My Fair Lady Page #13

"Why can't a woman

be more like a man?

"Men are so decent

Such regular chaps

"Ready to help you

Through any mishaps

"Ready to buck you up

Whenever you are glum

"Why can't a woman be a chum?

"Why is thinking

Something women never do?

"And why is logic never even tried?

"Straightening up their hair

Is all they ever do

"Why don't they straighten up

The mess that's inside?

"Why can't a woman behave like a man?

"If I was a woman

Who'd been to a ball

"Been hailed as a princess

By one and by all

"Would I start weeping

Like a bathtub overflowing?

"Or carry on as if my home were in a tree?

"Would I run off

And never tell me where I'm going?

"Why can't a woman be like me?"

You mean that after you'd done

this wonderful thing for them...

...without making a mistake...

...they just sat there

and never said a word?

Never petted you, or admired you,

or told you how splendid you'd been?

Not a word.

They just congratulated each other

on how marvelous they'd been.

The next moment, how glad they were

it was all over...

...and what a bore it had all been.

This is appalling. I should not

have thrown my slippers at him.

I should have thrown the fire irons.

Who's that?

Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long.

MRS. HIGGINS:
Now, remember...

...you not only danced with a prince

last night, you behaved like a princess.

Mother, the most confounded thing...

Do you-

You!

Good afternoon, Professor Higgins.

Are you quite well?

Of course you are. You are never ill.

Would you care for some tea?

Don't you dare try that game on me.

I taught it to you.

Get up, come home and stop being a fool.

You've caused me enough trouble.

Very nicely put indeed, Henry.

No woman could resist such an invitation.

How did this baggage get here?

Eliza came to see me this morning

and I was delighted to have her.

If you don't promise to behave yourself

I'll ask you to leave.

I'm to put on my Sunday manners

for this...

...thing that I created out of the squashed

cabbage leaves of Covent Garden?

That's precisely what I mean.

I'll see her damned first.

However did you learn good manners

with my son around?

It was very difficult. I should never have

known how ladies and gentlemen behave...

...if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering.

He showed me that he felt

and thought about me...

...as if I were something better

than a common flower girl.

You see, Mrs. Higgins,

apart from the things one can pick up...

...the difference between a lady

and a flower girl isn't how she behaves...

...but how she is treated.

I'll always be a flower girl

to Professor Higgins...

...because he always treats me

as a flower girl and always will.

I'll always be a lady to Colonel Pickering...

...because he always treats me

as a lady and always will.

Henry, don't grind your teeth.

The bishop is here.

Shall I show him into the garden?

The bishop and the professor?

Good heavens, no!

I should be excommunicated.

I'll see him in the library.

Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things...

...I give you full permission

to have him evicted.

Henry, I suggest you stick to two subjects:

the weather and your health.

You've had a bit of your own back,

as you say.

Have you had enough and will you

be reasonable or do you want any more?

You want me back to pick up

your slippers...

...and put up with your tempers

and fetch and carry for you.

I didn't say I wanted you back at all.

Then what are we talking about?

Well, about you, not about me.

If you come back you'll be treated

as you always have.

I can't change my nature or my manners.

My manners are exactly

the same as Colonel Pickering's.

That's not true. He treats a flower girl

as if she were a duchess.

I treat a duchess

as if she was a flower girl.

I see. The same to everybody.

The great secret is not a question

of good manners...

...or bad manners

or any particular sort of manner...

...but having the same manner

for all human souls.

The question is not

whether I treat you rudely...

...but whether you've ever heard me

treat anyone else better.

I don't care how you treat me.

I don't mind your swearing at me.

I shouldn't mind a black eye.

I've had one before this.

But I won't be passed over!

Get out of my way,

for I won't stop for you.

You talk about me as though

I was a motorbus.

So you are a motorbus. All bounce and go

and no consideration for anybody.

But I can get along without you.

Don't you think I can't!

I know you can. I told you, you could.

You've never wondered, I suppose,

whether...

...whether I could get along without you?

Don't you try to get around me.

You'll have to.

So I can, without you or any soul on earth.

I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learned

something from your idiotic notions.

I confess that humbly and gratefully.

Well, you have my voice

on your gramophone.

When you feel lonely without me you can

turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt.

Well, I can't turn your soul on.

You are a devil!

You can twist the heart in a girl

just as easily...

...as some can twist her arms to hurt her.

What am I to come back for?

For the fun of it. That's why I took you on.

You may throw me out tomorrow

if I don't do everything you want.

Yes. And you may walk out tomorrow

if I don't do everything you want.

And live with my father?

Yes, or sell flowers.

Would you rather marry Pickering?

I wouldn't marry you if you asked me

and you're nearer my age then what he is.

- Than he is.

- I'll talk as I like, you're not my teacher.

That's not what I want

and don't you think it is.

I've always had chaps enough

wanting me that way.

Freddy Hill writes me twice

and three times a day. Sheets and sheets.

In short, you want me to be

as infatuated about you as he is, is that it?

No, I don't. That's not the sort of feeling

I want from you.

I want a little kindness.

I know I'm a common, ignorant girl,

and you're a book-learned gentleman...

...but I'm not dirt under your feet.

What I done... what I did was not

for the taxis and the dresses...

...but because we were pleasant together

and I come to... came...

...to care for you.

Not to want you to make love to me...

...and not forgetting the difference

between us, but...

...more friendly like.

Well, of course. That's how I feel.

And how Pickering feels.

Eliza, you're a fool!

That's not the proper answer.

It's the only answer

till you stop being an idiot.

To be a lady, you must stop

feeling neglected...

...if men don't spend half their time

sniveling over you...

...and the other half giving you black eyes.

You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish,

don't you?

Off with you to the sort of people you like.

Marry a sentimental hog

with lots of money...

...and thick lips to kiss you,

and thick boots to kick you.

If you can't appreciate what you have,

then get what you can appreciate.

I can't talk to you.

You always turn everything against me.

I'm always in the wrong.

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