Mr. & Mrs. Smith Page #3

Mother and I were always suspicious.

Your forehead slants back too much.

- Let me say...

- Don't touch me.

- But, Annie, l...

- Get out of here.

Go on, you're not staying here.

We can't leave the bedroom

till we've made up.

- You're not in the bedroom. Get out!

- Listen to me.

I know you for what you are.

I'm lucky I found you out.

- You're going out of here.

- My clothes!

Never come back.

I never want to see you again

as long as I live.

What are you doing?

- Good evening, Mr. Smith.

- Good evening, Thomas.

Have you a room

for a member who pays his dues?

I'm sure we have.

Quite a novelty seeing you, sir.

Don't remember you spending a night here

in three years.

Here you are, sir.

Look out.

- Are you hurt?

- Hello, Smith.

Chuck Benson. Don't you remember me?

We played in a foursome

in last year's golf tournament.

- Yeah. How are you?

- Fine, how are you?

I've got kind of a little crick in my neck...

and I thought this might work it out.

I had a fight with my wife, too.

It wasn't exactly a fight.

You know what I can't understand?

Whenever people fight,

the woman always goes to her mother.

But when my wife and I have a fight,

I have to get out of the house.

How do you get back?

Simplest thing in the world. Ignore it.

Ignore the whole thing.

The next day, they're dying to see you.

Take it from me, brother.

I've had experience.

You're right.

Just go to the office, don't even telephone.

She worries, why don't I come back?

And when I do get back, why...

Thank you, Joe.

- What can I do for you?

- What can you do for me?

- What's this?

- A chain to keep people out.

Open it up.

- Miss Krausheimer's not at home.

- I'm going to come in and wait.

Open that up or I'll fire you.

You're not firing me.

I was the midwife when she was born.

I know how you've been acting

towards her...

and all I can say of what she's done

is it's about time.

What about my pen?

Thank you for a wonderful evening.

- I'll take you upstairs.

- No. That's quite all right, Mr. Flugle.

- I had a wonderful time.

- I did, too, Miss Krausheimer.

Good night. No, Mr. Flugle.

- They can't rule you out for trying.

- That's right. Good night.

Better luck next time. Good night.

Open that door. I know you're in there.

This is ridiculous. I saw you

with that old goat. Open that door.

I'm not going to stand for this.

There's your pen.

Annie, you open that door.

When they come back a second night,

things are bad.

Go on.

- Now...

- Now what?

Are you going to stop this silly farce?

I've got a lot of work piled up for me

at the office.

I've been through a 3-day session

of this nonsense...

and I haven't any more time

for these games of yours.

Come home now,

and I'm willing not to discuss it anymore.

Very generous.

Who do you think you're talking to?

- My wife.

- We're not married.

Are you out of your mind?

Certainly we're married.

What do you mean, after three years,

we're not married?

- Legally, we're not married.

- All right, we'll get married.

- Does that satisfy you?

- "We'll get married."

That's a nice, snarly proposal.

It was hard enough getting me to

marry you before, and I didn't know you.

But I do now. And how I know you.

And if anyone asks, you're no bargain.

What's the matter with me?

I don't want this discussion

to run into hours. I'm very busy.

Name one thing about me you don't like.

One thing? My, aren't we vain.

One thing I am not is vain.

What about that tar stuff

you rub in your hair...

that smells up my whole bedroom?

I am only trying to save my hair for you.

And you're a fine one to talk...

going to bed with those aluminum clips

in your hair.

You turned over one night

and cut me in 20 places.

You needn't worry.

You won't be cut anymore.

I'm not gonna stand any more of this,

and that's my final word.

Nice to have met you.

I won't support you.

What do you think of that?

Fine.

No. I mean it.

You're not gonna get any more money.

Who asked you?

I want you to know

that I'm doing this reluctantly.

Suits me. Keep the change.

You're not being very practical.

How do you think you're going to live?

I said, how do you think

you're going to live?

- Good morning.

- Where are you going, bud?

- Are you looking for something?

- Yes.

- Can I help you?

- Yes, you take this aisle here...

No. I'll find it myself.

I might be able to save you trouble.

I know the merchandise well.

No. I'd just rather run across it myself.

- Something in ladies' lingerie?

- Yes, something in ladies' lingerie.

Don't tell me. It's a game I'm playing.

That's perfectly all right.

I see you. You might as well come up.

- Anything I can do for you, sir?

- Are you crazy?

Please do me a favor and come home.

I'm supposed to be in court this morning.

You have the wrong department.

We have nothing here for you.

Will you come peacefully,

or will I have to carry you?

The most wonderful feature of these,

you don't have to launder them.

- You merely throw them away.

- That suits me.

No! Leave me!

What are you doing to the customer?

I'm not doing anything.

Look who's got who.

Release our sales clerk.

Do you want to try

and make me release her?

If you're not pleased with this clerk,

I'll get you another.

I'm pleased with her, but she's no clerk.

She's my wife.

- I am not.

- We understood you were a single woman.

As an aid to the unemployment crisis,

we do not employ married women.

- And quite right, too.

- I'm not married.

She's married all right.

- We have to go to the head of the firm.

- Take me to him.

- Let's all go.

- This way, please.

This gentleman claims he's married

to Miss Krausheimer.

- We're not married.

- We're married, all right.

You understand it is not our policy

to employ married women?

I told her that.

- I tell you, we are not married.

- She's married.

- Where did you meet this monkey?

- Sylvia introduced me.

That's the last time

I want you to talk to Sylvia.

- I never liked her.

- I tell you, I'm a single girl.

She is not, you old goat.

What do you mean

by taking out innocent girls...

the night before you give them a job?

- I'm not innocent.

- She admits it. She's my wife.

- I didn't admit anything.

- Are you referring to me as an old goat?

- Sit down.

- Store detectives.

Yes. I'll get the store detectives.

Are you satisfied now?

I have an appointment at the office.

Will you make up with me?

No. I'm not going

to make up with you ever.

For heaven's sake,

what's the matter with you?

I said that if I had to do it all over again,

I wouldn't marry you.

Now I can do it all over again,

and I want to come back.

Doesn't that convince you

I want to stay married to you?

I believe you, and I'm very flattered,

but I don't want to marry you.

- I'm not interested.

- What's the matter with me?

I don't like your temper. You're jealous.

You're always knocking people down.

If you're referring to New Year's Eve...

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