Mr. Deeds Page #7

My daddy built this house

with his bare hands six years ago.

Your daddy is a liar.

How come you...

He's choking. We should go.

- Help.

- What are you talking about?

- You're the nurse, help him.

- Save him!

- Stand back, kids.

- He's gonna die!

- Take him to the hospital!

- Smack it out!

- Save him!

- Get it out of him!

Save him, please!

- That was amazing.

- Thank you.

I saved his life.

You're my hero, Nurse Dawson.

Thank you, thank you.

- Good parking job, buddy.

- Thanks, Deeds.

Testing, testing.

I had such a wonderful time.

Thank you for such a great day.

- Thanks for showing me your town.

- I hope sometime to see your hometown.

Maybe someday this will be

my new hometown.

Deeds.

- There's something I have to tell you.

- What's the matter?

What?

Go back to New Hampshire

and enjoy being rich.

Just...

...don't let anyone hurt you anymore, okay?

Sucker.

Pam.

I made a card for you.

It's kind of dumb.

I never worked on anything harder, though,

so don't laugh at me.

Remember we went to the restaurant

that first night...

...and you ordered chicken parmesan?

So I drew you a plate.

There's the chicken and the cheese...

...and the linguini. That took me

a long time with the squigglies.

It's beautiful.

There's a poem inside for you.

"Hard to breathe, feels like floating

"So full of love my heart's exploding

"Mouth is dry, hands are shaking

"My heart is yours for the taking

"Acting weird, not myself

"Dancing around like the Keebler elf"

That was funny.

"Finally time for this poor schlub

"To know how it feels to fall in lub"

I couldn't think of anything else

that rhymes with "schlub."

"Rub" and "tub" didn't work.

I'm sorry, Deeds.

- I'm really sorry.

- Don't be sorry, that was unbelievable.

Hi, Mrs. Finch... Atticus.

Sleep well.

- AI, I'm gonna walk home.

- Okay, Deeds.

I love New York!

Nobody cares!

I'm in love with him.

I'm going to see him tonight

and tell him everything.

- He'll probably punch you in the face.

- I kind of hope he does.

Come on, Babe, snap out of it.

You really want to throw all this away

for a dipshit like that?

He's not a dipshit. He's a good-hearted guy

who we think is a weirdo...

...because he doesn't share

our sense of ironic detachment.

- All this hip, snide, smart-alecky...

- Bullshit?

Yes, bullshit.

Well, in a few moments,

I'll put on my Versace overcoat...

...get into my Mercedes,

drive to my Fifth Avenue apartment...

...and squeeze my girlfriend's

big, fake b*obs.

And that bullshit you're talking about

paid for all of it.

Good for you, Mac. But I'm still telling him.

Well...

Babe Bennett falls in love.

I'm happy for you. I am.

Gonna miss you, Babe.

Something fierce.

You think she'll like this?

All right.

Chicken parmesan? Terrific, thank you.

Let's hear it.

- She gonna like that, Mr. Deeds.

- Okay.

- Emilio, it looks beautiful.

- Thank you.

These roses might be a little too high.

I won't be able to see her.

- Do we have anything smaller?

- Yes, sir.

Okay.

Byron?

That's terrific.

- Would you mind sitting for a second?

- Yes, sir.

Say something to me. Pretend you're her.

- Me, sir?

- Please.

Well...

...it's nice of you to have invited me

to dine with you this evening.

It's my pleasure.

Actually, you're too tall.

Can you slink down?

- Like this?

- That's good.

This is one of the best dates

I've ever been on.

You make me feel very special.

You make me feel very special, too.

That's why I got this for you.

Okay, lean forward.

- I really like you a lot.

- I like you, too.

- I can't stop thinking about you.

- I can't stop thinking about you.

Please let me touch your feet.

Okay, this is getting weird.

You can stand up now.

- Deeds!

- Fellows!

We wanted to come and wish you

the best on your big night.

Thanks a lot. I'm so nervous.

I never asked anybody to marry me before.

It's 7:
30, time for Inside Access.

We're not in for any more

nasty surprises, are we?

I don't think so. I haven't done

anything stupid all day. I've been here.

Let's see what lame show they put on

when they don't have Deeds to pick on.

Excuse me!

- Could you put on Channel 8, please?

- You got it.

Welcome to Inside Access.

I'm Mac McGrath.

All of us here at I.A. take pride

in our ability to handle...

... every story with sensitivity and empathy...

Okay, pal.

... while maintaining

an appropriate journalistic distance.

But what happens when a reporter

becomes part of what she's reporting?

What happens when a journalist

falls in love with an idiot?

That's Longfellow Deeds with Pam Dawson.

- I can't believe they involved her in this.

- A school nurse...

... who recently moved to New York City

from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

But wait. Doesn't Pam Dawson

bear a striking resemblance to...

... Babe Bennett,

a producer here at Inside Access?

In fact, the two are one and the same.

We'll wire your apartment

with state-of-the-art surveillance video.

Sounds good.

Deeds.

I came here to try to explain.

I'm the biggest sucker in the world.

This town can be brutal.

I don't belong here.

I can't run the company,

I can't even run my own life.

Sure you can.

The good news is the papers are ready.

Once you sign them, we'll get our stock

and you'll get your $40 billion.

I don't want that money.

Just give it to a charity.

- What's a good charity?

- The United Negro College Fund?

Okay, give it to those guys.

Can we give you a ride to the airport?

The company chopper will take you home.

Thanks, anyway. I'll be all right on my own.

- Nice meeting you all.

- Nice meeting you, Deeds.

Goodbye!

Goodbye.

It's not right.

It's not right.

You must be Jan. My name is...

I know who you are. Wham-bam Dawson.

A.k.a. Little Miss Slut-Slut.

Okay, I deserve that.

Do you have any idea

how much you hurt him?

You're not getting anywhere near that boy.

I have to find him and there's nothing

you can do to stop me.

- There's a lot I can do to stop you.

- He needs to know how bad I feel.

And that I would go to the end of the earth...

...I would do anything

to take back what I did to him.

I'm sorry, all I heard was,

"Blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp."

Tell you what. You get by me...

...l'll tell you where he is.

Feeling crazy!

Come to Mama.

I was a rodeo clown for six years.

You'll have to step it up a notch, shorty.

You mean like this?

Where were you kicking?

I ain't got no balls, dummy!

Get up!

- Put me down!

- You got it!

- Just tell me where Deeds is.

- Bring your bony ass over here.

I want to cut you into

eight slices of b*tch-eroni.

Are you all right?

Good kick, honey. Good kick.

Crazy Eyes!

- All right.

- Here you go.

Peanut butter and gumballs. Nice combo.

Don't worry about what happened.

Time heals all things.

Except these crazy eyes.

It's good to be home. I know that much.

I wasn't talking to you, Deeds.

I was talking to that squirrel over there.

Although it's a shame

about that Cedar fellow...

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