Mr. & Mrs. Smith Page #6

in my position and try something.

No matter how faint,

it would still be something.

And look how wonderfully you're acting.

Thank you.

The very first time I went out with David,

he ruined a brand new $85 dress I had.

He was just awful. Didn't change

the whole first year we were married.

I used to think

maybe it was the things he ate.

I tried changing his diet around

and everything.

Thank you.

I had a wonderful evening.

I'm going to leave you now.

You cover up warm in bed

and get a good night's sleep.

You'll feel much better in the morning.

I intend taking you home, Ann.

- Absolutely not, Jeff.

- Thank you.

- Good night.

- Good night.

You're probably dying to kiss me,

and haven't got the nerve.

- That's true.

- You may.

I have a cold.

That's very considerate.

Thank you.

That's another difference

between you and David.

Colds never stopped him.

He had the measles once.

How I didn't get the measles

I'll never know.

Good night, Jeff.

Good night, Ann.

Here we go again.

I hope she's not going to visit her mother

out on Long Island again.

- I don't think so.

- My wife don't like me to do this.

This is like driving private.

I don't get any freedom.

- You're getting paid, aren't you?

- You owe me some more money.

- I gave you $20 day before yesterday.

- You used that up two days ago.

I'll pay you later. Don't lose her.

How did you ever become

a private detective anyway?

My whole family are private detectives.

This must be costing her husband

a pile of dough.

- You want to hear my opinion?

- What?

You ain't gonna catch her at anything.

She's pretty foxy.

I don't know.

- You know what we ought to do?

- What?

Let's go to a burlesque show.

This dame ain't gonna

do nothing this afternoon.

- In the afternoons is when you catch them.

- No kidding?

- That's funny.

- What is?

Where does my wife go every afternoon?

Look, she's going to visit me.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Someone's waiting for you.

- That's perfectly all right.

Mr. Smith, it's about time.

- How do you do, Mister...

- You've even forgotten my name.

I'm a client of yours.

I paid you a $1,000 retainer fee

to sue my brother-in-law.

- My name is Conway.

- Yes, of course, Mr. Conway.

Won't you sit down?

I made up my mind I was going to see you

if it took me all week.

- And it has. Where were you?

- Relax, Mr. Connolley.

We've got your brother-in-law

right where we want him.

If you'll lie down, I'll get the files.

My name is Conway.

I've been sleeping here so much,

I can't sleep at home.

- Where's my wife?

- She's in Mr. Custer's office.

Mr. Custer's parents surprised him.

The truth is, we're going to Lake Placid.

We always talked about a vacation

in the snow, now we're going to do it.

But we didn't know there'd be nearly

two hours between trains.

Is there no chance

that you two can join us?

- They're all in there?

- Yes.

What about Mr. Conway?

Hello, Jeff.

Excuse me.

About poor old Conway...

his brother-in-law has him where it hurts.

I've been thinking about it a great deal.

- Why, you're David Smith.

- Jefferson's partner.

David Smith. My parents.

How do you do, sir? I'm glad to see you.

The pleasure is all mine.

We know so much about you.

Jefferson's written and written.

You're like one of the family.

This is Mr. Smith. Miss Ann Krausheimer.

- We met some time ago.

- We know each other very well.

You've probably seen a great deal of her.

Yes, I have. A great deal.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Sit right down, boy.

We'll all get acquainted at once.

Mother and I have just met Miss Ann...

and we find out now

they're both mighty sweet on each other.

David probably knows it better

than we do, don't you?

Yes, if it hadn't been for me,

they'd never have gotten together.

- That's so romantic.

- Any of your family from the South?

No, not exactly...

but I had a relative in the Civil War

who didn't fight at all. He was a slacker.

A great many Northerners saw it that way,

and I give them credit.

- You know what I was thinking?

- What, Mrs. Custer?

If two people wanted to go on honeymoon,

they could take the boat to New Orleans...

and motor right up through the South

to our home.

- A boat's a wonderful place for two people.

- That wouldn't be very good... Excuse me.

That wouldn't be good for Ann.

She was very sick

when we took the night boat to Albany.

She's not a very good sailor.

I can give you some good practical

advice on that, too.

Whenever she gets on a boat,

don't let her have anything to eat.

Put her to bed,

put a hot-water bottle on her stomach...

and hold it there,

no matter how she hollers.

It settles her stomach.

He considers himself

quite a medical authority.

Yes.

How do you like New York?

Fine. It's so big, though,

with everybody rushing around.

That's rather deceiving.

We're really one big happy family here.

There are a thousand and one little things

that go on underneath the surface...

That reminds me. What about my laundry?

I haven't any more shorts.

Ann kind of took care of his things

around the house.

Little household things.

One of the best housekeepers

you ever saw.

I suppose you're wondering about us.

It's quite simple.

I've known Ann for a long time

and wanted to marry her.

Still do, as a matter of fact,

but, well, fortunes of war.

- I see.

- Let me tell you something.

I know of no finer compliment

I could pay to any girl than to say this:

When a man's been sitting

across the breakfast table...

from the same woman

for three solid years...

and still wants to marry her,

she's quite a girl.

Jeff, may I see you in private, please?

Come, Mother.

- Excuse us, please.

- Certainly.

Excuse me a minute, Ann.

- We can go in here, Father.

- In here, Jefferson.

What kind of white trash

have you taken up with?

- I know it sounded very confusing.

- I wasn't confused.

What's she doing with a bottle

on her stomach?

- Sending his shorts to the laundry?

- Three years, breakfast?

- They had a peculiar relationship.

- Were they married?

- Not exactly.

- I thought so.

The plumbing isn't very good

in this building.

Don't jump to any conclusions about Ann.

Are you satisfied now?

To take two fine people like that...

whose lives are wrapped up in their son

and make them unhappy?

- What about me being unhappy?

- You only think about yourself.

How could you have associated

with Jeff for so long...

and not gotten some of his fine qualities?

- What's fine about them?

- He's kind and simple and gentle.

You're in one

of your romantic moods again.

That's been the trouble

since the beginning.

And since when have you been so crazy

about the gentle act?

Shall I recall to you how I got this?

A bed lamp.

When you get to know Ann...

you'll find she's everything

a man wants in a wife.

Can't you get an office

with better plumbing?

I'm going to bring Ann up to Lake Placid

next weekend to visit you.

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