My Cousin Vinny Page #4

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new guys were so they brought me

here

{looks at Bill, fondly)

Hey, he's sleepin', cute little

guy

Despite his raunchy appearance, Vinny's friendly - which Stan

misconstrues to be a cat playing with a mouse. He avoids

meeting Vinny's eyes

STAN:

I ••• don't want to ••• do this

He sits. Vinny steps behind him and starts massaging his

shoulders( CONTINUED) -~----~-.-~------------............... ·----·----------

VINNY:

I don't blame you, if I was in

your situation, I'd want to get

through this whole thing over as

quickly and with as little pain

as possible. So lets try our best

to make this thing a simple in

and out procedure

(CONTINUED)

---·---·---~--------- ..-.- -..-..r.-., .... ·•-"'"-- .... _.,._. _ ~----, - ...... --,.,.,,_ _, . -----

CONTINUED:
(2)

Stan says nothing

shoulder, massaging

are confirmed

Vinny comes over and puts his hand on Stan's

it, being comforting. Stan's worst fears

VINNY:

Maybe we should spend a coupl

minutes to - get acquainted before

we, you know, get to it

Stan squirms away from Vinny, keeping his back to the wall

VINNY:

Whatsa matter?

STAN:

I don't want to do this

VINNY:

I understand, but what're your

alternatives?

STAN:

My alternatives? To what? To

you? I don't know - Suicide -

Death

VINNY:

No. It's either me ••

(joking, points to

prison block)

••• or them! You're gettin' f***ed

one way or the other!

(Stan doesn't laugh,

he's almost in tears)

Hey, hey, hey, lighten up, don't

worry, I'm going to help you

STAN:

Gee whiz, thanks

VINNY:

(beat, losing patience)

Excuse me, I think a modicum of

gratitude is not out line

STAN:

(outraged)

You think I should be grateful?

(CONTINUED)

I:

)

CONTINUED:
( 4)

VINNY:

(mildly miffed)

Sure, I mean, it's your ass, not

mine. I think you should be

grateful - I think you should be

on your f***in' knees

STAN:

(disgusted, then ••• )

I didn't know what an honor it

was to get a visit from you

l

VINNY:

(pissed-off)

You're·getting' me for free pall

I'm doin' you a favor, you little

sh*t!

STAN:

Boy, that's one helluva ego you've

got

VINNY:

(almost losing it)

What the f***'s your problem?

I didn't coma down hara just to

get jerked off .•

STAN:

(interrupting)

I'm~ jerking you off. I'm not

doing anything!

VINNY:

You're on your own, pal ••

(points to Bill)

I'm just takin' care of this guy

(to Bill)

Hey, Slaepin' Beauty, wake up!

Vinny sits on the bad next to Bill. Stan grabs Vinny and balls

a fist. Bill stirs, wakes, sees Vinny, smiles warmly

BILL:

(warmly putting on

strong Italian-Brooklyn

accent)

Hey ••• 'Vinny-bag-a-donuts'!

Vinny and Bill embrace warmly

STAN:

(stunned, realizes)

Oh! Vinny? This is Vinny?

INT, CONFERENCER OOM- VINNY, STAN AND BILL

Bill's waxing enthusiastic. Stan is hoping against hope

BILL:

I've told Stan so much about you

He couldn't wait to meet you

VINNY:

(skeptically)

Oh yeah?

BILL:

He has lots of questions to ask

you. Go on, Stan

STAN:

Well, I don't know where to

start •••• have you had any murder

cases before?

VINNY:

No •• this would be my first

STAN:

Your first? What have your other

cases been? Assault and battery?

Armed robbery?

VINNY:

No, none of those

BILL:

I expect he's done burglary, grand

theft auto, drugs ••• ?

VINNY:

Nope. Nothing like that

BILL:

(confused)

Vinny, you are a criminal

attorney, aren't you?

VINNY:

Actually, this will be my first

foray into the criminal arenSTAN

(crushed)

First time?

(he looks at Bill, then

at Vinny)

What kind of law do you practice?

(CONTINUED)

' l

24 CONTINUED:
:

VINNY:

Up 'till now, personal injury

(laughs)

It just keeps gettin' worse here

doesn't it? Got any more

questions?

STAN:

But you are a trial attorney?

Personal injury trials?

VINNY:

Actually, this will be my first

foray into the trial process -I

haven't had to go to court yet

- knock on wood

STAN:

It does get worse

(beat)

You haven't been to court yet,

uh, how •.. long have you been

practicing?

VINNY:

Six ... weeks

(corrects himself)

••• almost six weeks

STAN looks at Bill, with a hopeless 'what is this?' expression

,.-

BILL:

But ••• you graduated from law

school six years ago, what've you

been doing since?

VINNY:

Studying for the bar

,,- STAN

Six years? That's a lott

studying

VINNY:

!lo kidding

(slightly embarrassed)

'To be honest with you, I didn't

;,ass the first time out

STAN:

!Did you pass the second time?

(CONTINUED)

,.. VINNY

No, I'm afraid not

STAN:

(hopefully)

Three time's a charm?

VINNY:

Not tor me it isn't. No, tor me,

six times is a charm ••• I'm

illtle dyslexic,

STAN:

(aghast)

Six times ••• it just gets worse

and worse

VINNY:

No, that's it, that's as bad as

it gets, it don't get no worse

than this

,.-

I I:

INT. COURTROOM- DAY

Vinny walks through the empty courtroom

INT. JUDGE'S CHAMBERS- JUDGE AND VINNY - LATE AFTERNOON

The most noticeable thing about the

expanse of books lining the walls

JUDGE CHAMBERLAIHNA LLER. Vinny is

no jacket or tie

JUDGE:

judge's

Vinny's

wearing

A little informal aren't we? Not

wearing a coat or tie

VINNY:

Oh. Sorry

JUDGE:

Well, approving an attorney from

out of state is a pretty informal

matter. I just have a few

questions

VINNY:

Fire away, Judge

JUDGE:

Where did you go to law school?

VINNY:

Brooklyn Academy of Law

chambers is the vast

seated in front of

a shirt and pants,

Vinny looks up and sees the judge's law diploma - from Yale

-sununa cum laude

JUDGE:

The Brooklyn Academy of Law? Is

that an accredited law school?

The judge's sul:
)tly elitist response makes Vinny instantly feel

he has somehow flunked the first question

VINNY:

(lies)

Oh ••• yes

JUDGE:

How long have you been practicing?

VINNY:

(succumbs to lying big)

I'd say about ••• oh ••• six ••• almost

six •.. sixteen years

(CONTINUED)

JUDGE:

Any murder cases?

VINNY:

Oh, quite a few, yes

JUDGE:

And what was the outcome?

VINNY:

Well, you know:
win some, lose

some

JUDGE:

This is not the forum to be

cavalier

VINNY:

Of course not, lemme see, most

recently I had an ax murder -which

I won on grounds of temporary

insanity - would you like to hear

the facts of the case?

JUDGE:

No .• What else?

VINNY:

I had a cop killer ••

(shakes head)

.•. lost that one

JUDGE:

Good

VINNY:

You've heard of Son of Sam?

JUDGE:

The fellah who received orders

to kill from a dawg?

VINNY:

Yes, that's right

JUDGE:

You defended him?

VINNY:

I defended the first guy they

arrested - who was found innocent

Then they caught the real guy

(CONTINUED)

i -~- . -~·

2 5 CONTINUED:
( 2)

Vinny's trying to impress the judge has a deleterious effect

-the judge has a fear of appearing backwards

JUDGE:

Well ..• we don't have any 'serial

killers' in BeechUJD County, but

what we do have is every bit as

sophisticated a system of justice

as they do in the rest of the

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