Multiple Maniacs Page #4

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but they continued to sleep,

and Jesus continued to pray.

Oh, St. Joseph! Oh, St. Peter!

Oh, St. Bernadette!

Help my mind not to wander!

As Jesus prayed, Judas led

a couple of Roman soldiers

into the garden. According

to his agreement,

he identified Jesus

with a kiss.

The soldiers began to beat him.

Judas ran away cowardly,

realising what he had done.

When the apostles saw Jesus

was making no use of

supernatural tendencies,

they ran for their lives!

Jesus was taken by the guards,

stripped off his garments

by these cruel soldiers.

No torture is too hideous to them.

They beat him with chains

and whips for hours

until his flesh

was covered in blood.

Jesus couldn't use his powers

to get free from his torture,

as this torture was

a sacrifice for all men,

a sacrifice that would

always be remembered,

as long as

mankind survived.

By this time I had picked up

a strong sexual vibration

from the lady behind me.

Felt it only proper to move away.

Not personally enjoying sexual

encounters with members of the same sex,

I made every possible move

to discourage her.

She seemed so sure of herself,

something I naturally admire on people

since I possess this same

strong characteristic myself.

Although lesbianism has never

really appealed to me,

there still was an aura about her

that attracted me to her,

even in all my distaste

for such perversion.

After carefully considering it,

I decided since the Infant of Prague

had brought me to this church,

I should more or less

let fate have its way.

I felt if I cooperated with

this mysterious woman,

I could somehow benefit

spiritually from the experience.

Little did I know

what she had in mind.

I felt her hand reach down

and touch my leg, not at all casually.

I realized it was too late

for social introduction!

This lady had a grip on me that even

now I find it hard to describe.

She kissed me as if Christ himself

had ordered every move

of her experienced tongue.

I was suddenly uncontrollable!

Although she had only said

seven words to me,

these words proved to be the key

to the most satisfying

sexual experience

of my entire life!

Think about the

Stations of the Cross!

It was then that I realized

she was using her rosary

as a tool of

erotic pleasure...

My head was spinning,

and at all once she inserted

her rosary into one of my

most private parts!

Second Station:

Jesus is made to carry his cross.

Consider how Jesus, in making this journey

with the cross on his shoulders,

thought of us, and offered

for us to His Father

the death that

He was about to undergo.

Third Station:

Jesus falls the first time.

Consider this first fall of

Jesus under His Cross.

His flesh was torn by the scourges,

his head crowned with thorns,

and He has lost

a great quantity of blood.

He was so weakened

that He could scarcely walk,

and yet He had to carry...

Four Station:

Jesus meets his afflicted mother.

Consider the meeting

of the son and the Mother,

which took place on this journey.

Jesus and Mary looked at each other...

Fifth Station:

Simon helps Jesus to carry his cross.

Consider how the Jews seeing

that at each step Jesus,

from weakness, was on the point

of expiring, and fearing

that He would die on the way,

when they wished Him to die

the ignominious death of the cross,

constrained Simon the Cyrenian

to carry the cross behind our Lord.

Sixth Station:

Veronica wipes the face of Jesus.

Consider how the holy woman

named Veronica,

seeing Jesus so afflicted, and His face

bathed in sweat and blood,

presented Him with a towel, with which

He wiped His adorable face.

Seventh Station:

Jesus falls the second time.

Consider the second fall

of Jesus under the cross,

a fall which renews

the pain of all the wounds

of the head and members

of our afflicted Lord.

Eight Station:
Jesus speaks

to the women of Jerusalem.

Consider how those women

wept with compassion

at seeing Jesus in so pitiable

a state, streaming with blood,

as He walked along.

But Jesus said to them:

"Weep not for Me,

but for your children."

Ninth Station:

Jesus falls the third time.

Tenth Station:

Jesus is stripped of His Garments.

Consider the violence with which

the executioners stripped Jesus.

Eleventh station:

Jesus is nailed to the Cross.

Consider how Jesus, after being

thrown on the cross, extended His hands.

Twelfth Station:

Jesus dies on the cross.

Consider how thy Jesus, after

three hours' agony on the cross...

- God, it's snowing or something!

- Want to get a drink somewhere?

Well, no... I would, but...

- Have you got any money?

- Not a cent.

Can I kind of hang out with you

for a while today?

I'm supposed to meet somebody

at St. Ursula's later, but not till tonight.

I don't want to get there early

'cos I'm heaty up St. Ursula's.

I'd never done anything like that

before. It was wonderful.

Everybody says that

once they get into it.

I don't even know your name.

It's Mink. But lots of people just

call me "the religious whore".

Oh, Mink. It was a

wonderful experience.

I'm pretty good at it. As a matter of fact,

it's the only thing I ever do

so I guess I should be

pretty skilled by now, huh?

Do you live around here?

Sometimes. I don't have my

own place or anything.

I usually sleep in churches...

in the confessionals.

They lock the churches up now

because of thieves

and they never check

the confessionals.

Saturday nights are the only problem

and nights before Holy Days

because of the early masses

the next day.

And Lent. Sh*t, forget it!

I gotta sleep in synagogues then

and it's just not the same thing,

if you know what I mean.

-Yeah.

-What's your name?

It's Lady Divine, but you can

just call me Divine.

I wish I wasn't so heaty.

Up Immaculate Conception I got

caught once and over St. Theresa's

they heard about me

so whenever I come in they

send a nun in to snoop around.

But I got a nun once and let me tell you

it was just what she needed!

- Please Mink! People will stare!

- I thought we had a thing going!

- We do, Mink. But first I've got

to find my husband.

What? You've got a husband?

Well, actually, he's my boyfriend.

But we're through now.

- Well, I'm going to walk up to...

- No, Mink! You've got to help me!

Oh, Mr. David!

This is even better than amyl nitrate!

This is better than Carbona!

It's even better than heroin!

Go slow...

Turn over!

Oh, Jesus!

This is even better than last time!

If only we could perform acts

24 hours a day!

Oh, that would be

supreme happiness.

You've been f***ing

somebody else.

No, no. I haven't,

Mr. David.

Not since last time with you

at the movie theater.

- Somebody's been there.

- Not since we saw Inga together, I swear.

- You're lying!

- How could I?

I'd never had an experience

like that before.

- Well, somebody has!

- No, I swear.

Well, no MAN has.

No one has been near

my private parts

except for this old lady

I met on the bus.

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