Mr. Nice Page #6

Read all about it! IRA abduction!

The next morning, I woke up famous.

Hello, mate.

I was now being pursued

by the IRA, the DEA,

Customs and Excise, the police

and the press.

This is a British

bIack propaganda exercise.

I admit I've been running guns to the North,

but l've never touched dope.

l don't approve of it.

Oi, it's you! That's you!

Oi, oi, it's Howard Marks. He's here.

He's here. This is him.

It's the man!

- The man!

- Cheers, everyone.

Yes!

- Thank you.

- Cheers, mate.

- Cheers, mate.

- Shh, now, right?

Don't tell anyone I'm here.

I'm on the run, see.

Mmm, I love you so much.

I love you.

I love you so, so much.

I love my girls.

Oh, baby. Oh, baby. For ever!

For ever.

We got a beaten-up oId camper van

and our Iife became a perpetuaI hoIiday,

though Judy often compIained that we had

to park too near the camp site's toilets,

because the teIephone box

was invariabIy in the vicinity.

Howard?

Y-Yes, I am...I am relieved

to hear from you now.

And I can get the goods in from anywhere,

provided that it's smell-proof,

and, uh...

on that particular Italian airline.

So can you do it?

- I need to be paid, DH Marks.

- I've only got a hundred quid, Malik.

- That's nowhere near enough.

- A hundred quid is all I've got right now.

But there'll be more, Malik. Much more.

We're gonna be rich, Malik, all right?

I promise you.

Look, we're spending now,

but the more you spend, the more you get.

You see, if you wanna keep

the rivers of money flowing,

you've got to encourage it to, you know,

froth and bubble and ebb...

What sh*t are you talking, DH Marks?

Get me the money.

Ever had your tarot read?

- No.

- Sit down.

What's your date of birth?

- Fifth of September, 1947.

- And where were you born?

- Norwich.

- I see a woman.

- That must be Mother.

- Yes.

- Is she called Margaret?

- No. Anne.

Hmm. Well, before she was married,

was her maiden name...

Brown. Her maiden name was Brown.

With this information, I couId appIy for

a provisionaI driving Iicence, join a Iibrary.

Do you travel much? Ever been abroad?

No. I don't trust foreign beer.

I couId even get a British passport

from the post office.

I'm sorry. I can't see you.

Will it help if I tell you my name?

I-It's Donald.

My name's Donald Nice.

N-I-C-E, like the place in France.

On the Riviera?

lt was up to Donald

how he pronounced his name,

but l was about to become...

Mr Nice.

Three days Iater, 500 kiIos of Afghan bIack,

some of the best hashish in the world,

was flown from Kabul,

via Frankfurt and Shannon, to New York.

It was being smoked in Greenwich ViIIage

the next day.

I was very rich.

Yes!

God is a concept

By which we measure

Our pain

I'II say it again

God is a concept

By which we measure

Our pain

Yeah

Pain, yeah

I don't beIieve in magic

I don't beIieve in I Ching

I don't beIieve in BibIe

I don't beIieve in tarot

I don't beIieve in HitIer

The next six years were the best of my Iife.

Apart from the preoccupation

with faIse identity,

there was IittIe to indicate I was

Britain's most wanted fugitive from justice.

I was very popuIar and had a Iot of friends.

They knew who I was and I was aware

that any one couId turn me in at any time.

l just bigheadedly assumed

that anyone who knew me Iiked me,

and wouIdn't do such a thing.

I've got money. I've got real money.

I'm one of the shakers and the movers

in the film business now,

living life in the fast lane!

What's it about, then, the film?

It's about a wee lad

who falls in love with a horse.

Gets a little boner for a f***ing pony, eh?

- What's the film called?

- Equus.

I don't beIieve in EIvis

I don't beIieve in Zimmerman

I don't beIieve in BeatIes...

Will you marry me?

Will I marry...

..Donald Nice?

Or one of your other aliases?

You choose, love.

Are you serious?

Yes, I am.

I'd only want to marry you as you.

You know I can't do that right now.

Then I can't marry you.

..the dream weaver, but now...

You're doing well. Just breathe deeply.

Keep your breathing up.

I was the waIrus

But now I'm John

And so, dear friends...

- Can I take your name?

- Mr and Mrs Nice. Booked a double room.

The dream is over

l'd just imported enough

CoIombian marijuana into the UK

to get every inhabitant

of the British lsles stoned.

Would you go down to the bar?

She won't settle with you hovering.

- Are you going to leave them here alone?

- No, the hotel gave me an intercom.

- We can finally have a quiet dinner.

- See you down there.

Keep the change.

Thank you, sir.

That's a nice watch. Can I see it?

We are Customs officers

and we're arresting you.

All right.

Judy!

Jude.

Donald Nice. Is that your name, sir?

Yeah.

What do you do for a living, Mr Nice?

I'm training to be a customs officer.

Howard,

will you marry me?

You wanna marry me now?

I could be banged up for 14 years.

I'll wait.

Howard and Judy...

- We'll be right outside.

- Thank you, boys.

Howard. I can't talk to you.

We cannot liaise with criminals.

Dope smuggling is hardly a crime.

Of course it is. Don't talk rot. It's illegal.

I thought we agreed hashish

shouldn't be illegal. It's the law that's wrong.

Goodbye.

With your leave, my Lord,

I'd like to call the defendant.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

I'd like to ask you, if I may, to explain

to the court your involvement with MI6.

In 1972, I was recruited by MI6

to catch IRA arms smuggler

James McCann,

by sucking him into dope deals.

I was doing rather well

until Her Majesty's Customs and Excise

messed up the secret service's plans

by arresting me.

Bail was arranged. I skipped, as arranged.

The media, however,

had procured confidential information

that I was an MI6 agent,

and my cover was blown.

And knowing no other life than that of a spy,

I was instructed by MI6

to work for the Mexican secret services,

who, strangely enough, were also interested

in James McCann, due to their belief

that he was aiding Mexican terrorist group

September 23rd League

in arms acquisition,

fundraising through dope deals.

And in order to fulfil my dangerous mission,

I involved myself in dope deals.

Mr Marks, you are using

a little bit of the truth and then glossing it.

It is conceded

that Marks was recruited by MI6

for three months in 1973,

by someone who was indiscreet enough

to ask for his assistance.

But the rest is a myth,

mounted by him as a smokescreen,

while he was indulging

in very high-level drug trafficking.

Let me challenge you to produce

this member of the Mexican secret services,

who you say recruited you.

- Is what is written on this paper your name?

- Yes, your Honour.

My Lord, should the jury

not see that document?

He would rather they did not.

So what opportunity will you give me

to check on your credentials?

None, your Honour.

It's a matter of national security.

Your Lordship will recognise that matters

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes