My Best Friend Page #5

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Constantine?

Should I write it

on a neon sign?

"This is the last screw."

You're not a man.

You don't understand.

- Right?

- Right.

If I'd known,

I'd have given it my all.

But then what

would you be left with?

Are you sure I had

an orgasm with you?

I'm not gonna drink

coffee today.

I can't believe

you didn't have an orgasm.

- What about all that screaming?

- Special effects.

I can do it

for you now...

- I'm kidding.

- Why?

I'm dying and you're

playing 8-ball.

Go away,

I'm losing.

- You used me.

- It's over for me.

We'll be on the news,

Andrea, I warn you.

- Don't push me!

- Beat it, you jerk!

It was absurd for Odysseus

to expect Penelope to wait.

She was probably screwing.

Probably.

- It's Odysseus' problem.

- It's Constantine's problem.

But why did Odysseus

have to go through so much?

Only to leave Troy and find

his wife on all fours...?

If he knew, he'd have

gone somewhere else.

He wouldn't have gone

to Ithaca, but to...

Vourvourou.

- Yannis?

- Yes.

I don't think the point is

Penelope and Odysseus.

I think it's

Abbott and Costello,

Bolek and Lolek.

Let's not psychoanalyze

it anymore.

It's an a**hole's ego trip and

it just happened to be me.

I know what I have to do...

I'm an a**hole!

You're not the only one!

See if you like them.

They're beautiful.

Beautiful and large.

Faces Northeast, eh?

Rooftop therapy's not really

my goal in life.

It's fine but I took over

because Katy got ill.

Things will be better

for me in Germany.

What if I say

that I'll miss you?

I've heard that before.

Venia's disappeared again?

No, she left a message.

She's gone back to...

You can stay the night

with me,

if Freud doesn't bother you,

or I for that matter.

On the contrary.

This wasn't

something I'd planned.

I've got to go

to bed.

I have to pack tomorrow.

I told you. There nothing

to keep me here.

You could be right.

I just want to thank you.

Thank Venia.

I'd like to go with

you tomorrow...

and not be at

my wedding anniversary.

Don't rush things.

There's still fog up ahead.

Am I in danger?

You, inside!

I hope you'll be fine

on the sofa.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

Not a word.

You have to tell him,

he's your friend.

He should know

about his wife.

If you tell him,

we're through.

I'll say it in my own way,

without really telling him.

- Do you change bandages?

- As soon as Mr. Alekos gives...

Good morning.

- How was Paris?

- Just great.

Is the Eiffel Tower

still high?

- There's a reason I'm asking.

- Really?

- Theoni!

- Was it nice?

Yes. How was the love affair

while I was gone?

It's no joke. He won't even

insure my brother.

- What happened to the priest?

- His cassock caught fire again.

We'll insure him

against the holocaust.

- Goldfish!

- You're such an a**hole.

Couldn't you call to say

you were okay?

Important thing is you had

a good time, right?

It was beyond perfect.

It was fantastic.

They say Frenchwomen use

perfume, so they don't stink.

- Any luck?

- You know that's not my style.

If you don't screw around

now, when will you?

Are you screwing around

these days?

No, but the thought

does cross my mind.

But it doesn't

stay there?

If it did,

you'd tell me, wouldn't you?

You'd be the first to know.

- Want to hear a joke?

- No.

A guy goes to the

Eiffel Tower and says...

"My God, I'm so short."

"Don't worry," says

the Eiffel Tower,

"with your cuckold's horns,

you're as tall as I am."

It's a joke!

Thanks for everything.

You have my number...

Have a good trip...

And when the fog clears,

see me. Constantine.

Don't make it raven black.

Just enough to hide the grey.

Raven black!

Don't you be afraid and

let's keep it serious.

So go on, tell me...

I thought as much.

OK, something almost happened,

but it didn't work out.

- Near the Seine?

- At the cathedral.

- Quasimodo's sister?

- No, we're talking goddess!

But if your wife's okay, you

can't. It's psychological.

If she fucks around, however,

with this guy and that guy...

One's enough.

But in my case my wife's

beyond reproach.

- Lf she wasn't...

- lf she wasn't?

I'd kill them both.

- You'd kill her?

- And him.

- Of course... and him.

- Of course.

Don't forget

about tonight.

No, no...

What's tonight?

Our 6th wedding anniversary.

You were my best man.

- Is it hot in here or is it me?

- It's you.

It's coming out raven black!

- From Paris to Kozani?

- Yes, Kozani.

I'm leaving

at dawn...

and coming back

on Sunday.

It's an important job.

D'you want to come?

No. If it was

Thessaloniki...

- You'd come to Thessaloniki?

- Absolutely.

But Kozani... holds you back.

- Know who I dreamt about?

- My wife.

- Don't be an a**hole.

- I'm kidding.

- That's not funny.

- I laughed.

- I dreamt about Stella.

- Who?

My 8-month love affair?

Daphne's great,

but she doesn't do it for me.

Of course, Stella wouldn't

have waited for me.

She has kids by now...

but it turns me on

to think about it.

- How do I look?

- You look fine.

How would I look...

with a kid?

- What kid?

- A kid.

A real kid?

Andrea asked me

not to tell you.

She said especially not you.

But if I don't tell you,

who do I tell?

No way.

Of course the dates

don't quite match...

But the father could hardly

be someone else, right?

Nowadays they can find out

through the DN A.

No way, man.

The chicken.

With lemon sauce, rosemary,

thyme, fennel...

- Budapest olives...

- Prague prunes...

Is there anything

it doesn't have?

I'll have duck

with goose sauce.

Duck with orange

goose sauce.

It's as if it

were yesterday.

It feels the same...

a burning sensation.

- Steak.

- After studying the whole menu?

Is that a problem?

I'll have whatever

my friend has.

The friend's steak...

So, how was Paris?

Your first time, right?

No. Wonderful! I'll tell

you a joke I heard there.

A Spanish guy sees his best

friend f***ing his wife.

"Buenos dias," he says,

"Buenas tardes," she says.

And from the closet,

you hear, "Ooooooo..."

Tarzan?

Come on, it's a

great restaurant.

- Let's go now!

- Why?

- I'll tell you later.

- Hey, wait!

What a shame.

You're so rude.

...and the Spanish guy

yells, "Let's get organized!"

- Are you on coke?

- I just feel incredibly high.

I've got a

terrible headache.

- It must be a migraine.

- I read in Paris...

When half of your head

thinks something,

and the other half

something else, then...

- You get a migraine.

- Yes.

Come on,

I'm just kidding.

- To our love.

- To our passion.

- To your passion.

- To your love.

To the heir!

What's wrong?

You've got no imagination when

it comes to lovemaking.

And if you haven't, some

other guy will screw her.

If he's a prince...

then I'm a bullfighter.

No. Emperor Nero...

I'll make it sizzle...

completely!

PLEASE HOLD:

IT'S CONSTANTINE

I WANT US TO H AVE CELL PHONE

SEX - ASK M E AN YTHING

TAKE OFF YOUR BRA

I'M COM ING DO WN

IT'S NICE DO WN HERE

LICK M E ALL O VER

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