Much Ado About Nothing Page #3

Come, let us to the banquet.

Thus answer I in name of Benedick...

...but hear these ill news

with the ears of Claudio.

'Tis certain so...

...the prince woos for himself!

Friendship is constant in all other things...

...save in the office and affairs of love.

This is an accident of hourly proof...

...which I mistrusted not.

Farewell, therefore, Hero!

- Count Claudio?

- Yea, the same.

- Come, will you go with me?

- Whither?

About your own business.

- The prince hath got your Hero!

- I wish him joy of her!

Did you think the prince

would have served you thus?

I pray you, leave me.

Alas, poor hurt fowl!

But that my Lady Beatrice should know me,

and not know me!

The prince's fool?

I am not so reputed.

It is the base, the bitter disposition of Beatrice...

...that puts the world into her person

and so gives me out.

Well...

...l'll be revenged as I may.

Now, signior, where's the count?

Troth, my lord, I found him here

as melancholy as a lodge in a warren.

I told him, and I think I told him true...

...that your grace had got the good will

of this young lady.

The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you.

The gentleman that danced with her

told her she is much wronged by you.

She misused me past the endurance of a block!

She told me, not thinking I had been myself,

that I was the prince's jester...

...that I was duller than a great thaw...

...huddling jest upon jest

with such impossible conveyance upon me...

...that I stood like a man at a mark...

...with a whole army shooting at me.

She speaks poniards...

...and every word stabs.

If her breath were terrible as her terminations,

there were no living near her.

She would infect to the North Star.

So, indeed, all disquiet,

horror and perturbation follows her.

Look, here she comes.

Will your grace command me any service

to the world's end?

I will go on the slightest errand now

to the Antipodes...

...that you can devise to send me on.

I will fetch you a hair off

the Great Cham's beard...

...do you any embassage to the Pigmies...

...rather than hold three words'

conference with this harpy.

You have no employment for me?

None, but to desire your good company!

O God, sir, here's a dish I love not.

I cannot endure my Lady Tongue!

Come, lady, come.

You have lost the heart of Signior Benedick.

Indeed, my lord.

He lent it me awhile.

And I gave him use for it...

...a double heart for his single one.

Marry, once before he won it of me,

with false dice.

Therefore your grace may well say I have lost it.

You have put him down, lady,

you have put him down.

So I would not he should do me, my lord...

...lest I should prove the mother of fools.

I have brought Count Claudio,

whom you sent me to seek.

Why, how now, Count, wherefore art thou sad?

Not sad, my lord.

- How then? Sick?

- Neither, my lord.

The count is neither sad, nor sick...

...nor merry, nor well...

...but civil count...

...civil as an orange,

and something of that jealous complexion.

I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true...

...though I'll be sworn, if he be so,

his conceit is false.

Here, Claudio.

I have wooed in thy name...

...and fair Hero is won.

I have broke with her father,

and his good will obtained.

Name the day of marriage...

...and God give thee joy.

Count, take of me my daughter...

...and with her my fortunes.

His grace hath made the match...

...and all grace say Amen to it.

Speak, Count...

...'tis your cue.

Silence is the perfectest herald of joy.

I were but little happy, if I could say how much.

Lady...

...as you are mine...

...I am yours.

Speak, cousin!

Or, if you cannot, stop his mouth with a kiss,

and let not him speak neither.

In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.

Yea, my lord, I thank it.

Poor fool.

It keeps on the windy side of care.

My cousin tells him in his ear

that he is in her heart.

And so she doth, cousin.

Good Lord, for alliance!

Thus goes everyone to the world but I,

and I am sunburnt.

I may sit in a corner

and cry heigh-ho for a husband.

Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.

I would rather have one of your father's getting.

Hath your grace ne'er a brother like you?

Your father got excellent husbands,

if a maid could come by them.

Will you have me, lady?

No, my lord...

...unless I might have another for working-days.

Your grace is too costly to wear every day.

But, I beseech your grace, pardon me.

I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.

Your silence most offends me...

...and to be merry best becomes you...

...for, out of question,

you were born in a merry hour.

No, sure, my lord...

...my mother cried.

But then there was a star danced...

...and under that was I born.

Cousins.

God give you joy!

By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.

There's little of the melancholy element in her.

She is never sad but when she sleeps,

and not ever then...

...for I've heard my daughter say

she hath often dreamt of unhappiness...

...and waked herself with laughing.

She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.

By no means.

She were an excellent wife for Benedick.

If they were but a week married,

they would talk themselves mad.

- Claudio, when mean you to go to church?

- Tomorrow, my lord.

Not till Monday, my dear son,

which is hence a just seven-night...

...and a time too brief, too,

to have all things answer my mind.

I warrant thee, Claudio,

the time shall not go dully by us.

I will, in the interim,

undertake one of Hercules' labors...

...which is to bring Signior Benedick

and the Lady Beatrice...

...into a mountain of affection,

the one with the other.

I would fain have it a match,

and I doubt not but to fashion it...

...if you minister such assistance

as I give you direction.

My lord, I am for you,

though it cost me 10 nights' watchings.

And I, my lord.

And you, too, gentle Hero?

I will do any modest office, my lord,

to help my cousin to a good husband.

If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer.

His glory shall be ours,

for we are the only love-gods.

Go with me, I will tell you my drift.

I do much wonder...

...that one man...

...seeing how much another man is a fool

when he dedicates his behaviors to love...

...will, after he hath laughed at

such shallow follies in others...

...become the argument of

his own scorn by falling in love.

And such a man is Claudio.

I have known when there was no music with him

but the drum and the fife...

...and now would he rather hear

the tabor and the pipe.

I have known when he would have

walked 10 mile afoot to see a good armor.

And now will he lie 10 nights awake,

carving the fashion of a new doublet.

He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose,

like an honest man and a soldier.

Now is he turned orthography.

His words are a very fantastical banquet...

...just so many strange dishes.

May I be so converted, and see with these eyes?

I cannot tell. I think not.

I will not be sworn...

...but love may transform me to an oyster.

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