My Dinner with Andre Page #7

And we were all asked to sit at the table

and to make out our last will and testament.

You know, to think about and write down

whatever our last words were to the world...

...or to somebody we were very close to.

And that's quite a task.

I must have been there for about

an hour and a half or so, maybe two.

And then one at a time they would ask

one of us to come with them...

...and I was one of the last.

And they came for me,

and they put a blindfold on me...

...and they ran me through these fields...

two people.

And they'd found a kind of potting shed...

you know, a kind of shed, on the grounds...

...a little tiny room

that had once had tools in it.

And they took me down the steps,

into this basement...

...and the room was just filled

with harsh white light.

Then they told me to get undressed

and give them all my valuables.

Then they put me on a table,

and they sponged me down.

Well, you know, I just started flashing

on-on-on death camps and secret police.

I don't know what happened to the other people,

but I just started to cry uncontrollably.

Uh, then-then they got me to my feet

and they took photographs of me, naked.

And then naked, again blindfolded,

I was run through these forests...

...and we came to a kind of tent made of sheets,

with sheets on the ground.

And there were all these naked bodies...

...huddling together

for warmth against the cold.

Must have been left there

for about an hour.

And then again, one by one,

one at a time, we were led out.

The blindfold was put on...

...and I felt myself being lowered

onto something like a stretcher.

And the stretcher was carried a long way,

very slowly, through these forests...

...and then I felt myself

being lowered into the ground.

They had, in fact, dug six graves...

...eight feet deep.

And then I felt these pieces of wood

being put on me.

And I cannot tell you, Wally,

what I was going through.

And then the stretcher was lowered

into the grave...

...and then this wood was put on me...

...and then my valuables were put on me,

in my hands.

And they'd taken, you know,

a kind of sheet or canvas...

...and they'd stretched about this much

above my head...

...and then they shoveled dirt

into the grave...

...so that I really had the feeling

of being buried alive.

And after being in the grave

for about half an hour...

I mean, I didn't know how long

I'd be in there...

I was resurrected,

lifted out of the grave...

...blindfold taken off,

and run through these fields.

And we came to a great circle of fire,

with music and hot wine...

...and everyone danced until dawn.

And then at dawn...

...to the best of our ability,

we filled up the graves...

...and went back to New York.

And that was really the last big event.

I mean, that was the end.

I mean, you know, I began to realize...

I just didn't want to do these things

anymore, you know?

I felt sort of becalmed, you know,

like that chapter in Moby Dick...

...where the wind goes out of the sails.

And then last winter, without, uh,

thinking about it very much...

I went to see this agent I know to tell him

I was interested in directing plays again.

Actually,

he seemed a little surprised...

...to see that Rip Van Winkle

was still alive.

Mmm.

God.

I didn't know they were so small.

Well,you know, frankly...

I'm sort of repelled by the whole story,

if you really want to know.

- What?

- Ah, you know...

Who did I think I was, you know?

I mean, that's the story of some kind

of spoiled princess, you know.

Who did I think I was,

the Shah of Iran?

You know, I really wonder if people such

as myself are really not Albert Speer, Wally.

- You know, Hitler's architect, Albert Speer?

- What?

No, I've been thinking a lot about him recently

because, uh, I think I am Speer.

And I think it's time that I was caught

and tried the way he was.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, he was a very cultivated man,

an architect, an artist, you know...

...so he thought the ordinary rules of life

didn't apply to him either.

I mean, I really feel

that everything I've done...

...is horrific,just horrific.

My God. But why?

You see...You see, I've seen a lot of death

in the last few years, Wally...

...and there's one thing

that's for sure about death...

You do it alone, you see.

That seems quite certain, you see.

That I've seen. That the people

around your bed mean nothing.

Your reviews mean nothing.

Whatever it is, you do it alone.

And so the question is, when I get on my

deathbed, what kind of a person am I gonna be?

And I'm just very dubious about the kind

of person who would have lived his life...

...those last few years the way I did.

Why should you feel that way?

You see, I've had a very rough time

in the last few months, Wally.

Three different people in my family

were in the hospital at the same time.

Then my mother died.

Then Marina had something wrong with her back,

and we were terribly worried about her.

You know, so... So, I mean,

I'm feeling very raw right now.

I mean, uh... I mean, I can't sleep,

my nerves are shot.

I mean, I'm affected by everything.

You know, la-last week I had this really nice

director from Norway over for dinner...

...and he's someone

I've known for years and years...

...and he's somebody

that I think I'm quite fond of.

And I was sitting there just thinking

that he was a pompous, defensive...

...conservative stuffed shirt

who was only interested in the theater.

He was talking and talking. His mother

had been a famous Norwegian comedienne.

I realized he had said " I remember my mother"

at least 400 times during the evening.

And he was telling story after story

about his mother.

You know, I'd heard these stories

He was drinking this whole bottle

of bourbon very quietly.

His laugh was so horrible.

You know, I could hear his laugh...

the pain in that laugh, the hollowness.

You know, what being that woman's son

had done to him.

You know, so at a certain point I just had

to ask him to leave... Nicely, you know.

I told him I had to get up early

the next morning, 'cause it was so horrible.

It was just as if he had died

in my living room.

You know, then I went into the bathroom

and cried 'cause I felt I'd lost a friend.

And then after he'd gone,

I turned the television on...

...and there was this guy who had

just won the something-something.

Some sports event... Some kind of a great big

check and some kind of huge silver bottle.

And he, you know... He couldn't stuff

the check in the bottle...

...and he put the bottle in front of his nose

and pretended it was his face.

He wasn't really listening

to the guy who was interviewing him...

...but he was smiling malevolently at his friends,

and I looked at that guy and I thought...

"What a horrible, empty,

manipulative rat. "

Then I thought, " That guy is me. "

Then last night actually, you know,

it was our 20th wedding anniversary...

...and I took Chiquita to see

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