My Fair Lady Page #9

"I won't care if I

"Can be here on the street where you live"

It really is, Higgins.

It's inhuman to continue.

Do you realize what you've got to teach

this girl in six weeks?

You've got to teach her to walk, talk,

address a duke, a lord...

...a bishop, an ambassador.

It's absolutely impossible.

Higgins, I'm trying to tell you

that I want to call off the bet.

I know you're a stubborn man, but so am I.

This experiment is over.

And nothing short of an order

from the king could force me to recant.

Excuse me.

You understand, Higgins? It's over.

Higgins, if there's any mishap

at the Embassy tonight...

...if Miss Doolittle suffers

any embarrassment...

...it'll be on your head alone.

Eliza can do anything.

Suppose she's discovered?

Remember Ascot.

Suppose she makes

another ghastly mistake?

There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering.

PICKERING:
Think of how agonizing

it would be.

If anything happened tonight,

I don't know what I'd do.

You could always rejoin your regiment.

This is no time for flippancy, Higgins.

The way you've driven her

the last six weeks...

...has exceeded all bounds

of common decency.

For God's sake, stop pacing.

Can't you settle somewhere?

Have some port. It'll quieten your nerves.

I'm not nervous.

- Where is it?

- On the piano.

The car's here, sir.

Good. Tell Miss Doolittle.

Tell Miss Doolittle indeed.

I'll bet you that damned gown doesn't fit.

I warned you about these French designers.

We should've gone to an English shop.

They would've been on our side.

- Have a glass of port?

- No, thank you.

Are you so sure this girl will retain

everything you've hammered into her?

Well, we shall see.

PICKERING:
Suppose she doesn't?

I lose my bet.

PICKERING:
There's one thing I can't stand

about you, your confounded complacency.

At a moment like this,

with so much at stake...

...it's utterly indecent

that you don't need a glass of port.

And what about the girl? You act

as though she doesn't matter at all.

Rubbish, Pickering. Of course she matters.

What do you think I've been doing

all these months?

What could possibly matter more

than to take a human being...

...and change her into a different human

being by creating a new speech for her?

It's filling up the deepest gap

that separates class from class...

...and soul from soul.

Oh, she matters immensely.

Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful.

Thank you, Colonel Pickering.

Don't you think so, Higgins?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Maestro! Maestro!

Don't you remember me?

No. Who the devil are you?

I'm your pupil. Your first, your greatest,

your best pupil.

I'm Zoltan Karpathy, that marvelous boy.

I made your name famous

throughout Europe.

You teach me phonetics.

You can't forget me.

Why don't you have your hair cut?

I don't have your imposing appearance,

your figure, your brow.

If I had my hair cut,

nobody would notice me.

Where did you get these old coins?

These are decorations for languages.

The Queen

of Transylvania is here.

I'm indispensable to her

at these official international parties.

I speak 32 languages.

I know everyone in Europe.

No imposter can escape my detection.

Professor Karpathy.

The Greek ambassador.

Greek, my foot!

He pretends not to know English,

but he can't deceive me.

He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker.

He speaks English so villainously

that he cannot utter a word...

...without betraying his origin.

I help him pretend, but make him pay

through the nose. I make them all pay.

Excuse me, sir, you are wanted upstairs.

Her Excellency asked for you.

Viscount and Viscountess Saxon.

Baron and Baroness of Yorkshire.

Sir Guy and Lady Scot-Auckland.

The Count and Countess Demereau.

The Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard.

Mr. and Mrs. Richard Lanser.

Lord and Lady Clanders.

Miss Eliza Doolittle, Colonel Pickering.

Miss Eliza Doolittle. Colonel Pickering.

Professor Higgins.

- Your Excellency.

- Miss Doolittle.

How do you do?

- Good evening, Colonel.

- Good evening.

AMBASSADOR'S WIFE: What an enchanting

young lady you have with you this evening.

Well, who is she?

Oh, a cousin of mine. And Higgins.

Excuse me.

Professor Higgins.

Such a faraway look,

as if she's always lived in a garden.

So she has. A sort of garden.

Henry must take Eliza home at once.

There's a language expert here.

- Sort of, you know, "imposterologist. "

- I beg you pardon?

The young lady with Colonel Pickering...

Find out who she is.

With pleasure.

The whole situation is highly explosive.

Tell me, Zoltan,

some more about the Greek ambassador.

Gladly, but first I would love you

to present me to this glorious creature.

Does he really come from Yorkshire?

Her Majesty,

the Queen of Transylvania...

...and His Royal Highness Prince Gregor.

Charming. Quite charming.

Miss Doolittle, Madam.

Miss Doolittle, my son would like

to dance with you.

Eliza?

PICKERING:
Absolutely fantastic.

A lot of tomfoolery.

PICKERING:

It was an immense achievement.

Well, Mr. Higgins?

A triumph, Mrs. Pearce. A total triumph.

Higgins, you were superb,

absolutely superb.

Tell us the truth now, weren't you

a little bit nervous once or twice?

Not during the whole evening?

Not when I saw we were going to win.

I felt like a bear in a cage hanging about.

It was an immense achievement.

If I hadn't backed myself to do it,

I'd have given up two months ago.

Absolutely fantastic.

Yes, a lot of tomfoolery.

Higgins, I salute you.

The silly people don't know

their own silly business.

"Tonight, old man, you did it

You did it, you did it

"You said that you would do it

And indeed you did

"I thought that you would rue it

I doubted you'd do it

"But now I must admit it

That succeed you did

"You should get a medal

Or be even made a knight

"Oh, it was nothing, really nothing

"All alone you hurdled

Every obstacle in sight

"Now wait, now wait

Give credit where it's due

"A lot of the glory goes to you

"But you're the one who did it

Who did it, who did it

"As sturdy as Gibraltar

Not a second did you falter

"There's no doubt about it

"You did it!

"I must have aged a year tonight

At times I thought I'd die of fright

"Never was there a momentary lull

"Shortly after we came in

I saw at once we'd easily win

"And after that I found it deadly dull

PICKERING:
"You should have heard

The 'oohs' and 'aahs'

"Everyone wondering who she was

"You'd think they'd never seen

a lady before

"And when the Prince of Transylvania

Asked to meet her

"And gave his arm to lead her to the floor

"I said to him:
'You did it

You did it, you did it'

"They thought she was ecstatic

And so damned aristocratic

"And they never knew

That you...

"... did it"

Thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy.

If it hadn't been for him

I would've died of boredom.

Karpathy? That dreadful Hungarian?

Was he there?

Yes, he was there all right

and up to his old tricks.

"That blackguard

Who uses the science of speech

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