Mrs. Doubtfire Page #3

Thank you, Miranda.

I was going for a refugee motif.

Fleeing-my-homeland kind of thing.

But look at you!

This lovely Dances With Wolves motif.

What's your Indian name: Shops With A Fist?

- Are my children ready yet?

- No, our children are not ready yet...

...because you are an hour early

and you were late dropping them off.

Daniel, I don't have time for this. I have to

drop something off at the newspaper office.

Newspaper? Are you taking out

one of those personal ads?

"DWF seeks WWM with BMW,

into light B&D"?

I'm placing an ad for a housekeeper.

Housekeeper?

Why do you need a housekeeper?

I need someone to be there when the children

get home from school, to clean, start dinner...

- How much are you gonna pay?

- $300 a week. Is that all right?

May I see the ad?

- I have a right as their father. Please?

- All right. Anything else you wanna see?

- Are you offering?

- Not any more.

What's the change?

- Are you guys all right?

- Yeah, Mommy. We're fine.

Miranda, why not let me

take care of the kids?

I'll pick 'em up after school, be with them,

then drop them off at your house after work.

- That'd be great!

- Please!

- Look. The kids love it.

- Mommy, please!

I'll think about it.

We're his goddamn kids, too.

Kids say the darndest things.

Thank you. Any other choice phrases

you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?

Come on, everybody get their coats.

- Put them on and let's get out of here.

- OK, Mom.

I would say go to the bathroom before we go,

but I don't think that's a good idea.

Don't forget anything.

I don't wanna come back.

Come on, let's go.

- See you Saturday.

- Say goodbye to your father.

Goodbye, Daddy.

- Here's your ad.

- I'll get my purse.

Yeah, you'd better.

Hello. Are you calling

in response to the ad?

- Who was your previous employer?

- I was in a band. Severe Tyre Damage.

- In a band?

- I just wanna know one thing.

Are your kids well-behaved, or do they need,

like, a few light slams every now and then?

- I'll have to get back to you.

- Wow!

Ja, my name is llsa Himmelman. I want

to know how many children do you have?

- I have two girls and a boy.

- Oh, a boy!

I don't work with the males

cos I used to be one.

Yikes.

Hello.

Leyla, get back in your cell!

Don't make me get the hose!

Hello?

I am job.

- Do you speak English?

- I am job.

I'm sorry. The position has been filled.

Oh, what a nightmare!

Let's go in for the kill.

Hello?

I'm calling in regards

to the ad I read in the paper.

Yes. Well, would you tell me

a little bit about yourself?

Oh, certainly, dear.

For the past 15 years I've worked for

the Smythe family of Elbourne, England.

That's Smythe, not Smith, dear.

And for them, I did housecleaning, cooking,

and took care of their four glorious children.

I grew quite attached to them after 15

years, but they grew up, as children tend to.

Oh, but listen to me. I am going on when you

should be telling me about your little ones.

- Well, I have two girls...

- Oh, two precious gems.

No doubt the jewel of your eye.

- And one boy.

- Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.

I must tell you,

a little light cooking is required.

Oh, I don't mind that, dear.

I'd love some heavy cooking.

But I do have one rule: They'll only eat

good, nutritious food with me.

And if there's any dispute, it's either

good, wholesome food or empty tummies.

That's my rule.

I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.

No!

Would you mind coming on an interview?

Say, Monday night at 7:30?

- Oh, I'd love to, dear.

- Wonderful.

I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.

Steiner. Oh, how lovely.

- Could you tell me your name?

- My name?

I thought I gave it to you, dear.

No.

- Doubtfire.

- I beg your pardon?

Doubtfire, dear. Mrs Doubtfire.

- Well, I look forward to meeting you.

- Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.

- Bye-bye.

- Ta-ta.

Showtime.

- Daniel, hi.

- Could you make me a woman?

Honey, I'm so happy!

- Oh, come here.

- I knew you'd understand.

- Is this gonna hurt?

- Don't whine. Just relax.

- Are you sure?

- Just remember, pain is beauty.

OK, take a deep breath. Instant eye lift.

And the strings are under the wig.

- The man has five-o'clock shadow at 8.30am.

- All right, we'll start with make-up.

- I'm not gonna wax.

- Don't worry. We'll just lightly spackle.

- I feel like Gloria Swanson.

- You look like her mother.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille.

OK, everyone. Let's pray.

I hope you are using Jungle Red.

That is the color I love.

- Matches your lips.

- God bless you.

I'm feeling fabulous

because I met this beautiful Cuban.

Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.

I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.

I don't know. This would scare the children.

Maybe this is too much for them.

I think we have to go to the next level.

Latex.

Oy, it was such a shandeh.

I should never buy gribbenes from a mohel.

It's so chewy.

- No, I feel like Bubbee. This is not working.

- Don't worry.

It's a work in progress and you're my brother.

I will never let you be embarrassed.

- God bless you.

- We'll have to do the entire face.

But look at this nice thing we have here.

It's not working. I need to go older.

Older? Like Shelley Winters older

or Shirley MacLaine older?

- What's the difference?

- Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

- What about Joan Collins?

- I don't think I have the strength.

But I have some plaster.

Are we close?

Any closer and you'd be Mom.

That's disgusting!

The most revolting thing I've ever seen.

Awesome.

What is this? Turn it off, will you?

Come on. I want you

to meet this lady with me.

I want you to be polite to her, then...

tell me what you think.

Everybody stand over here

and help me decide what to do.

Hello. Mrs Hillard, I presume.

Yes. I'm Miranda Hillard.

Euphegenia Doubtfire.

Yes. Won't you please come in?

Thank you, dear.

- And these must be the cherubs.

- Yes.

- This is Natalie.

- Oh, hello, Natalie.

- Are you wearing bug spray?

- Nattie!

It's quite all right, dear. No offense taken.

I was a little liberal with the atomizer.

And at my age, it's like a good Stilton.

Everything has its own aroma.

I admire that honesty, Nattie.

That's a noble quality. Never lose that.

It often disappears with age

or entering politics.

Look at that face.

You remind me of Stuart Little,

one of the most honorable creatures

in all of literature.

- Do you know that book, Stuart Little?

- Yeah! It's one of my favorites.

Mine, too! Maybe I could read it to you -

if I get the position.

- That would be wonderful.

- And who is this strapping young lad?

- This is Chris.

- Hello, Christopher.

Hello.

Jeez, you're big for a lady.

You could play for the 49ers.

Well, I was a fullback.

But that's European football, dear.

- Soccer?

- Yes. You play soccer, too?

- Yeah!

- Oh, isn't that amazing?

Yes, I was captain of the women's team.

We won three university championships.

Oh, but that was decades ago!

But I was more disciplined then. I always

Rate this script:5.0 / 3 votes