Mulan Page #3

Mushu chases him out of the yard and down the road.

The Hun army comes to a stop by a marsh. Two Chinese soldiers are dragged out of a tree and thrown before Shan Yu.

Hun:

Imperial Scouts.

Soldier #1:

Shan Yu!

Shan Yu:

Nice work, gentlemen. You've found the Hun army.

Laughter

Soldier #2:

The Emperor will stop you.

Shan Yu:

Stop me! He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play his game. Go! Tell your Emperor to send his strongest armies. I'm ready.

The two soldiers scurry off, one after the other.

Shan Yu:

How many men does it take to deliver a message?

Hun Archer:

One.

***

Mulan:

Okay. Okay, how about this: [in a deep voice] Excuse me, where do I sign in? Ah, I see you have a sword. I have one, too. They're very manly, and strong. [She fumbles with the sword, dropping it on the ground.]

Khan rolls with laughter, and is hit by a shoe.

Mulan:

I'm working on it! Oh, who am I fooling. It'd take a miracle to get me into the army.

Mushu:

[covered in smoke, and surrounded by fire, all Mulan can see is his giant shadow.] Did I hear someone ask for a miracle! Lemme hear ya say, "Aaah!"

Mulan:

Aughhh!

Mushu:

That's close enough!

Mulan:

A ghost!

Mushu:

Get ready, Mulan, your seventeen halation is at hand, for I have been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade! [He glances down at Crickee, who is making finger-shadows of a dragon's head, and kicks him.] C'mon, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work with me. [To Mulan] So heed my words, cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is death.

Mulan:

Who are you?

Mushu:

Who am I? WHO am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu.

Mulan stares at the tiny dragon for a moment.

Mushu:

Ah, I'm pretty hot, huh? [Immediately Khan steps all over him.]

Mulan:

My ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?

Mushu:

Hey, dragon, dragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue-thing.

Mulan:

You're ... um ...

Mushu:

Intimidating? All inspiring?

Mulan:

Tiny!

Mushu:

Of course! I am travel-sized, for your convenience. If I was my REAL size, your cow here would die of fright. [Khan tries to chomp him.] DOWN, Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor. Alright! That's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis-

Mulan:

Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before.

Mushu:

Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. You clear on that? [Mulan nods]. Alright. Okey-dokey! Let's get this show on the road! Crickee, get the bags! [To Khan] Let's move it heifer!

At the Moo-Shung Camp

Mushu:

Okay, this is it! Time to show them your man-walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up, and strut! Two three, break that bone, two, three, and work it!

Mushu:

[They pass men trimming their toenails and picking their noses] Beautiful, isn't it.

Mulan:

They're disgusting.

Mushu:

No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention.

Recruit:

Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!

Yow:

Hmmm ... [punches the recruit]

Ling:

[laughing] I hope you can get your money back!

Mulan:

I don't think I can do this ...

Mushu:

It's all attitude! Be tough, like this guy here!

Yow:

[spits] What are you looking at?

Mushu:

Punch him. It's how men say hello. [Mulan punches Yow; he slams into Chien Po.]

Chien Po:

Oh, Yow! You've made a friend!

Mushu:

Good. Now slap him on the behind. They like that. (Mulan slaps Yow.)

Yao:

Woo hoo ... I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy.

Chien Po:

[picks up Yow] Yow, relax and chant with me.

Yao:

errrrrgh ....

Chien Po:

nanuami tofu dah ...

Yao:

nonuamitofudah.

Chien Po:

Feel better?

Yao:

nrrgh. Ah, you ain't worth my time. Chicken boy.

Mushu:

Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!

Yao:

Rrraaaaghhh! [Grabs Mulan and punches; she ducks and he punches Ling three times.] Oh, sorry Ling. Hey! [reaches down to catch Mulan from crawling away, and Ling kicks him into Chien Po, then attacks with a flying side kick. They start fighting, with Chien Po swiping to get them off. Mulan scrambles away.]

Ling:

Hey! There he goes! [They chase Mulan through a tent, and the Gang of Three stop abruptly at the end of the food line. Chien Po knocks everyone over, like dominoes, and finally the pot overturns. Everyone gets up and advances on Mulan.]

Mulan:

Hey, guys ...

Rate this script:4.3 / 10 votes