to make sure that he gets

the best education possible.

You should really

consider it for your kids.

DAD:
Hey, you know, Kevin's

upstairs, doing his homework right now,

I'm sure he'd love to talk

to you guys about it.

Wait. So you homeschool your son,

but he still gets homework?

(LAUGHING)

It's very important to us

that Kevin has a normal

and complete high school experience.

Written assignments

are to be done in black ink,

not green or blue or pink.

When are you going to get that

through your thick skull, Mr. Morris?

It's Miller.

That's a detention.

- (WHISTLE TRILLING)

- Move, move, move, move, move!

Pick it up! Pick it up.

Come on, girlfriend, pick your knees up.

Oh, I see.

But don't you ever feel like

maybe he's, I don't know, missing out?

Yeah. High school's about more

than just classes and homework.

Absolutely.

There's the alienation, the Ioneliness.

It should be the unhappiest time

in a boy's life.

That's why we try to make sure

that Kevin doesn't miss out

on any of those essential,

emotionally scarring experiences

that he'd get at a regular school.

SAMANTHA:
Fag.

(COUGHS) F*ggot.

You dropped your books, F***-face.

(WATER RUNNING)

Jeez... Dad, what the f***?

Whoa, you've got weird pubes.

Hey, guys! Come check out

this kid's weird pubes.

Still, it must be an awful lot

of work for you guys, though.

Oh, sure there is, but we love it.

DAD:
I think we've put together

a pretty comprehensive plan

that provides Kevin with every

important adolescent experience.

- You know, socializing with other kids.

- (RAP SONG PLAYS)

(LIVELY CHATTER)

Hey. Kevin, right?

Can I please come in?

Look, Debbie Clark's here,

the girl you asked out before.

It's gonna be awkward.

- Sorry, no. Sorry...

- Wait, Mom. Please, no, wait...

GIRL:
Hey, Mrs. Miller!

Extracurricular activities.

DAD:
What do you do?

- I suck.

- What do you suck?

- D*cks.

- Louder!

I suck d*cks! I suck d*cks!

Like you mean it!

I suck d*cks! I suck d*cks!

I suck them all the time!

If you were a superhero,

what would your superpower be?

My superpower would be sucking d*cks!

Dude, you have so much poop

on you right now.

And, of course, the first kiss,

that should be the most

awkward moment in any boy's life.

(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYS)

Emily and Kara

said we should go all the way.

What do you think?

Um...

- Do you have protection?

- Um...

So, dude.

Don't tell Jeff

or any of those guys, but...

I just wanted to say that...

(SIGHING)

...if I did like guys...

...you'd totally be

the kind of guy that I'd like.

This is weird.

I didn't mean any of that.

Just talking, you know?

- Wow.

- (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

I don't think I'll ever forget

the first time Kevin told us

that he wished he'd never been born.

He was only 12.

DAD:
Precocious kid.

Studies show that the average child

doesn't express

that kind of self-Ioathing

until they're 1 5.

Yeah, I bet.

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

Oh, here he comes.

- Hey, honey. Meet the neighbors.

- Hi.

DAD:
Kevin, this is Sean and Clare.

They moved into the house

three doors down.

Oh, the Yeager's old place.

Great, yeah.

I'm Kevin, pleased to meet you.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

- Nice to meet you too.

- Thank you. That's so polite.

I'm heading out. A bunch of us

are gonna meet up at the Green.

- DAD:
Ooh, the Green.

- And, yes, I finished my homework.

And Jen and I are gonna catch a movie

afterwards, so I won't be home until late.

Oh, that's fine.

Just make sure you say hello from us.

Um, Jen, my mom says hi.

- Hello, Jen.

- (HIGH VOICE) Hello, Mrs. Miller.

I'm the pretty girl.

She is.

- DAD:
You guys have fun tonight.

- All right.

- Nice meeting you.

- DAD:
So, who wants cake?

(ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL

MUSIC PLAYS)

- Hi.

- There.

- Oh, wow.

- Now it's a picnic.

Would you care

for a chocolate covered strawberry?

Oh, my gosh. Sweetie!

Talk about romantic. This is perfect.

Julie, we've been together for over a year.

- Sixteen months and two weeks.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

And, in that time, I've come to realize

that you mean everything to me.

Oh... Doug, you too.

And... there's something I want to ask you.

There's something I'd like to ask you.

Oh, OK. Uh, you go first.

- No, you go first.

- No, you first.

No, you first.

How about we say it

at the same time?

OK.

(TOGETHER) One, two...

Will you poop on me?

What?

Will you poop on me?

(CHUCKLES) What are you?

Wait. What did you say?

I trust you.

I feel like you're my soul mate.

I want to give you this gift.

I want you to be my first.

To... poop?

On me.

What? You don't want to?

- No, I mean...

- Are you not attracted to me anymore?

Of course I'm attracted to you, honey.

So will you?

Poop on me?

(MEDIUM-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, man. You just hit

the f***ing lottery, man.

You don't think it's a little weird,

for wanting him to sh*t on her?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, man.

Have some respect for this guy. OK?

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