My Fair Lady Page #4

with a broomstick.

At the end of six months,

you shall be taken to Buckingham Palace...

...in a carriage, beautifully dressed.

If the king finds out

that you are not a lady...

...the police will take you to the Tower

of London where your head will be cut off...

...as a warning to other

presumptuous flower girls.

But if you are not found out,

you shall have a present of...

...seven and six to start life with

as a lady in a shop.

If you refuse this offer...

...you will be the most ungrateful,

wicked girl...

...and the angels will weep for you!

Are you satisfied, Pickering?

I don't understand

what you're talking about.

Could I put it more plainly or fairly,

Mrs. Pearce?

Come with me.

That's right.

Bundle her off to the bathroom.

You're a great bully, you are!

I won't stay here if I don't like it.

I won't let nobody wallop me!

Don't answer back, girl.

I've always been a good girl, I 'ave.

In six months... in three,

if she has a good ear and a quick tongue...

...I'll take her anywhere

and I'll pass her off as anything.

I'll make a queen

of that barbarous wretch!

ELIZA:
I've never had a bath in me life.

Not what you'd call a proper one.

You know you can't be a nice girl inside

if you're dirty outside.

I'll have to put you in here.

This will be your bedroom.

I couldn't sleep in here, missus.

It's too good for the likes o' me.

I should be afraid to touch anythin'.

I ain't a duchess yet, you know.

What's this?

This where you wash clothes?

This is where we wash ourselves, Eliza.

And where I'm going to wash you.

You expect me to get into that

and wet meself all over?

Not me!

I shall catch me death.

Come along now.

Come along.

Take your clothes off.

Come on, girl, do as you're told.

Take your clothes off.

Here, come on. Help me take these-

Take your hands off me!

I'm a good girl, I am!

It ain't right! It ain't decent!

ELIZA:
Get your hands off me!

ELIZA:
I'm a good girl, I am!

Forgive the bluntness,

but if I'm to be in this business...

...I shall feel responsible for the girl.

I hope it's clearly understood that

no advantage is to be taken of her position.

What, that thing? Sacred, I assure you.

Come now, you know what I mean.

This is no trifling matter.

Are you a man of good character

where women are concerned?

Have you ever met a man of good

character where women are concerned?

Yes, very frequently.

I haven't. The moment I let a woman

make friends with me...

...she becomes jealous, exacting...

...suspicious and a damned nuisance.

The moment that I make friends with

a woman I become selfish and tyrannical.

So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor

and likely to remain so.

Well, after all, Pickering...

"I'm an ordinary man

"Who desires nothing more

"Than just an ordinary chance

"To live exactly as he likes

"And do precisely what he wants

"An average man, am I

"Of no eccentric whim

"Who likes to live his life

"Free of strife

"Doing whatever he thinks is best for him

"Oh, just an ordinary man

"But let a woman in your life

"And your serenity is through

"She'll redecorate your home

From the cellar to the dome

"Then go on to the enthralling fun

of overhauling you!

"Let a woman in your life

"And you are up against a wall

"Make a plan and you will find

She has something else in mind

"So rather than do either

You do something else that neither

"Likes at all!

"You want to talk of Keats or Milton

"She only wants to talk of love

"You go to see a play or ballet

"And spend it searching for her glove

"Let a woman in your life

"And you invite eternal strife

"Let them buy their wedding bands

"For those anxious little hands

"I'd be equally as willing

For a dentist to be drilling

"Than to ever let a woman in my life!

"I'm a very gentle man

"Even-tempered and good-natured

Whom you never hear complain

"Who has the milk of human kindness

By the quart in every vein

"A patient man am I

Down to my fingertips

"The sort who never could

Ever would

"Let an insulting remark escape his lips

"A very gentle man

"But let a woman in your life

"And patience hasn't got a chance

"She will beg you for advice

Your reply will be concise

"And she'll listen very nicely

"Then go out and do precisely

What she wants!

"You were a man of grace and polish

"Who never spoke above a hush

"Now all at once you're using language

"That would make a sailor blush

"Let a woman in your life

"And you're plunging in a knife!

"Let the others of my sex

"Tie the knot around their necks

"I'd prefer a new edition

Of the Spanish Inquisition

"Than to ever let a woman in my life

"I'm a quiet-living man

"Who prefers to spend the evenings

"In the silence of his room

"Who likes an atmosphere as restful

"As an undiscovered tomb

"A pensive man am I

Of philosophic joys

"Who likes to meditate, contemplate

"Free from humanity's mad, inhuman noise

"A quiet-living man

"But let a woman in your life

"And your sabbatical is through

"In a line that never ends

Come an army of her friends

"Come to jabber and to chatter

And to tell her

"What the matter is with you!

"She'll have a booming, boisterous family

"Who will descend on you en masse

"She'll have a large, Wagnerian mother

"With a voice that shatters glass!

"Let a woman in your life"

"I shall never let a woman...

"... in my life! "

Get out of 'ere.

Jamie, you get out, too!

Come on, Doolittle. And remember,

drinks is to be paid for or not drunk.

Thanks for your 'ospitality, George.

Send the bill to Buckingham Palace.

Well, Alfie, there's nothin' else to do.

I guess it's back to work.

Work! Don't you dare mention

that word in my presence again.

Look at all these poor blighters down here.

I used to do that sort of thing once.

Just for exercise.

It's not worth it. Takes up your whole day.

Don't worry, boys.

We'll get outta this somehow.

How do you think you'll do that?

How? Same as always.

Faith, hope and a little bit o' luck.

"The Lord above gave man

an arm of iron

"So he could do his job and never shirk

"The Lord above gave man

an arm of iron, but

"With a little bit o' luck

With a little bit o' luck

"Someone else'll do the blinkin' work!

"With a little bit

"With a little bit o' luck

You'll never work

"The Lord above made liquor

for temptation

"To see if man could turn away from sin

"The Lord above made liquor

for temptation, but

"With a little bit o' luck

With a little bit o' luck

"When temptation comes

you'll give right in.

"With a little bit

"With a little bit

"With a little bit o' luck

You'll give right in.

ALFIE:
"Oh, you can walk

the straight and narrow

"But with a little bit o' luck

you'll run amuck!

"The gentle sex was made

for man to marry

"To share his nest

and see his food is cooked

"The gentle sex was made

for man to marry, but

"With a little bit o' luck

With a little bit o' luck

"You can have it all and not get hooked.

"With a little bit

"With a little bit

"With a little bit o' luck

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