My Best Friend Page #6

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YOU'RE HORN Y

I FEEL I:

I C AN'T TAKE IT AN YMORE

DEEPER:

Open the door!

I'm off to Kozani.

Back on Sunday.

I adore you. It was wonderful.

Constantine.

Hi. Have you parked?

Come on up.

The f***ing paper came!

My f***ing citizenship.

- You must be happy now.

- I am.

- I'll call you.

- I'll be at the gym.

It finally came.

You're flying high.

Alekos, I'm calling you

from Kozani.

Please drop by the house

and talk to Andrea.

Don't tell her

I called you.

She wants to

have an abortion.

- Please speak to her.

- Okay, bye.

You haven't called me

with any information.

I'll tell you up close.

- Can't you tell me from afar?

- I've got evidence.

- Is she at home?

- No, she's at the gym.

I'm on my way.

- Where are you going?

- To Miami.

Did you book a hotel?

It's a joke.

- Hello?

- You don't know me.

- Lf you say so.

- I'm a woman who loves you.

Because I love you, I want you

to know that...

your wife is sleeping with

your best friend Alekos.

Right now, she's at

the "Jump & Jump" gym.

- Everyone's jumping.

- Jump & Jump.

When you find out

who I am...

Everyone knows

she's screwing around.

You're crazy.

What're you doing here?

I can't believe our

relationship's over.

Well, believe it and scram.

How did you find me?

I ran around

and found you.

I'm going to tell

Constantine and Daphne,

but I've got something

to tell you.

I can't talk while

I'm running. It's impossible.

- Stop.

- How does it stop?

I won't let you

get rid of this baby.

The baby's mine...

unless it's his.

- What're you doing?

- You're a fool.

Don't increase

the speed!

Don't do that to me.

How does it stop?

It's like a motorway -

no traffic lights.

If it's a boy...

How does this thing stop?

Hey, pal!

Hey... mercy!

This is killing me!

What do I press?

Have I done something?

What have I done? Excuse me...

- It's for women only.

- What have I done?

I know there's someone else.

I've got proof,

but I don't care about that.

I want to know whose

baby it is.

- Is it his? Mine? Whose?

- It's his.

- I'm sweating.

- You're in a sauna.

Okay, okay we'll talk,

we won't just f***.

I'm to blame, I know.

We can talk about anything you

like... world poverty...

photosynthesis... the Ionely

distance between main arteries.

What're you

talking about?

How do those f***ing

camels stand the heat?

We can talk about the negative

aspects of this topic, too.

- Alekos? Hi.

- Constantine?

Any excuses or are we

discussing this in 10 years?

I wake up this morning and

what do I decide?

Or rather I don't decide...

how life turns out...

How does life turn out?

How does it turn out, Alekos?

You talk, Alekos,

I feel terrible.

You're not the

only one.

- This isn't a good place.

- Were we looking for one?

Are the two of us going to talk

about it, or the three of us...

or is the slut

going to stay?

- Should the slut leave?

- Yes!

Well, spit on me, go on!

Don't beg me, it's top

of my list of priorities.

Just move over a bit,

so I don't miss.

A**hole, what we had

was more important than her.

You prick! I've known you

since we were six.

How could you look me

in the eyes all these years?

- You think it was easy?

- It wasn't?

No! Pass me the shampoo.

Each day, I tried to find

the courage to tell you.

And you still haven't.

Of course nothing really

earthshaking happened.

- We didn't...

- I saw you.

The water's freezing.

We shouldn't have gone in.

You're unbelievable.

I'm serious. I was a black stud

in my past life.

Well, in this life,

you haven't slowed down much.

I've always envied you,

except for one thing...

that you can forget everything

in a few seconds.

- I don't remember that.

- How could you?

I was proud I had

the memory of an elephant.

But now I envy your

goldfish memory.

Everything would

have been different.

What are you saying?

Speak clearly.

Only if I make marriage...

not real marriage...

- then I stay.

- All right.

I've got a friend - friend -

He'll marry you and

we'll still be together.

- Constantine?

- You know him?

I don't.

Daphne say Constantine...

I not understand.

This friend say okay?

Oh, mama! He'll fall

in love with you right away.

What? My mama?

I fell in love with her. What

could I do? I was losing her.

I kept saying that

I'd find the courage...

and the right moment

to tell you.

- You'd remember, then forgot.

- That's it.

Congratulations! We'll never

speak to each other again.

- You're bitter.

- How else should I be?

Let's go to the

bumper cars.

After all that, I can't

look you in the eyes.

But it was true

that I loved you.

It's inhuman for a woman to

be wanted only for her money.

Find a woman

who really deserves you.

It's tough to find out

that her husband

is having an affair

with her best friend.

One thing I'll swear to you.

I'll never see Alekos again.

I loved you, Alekos.

You never realized that.

Here are the tapes from

Thodoros, and this is from me.

- What is it?

- You'll need it.

- What is it?

- Grass.

I can't even roll over...

how can I roll a joint?

As soon as you hear the tapes,

it'll come naturally.

You've got to beam yourself

over here right now.

I'm coming, but

there's no way...

You might change your mind

when you hear this.

- I don't think so.

- Listen and see.

It's so great to lie in bed

without a jerk on top of you!

What did they say

at the ministry?

The paperwork's finished.

- When I get those papers...

- She means the citizenship.

They're such morons,

especially my husband.

How did I keep from laughing

all these years?

I know, and you had to

do it with him too.

Thank God, mine stopped

touching me ages ago.

I used to stress him out

so he couldn't get it up.

There's no more pathetic

sight than that!

Constantine's different.

- He's...

- More of a sensitive idiot...

I don't know. The last time I

felt something...

You'll get over it.

Men never understand when

a woman has an orgasm.

All they care about is

how many times.

They'll boast they did it five

times and they might all stink.

At some point, I screamed so

much, it was so fake...

that I was sure

he'd realize it, but no.

They'll be sorry.

You should've seen mine...

whenever I pretended

to be suspicious.

So funny. Make a man feel

guilty and sit back and enjoy.

If Alekos ever finds out

about the will, he'II...

He won't. The lawyer's

a friend of mine.

If Alekos knew I married him

because according to the will...

I get the inheritance after

five years of marriage,

he'd not only stick around,

he'd probably even get it up.

- Maybe.

- Very likely.

If only there was a camera,

so we could see them crying.

- Where are you going?

- To the bathroom.

We need a big,

fat joint for this one.

- Unbelievable!

- Unbelievable.

- Are we two a**holes or what?

- Yes, we are.

I was wondering why that waiter

at the restaurant went nuts,

gaping like that.

They were doing touchy-feely

under the table.

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