Movie 43 Page #3

She did not ask him to sh*t on her.

Shitting is something you do on a whore.

- Right.

- Right?

Pooping is a gift you give

to your soul mate.

- OK.

- Of course!

- DOUG:
I never looked at it like that.

- Tell me, man. What's on the menu?

- Before you do the big deed.

- I don't know. Does it f***ing matter?

- Is she a vegetarian?

- No.

Boom! Big, beef burrito

with extra beans on that bad boy.

Put some salsa,

some guacamole for color,

so when it come out of you,

it's a festival.

You know what I'm saying?

You went the extra yard for your lady.

- I don't know...

- You hear me?

I'm doing something classy, OK?

I'm doing seared ahi tuna steaks,

a salad and red wine.

- Nice.

- No, no, no, no.

F***ing no! It's not about

how fancy it goes in,

it's about how fancy it comes out.

And, believe me,

Mexican food makes a f***ing mess.

Don't mess with f***ing salads.

You know what salad does?

It locks down your bowels.

You don't want your bowels

all locked down, do you?

No. Drinks are cool.

Have a few f***ing drinks.

- Makes you last longer.

- Last longer?

You don't want to be Mr. Two Squeeze

Thank You Please, right?

- You really don't want to be that.

- Billy. Goddamn, Billy.

Why don't you go over there

while grown people are talking over here.

Go over there and play

with your GI Joe or some sh*t, man.

- Yeah, I'll go over there.

- Look it.

Take my advice on this one.

You go out tonight

and you sh*t on a few skanks.

- OK?

- Yes.

To get it all out your system.

F***ing tomorrow,

you are a one-poop man.

Understand?

- What the f*** is this?

- Viagra, brother.

- Poop Viagra. Yeah.

- You just carry that on you?

- Yeah, I carry this sh*t around on me.

- At barbecues?

You goddamn right.

I got a meat problem.

I eat f***ing meat,

I gotta clean that sh*t out.

- OK?

- Fine...

(FARTING)

- JULIE:
I'm ready, sweetie.

- Oh, f***.

(MUFFLED) In a minute!

- (GRUNTING)

- (BOWELS GURGLING)

I love her. Hey, I love her.

- (FARTING)

- Oh!

- Hey, hey.

- (CHUCKLES)

Oh... (GRUNTS)

- You look nice.

- Thank you.

- OK, let's go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Honey. What are you doing?

- Huh?

What am I doing? You know what

I'm doing. I'm trying to, you know...

Not yet. Tiger.

- I want to savor this.

- Well, I kind of gotta go...

- (BOWELS RUMBLE)

- Shh... No, no, no.

Come here. Come here and kiss me.

And then you can give me

your special present.

- (BOWELS RUMBLE)

- Oh...

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Tell me how much you love me.

- Oh, I love you so much.

How much?

Oh, I love you so much I'd kill me.

Can we do this, please?

- (CHUCKLES) OK.

- (FARTS)

I've got this

special lavender lotion.

- OK.

- Why don't you get my neck ready?

- You want it on your neck?

- Why? Does that not work for you?

That's fine, that's fine. Here we go.

(GIGGLES)

(FARTING)

- That's nice.

- OK.

OK. Here we go.

- Let's...

- No! No, not yet.

What?

- No!

- What?

- Come here.

- What?

- You're so excited.

- I know. I can't stand it.

(BOWELS RUMBLE)

Gosh. Remember the day that we met?

Yes.

Did you ever think that, someday,

you'd be able to... you know?

Honestly, no. No, I didn't.

Do you remember

what I was wearing that day?

- (GROANING)

- (BOWELS RUMBLING)

Baby, what was I wearing?

- Do you remember what I was wearing?

- A yellow sundress.

Come on! Roll over

and let me sh*t on you, please!

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, poop on you.

I meant poop on you.

Honey, I would never sh*t on you.

I would never sh*t on you. Honey!

Come here, I love you! F***!

No...

Julie, come back!

Oh, baby, please.

I love you, I wanna marry you.

- (HORN HONKING)

- (TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, my God, Doug, no!

Oh! Jeez!

- (JULIE GASPING)

- (FARTING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Doug, Doug.

Call a f***ing ambulance!

- I'm on it!

- Hold on. Hold on, baby.

OK, hold on.

You're gonna make it.

(BOWELS GURGLE)

- Julie, I love you.

- I love you.

All of this was for me?

(FARTS)

Yeah, I guess so.

It's so beautiful.

It's the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen, Doug.

Meeting's over.

Where did I lose you, Griffin?

Everywhere.

You lost me everywhere.

It's not... It's obscene.

It's offensive.

Wow. I mean, tell me

how you really feel.

I mean, I know that my film,

it pushes the edge of the envelope,

and that this was a long shot

and everything, but I really do love

- the way you guys market movies...

- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

...so I thought I'd take a crack at ya,

a crack at you, specifically, Griffin,

before I go to the other studios.

But... anyway, it didn't work out.

But thank you for hearing me out,

my friend.

Maybe I'll be seeing you

someday over at Chasen's.

I'll make sure Gigi gets us

a corner booth, OK?

Chasen's been closed for 20 years.

Yeah, I know that. I know that.

I was talking about the new one

that they're building

over off La Cienega.

Please buy this.

Huh?

This may surprise you,

but I haven't worked in years.

I don't have another

meeting in another studio,

and I've never bought cheese

with Isabella Rossellini.

Uh... Can I go now, mister?

Yeah, scoot. Go back to your street

corner and play your harpy thing.

You said you'd pay me $40.

- I'll mail it to you.

- You don't even have my address.

Just leave it with Danita, out there.

How the hell did you get

in my office in the first place?

We met. At that premiere, remember?

And you said drop by anytime.

That's bullshit.

I've never met you in my life.

How did you get on the lot?

I sucked off the security guard.

What do you mean?

I'm not being cryptic here, Griffin.

I... blew the security guard.

Jerry's gay?

Well, not really.

He fought me every step of the way.

I'm calling the police.

Hey. You call anybody,

and I will shoot you

in the heart and kill you.

Now, do you want to hear

the rest of my pitch?

Yes.

Cool!

Well, then... sit down.

Relax.

Get comfy.

'Cause this one...

it's for the whole family.

MAN (ON PA):

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in Sassy Lass magazine

for killer deals

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We're now offering a buy one,

get one senior prom special

on lambskin condoms and boxed wine.

And don't forget our deadbeat dad

discount on all disposable cameras

and wiffle ball bats.

Got a dry, itchy vag?

Today we are offering

a two-for-one deal on beav lotion.

That's lotion for your beav

by Moisture Made, ladies.

Now on sale on aisle four.

Be sure to check out...

- Neil.

- Veronica.

Neil, you look pale.

NEIL (OVER INTERCOM):

You look pregnant.

You look like you slept

in a soup kitchen urinal.

You look like you bathed in a dumpster

behind the abortion clinic.

You look like the kid

who got cancer for Christmas.

You look like the slutty one

on the Golden Girls.

- Dorothy?

- Blanche.

You take that back. (ECHOING)

You son of a b*tch, you take it back!

You take that back!

I wanna taste you.

I wanna lick you till you weep.

- How's your acid reflux?

- How's your HPV?

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