Mr. & Mrs. Smith Page #5

That's why I wanted to go someplace

where it was darker.

I don't get it.

It's awfully hot in here.

I know a place that's very cool.

Don't rush it.

We're stuck for the cover charge anyway.

- Say, Davey, a couple more hours of this...

- I beg your pardon.

Your pheasant, madame.

- Dish it out. I'm starved.

- I could eat a horse.

- Remember to take the feathers off.

- Ours'll be right here.

David's here.

Yes, so I see.

Who's he with, I wonder?

So you wanna wrestle, huh?

She's rather pretty, isn't she?

Do you know her, Jeff?

No, I don't.

- I want to dance.

- Fine.

- Would you care to dance, dear?

- Yes, indeed.

You're looking for trouble, buddy.

You know what this pheasant is?

Nothing but chicken,

and tough chicken at that.

$3 for this, with a couple of French fries.

What a racket.

Gertie doesn't seem to like the food here.

Maybe we better go somewhere else.

It's getting better.

You gotta work on it a little.

Relax.

I think Gertie's right.

We should've ordered some chop suey.

What's the matter, baby?

Don't you like pheasant?

- No, I'd like some chop suey.

- Just pour some ketchup on it.

- Waiter, bring us some ketchup.

- But I don't like ketchup.

Then scrape the gravy off.

That ought to fix it.

I still think

we should've ordered some chop suey.

Just eat it up, honey. Maybe Davey

will invite us over to his house.

Yeah? Swell.

- Eat it up.

- All right.

My nose has started bleeding.

I've got to go home again.

- That's all right. I can stop a nosebleed.

- Wait a minute.

- Just lie right down.

- No, wait.

- Chum, give me a hunk of ice, will you?

- Here you are.

Just take it easy. I know how to stop that.

I used to fix two of these a night

at the dance hall.

Why don't you try

a cold knife under his nose?

- Good idea.

- Let me up.

Don't talk. Waiter, put that chicken back

on the stove, will you?

It's nothing, folks.

Stand back and give him some air.

He should've ordered chop suey, too.

I knew the way he was acting

he'd get a punch in the nose.

Maybe he saw something

that made him dizzy.

Come, Ann.

- Give me another knife. This one's hot.

- Okay.

Just cut my throat with it.

- Lf you're upset, I'll gladly take you home.

- Upset? Why?

Because I saw David

with Florence Nightingale?

I don't care who holds a knife to him...

although I'd certainly like

the chance myself.

Is there someplace you'd like to go?

Yes. I feel like staying up all night tonight.

I know. Let's go to the fair.

Good idea.

I was never so happy in all my life.

Wonderful evening.

Wonderful!

So happy and carefree.

They're being very clever.

They're making believe we're stuck.

We are stuck.

That's what I thought.

- Why don't they do something about it?

- Keep calm, don't be frightened.

It's much better to stay where we are.

- You're soaked through.

- It's nothing.

- You're catching cold.

- It's only a little sniffle.

You know what David does

if he sneezes twice in one evening?

He goes to bed

with four hot water bottles...

a quart of brandy,

and a red woolen cap over his head.

You ought to see him in bed

with that red woolen cap.

The moment we get down,

we go to your apartment...

and get you into some dry clothes.

My apartment?

Excuse me.

What a beautiful room.

No wonder you've never gotten married.

- Who did it for you, Jeff?

- I did it myself.

- Do you like the color scheme?

- You did?

David couldn't even tell you

the color of our walls.

He could be living in a tent.

It's the most tasteful man's bedroom

I've ever seen.

Thank you.

What about your hair?

Don't worry about it.

I'll just dry it in front of the fire.

Would you excuse me?

I'm going to get

into something more comfortable.

Is that your idea

of something more comfortable?

I only have one dinner coat.

Don't tell me you expect

to go out again in your condition.

This hasn't been

much of an evening for you.

Don't you ever think about yourself?

What you need, young man,

is a little medical attention.

I feel fine, really.

Two big swallows of this, there'll be

one less pneumonia case tomorrow.

There. Now, sit right over there.

- Is that for me?

- Yes. All in one big gulp.

I don't drink liquor. I just keep it for David.

- And friends.

- You never drink liquor at all?

I haven't anything against

other people drinking it...

but I just never seem to get around

to breaking training.

- I eat four different vegetables a day.

- Really?

When I was a young fella,

I attended a temperance lecture...

and it was very instructive.

I've never forgotten it.

This man was explaining

the evils of liquor...

and there was a drunk in the audience

who kept interrupting him.

Finally, the lecturer asked the drunk

to come up on the platform.

When he got there,

he asked him to open one eye.

Do you know what he did?

He took an eyedropper full of whiskey

and squirted it into that man's eye.

You never heard such hollering

in all your life.

Of course, his whole eye got inflamed,

and the lecturer pointed out...

that the lining in your stomach...

is exactly the same composition

as your eyeball.

I've never been able to forget that.

It's rather a dirty trick.

Then you know what happened?

The drunk left the hall

and came back a few minutes later...

and went up on the platform

and asked the lecturer to open his eye.

- And do you know what he did?

- What?

He jammed a whole handful

of corn crinkles in that man's eye...

and said to the audience:

"That's what corn crinkles do

to the lining of your stomach."

It served him right.

This isn't alcohol, it's medicine.

- Lf you think I ought to...

- Yes, I do. One big gulp, now.

Don't you feel it?

Doesn't it burn you or anything?

No.

I've tried this before,

and it's very interesting.

I don't mind the taste of it.

Only thing is,

my metabolism must be very high...

because unfortunately

I'm not one of those...

strong, silent men

who can hold their liquor.

I never saw anyone hold it as well.

I don't think one is going

to do you any good.

I think another one would be a mistake.

It's just medicine. It kills the germs.

All in one gulp, now.

Your good health.

What a constitution.

Maybe that second one was too much.

Miss Ann...

may I...

beg your leave for a moment?

Certainly.

Are you feeling all right?

You come right over here and sit down.

- I wouldn't want to get bold.

- We'll keep the table between us.

That's right. Right over here.

You sit right there.

I'll sit right over here.

My only fear is that I may not act

like a gentleman.

I always say

a man's true character comes out...

when he's had one drink too many.

Do you know the basic difference

between you and David?

You give him one too many,

and he tilts forward at you.

And you, Jeff, you lean backwards.

Thank you.

I'll tell you something else.

All evening I've been waiting...

for just one little suspicious move

from you.

There isn't one man in a thousand...

who wouldn't take out a girl

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