My Fake Fiance Page #3

- You do look great.

Why, thank you, Vince.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Where are we going?

- The Monkey wants to see you.

- He didn't want to send a car?

- Monkey's gone green.

Hey, how do you spell 'cliche'?

-What?

-What? You got wax in your ears?

That's a simple question. How do you spell 'cliche'?

- C-l-i-c-h-e.

- Show me.

- Hey, this is, this is my dictionary.

- Told you.

No, it isn't. I bought it at a flea market.

"To Vince on the occasion of his high-school graduation.

I am so proud of you. Love, Mom."

-Coincidence.

-Look, just consider it interest on the loan. Now show him.

Right here.

Cliche - a very predictable or un...

- Unoriginal.

- ..unoriginal person or thing.

- You think I'm predictable?

- Yeah, I do.

What am I going to do now?

Punch me in the face.

- Wrong. I'm going to punch you in the shoulder.

- Ow!

Vince, now you'll need some ice on that.

You think I'm an idiot, don't you? I'm just some dumb monkey

that'll fall for this stupid scheme.

Look, I'll get your money, OK?

I've known you for the past, what, five years, Vince?

- Yeah.

- In all that time, I've never seen you have a steady girlfriend.

You're looser with your women than you are with your money.

This wedding is different than that. The wedding...

So excuse me if I just don't buy that you're ready for a life-long commitment,

which means you're either lying to your girl or you're lying to me.

Or maybe he's lying to both of us.

Jennifer, what...? What are you doing here?

- I thought you were done with this, Vince.

- Done with what?

Done with gambling. You told me you'd never do it again,

and here you are being held at gunpoint.

- I'm sorry. I'm Jennifer. I didn't get your name.

- I'm, uh...

It's Eugene.

-Eugene?

-Eugene?

-You can call me Monkey.

-Oh, Mr. Monkey. We spoke on the phone. You gave me Vince's number,

remember?

- I do.

- You have a very nice phone voice.

- Thank you.

Now, how are we supposed to start a life together if I can't trust you?

- How much does he owe?

- 15 grand plus interest.

So, what are we talking about? 8%? Compounding weekly, monthly?

- I'm not really sure. My accountant kind of handles all-

- It really doesn't matter.

What matters is I'm here, Vince, and I know about your debt and

about your philandering past,

and I'm here to help, OK? But we have to be completely honest

with each other.

No more...no more secrets.

No more...no more secrets.

She's very supportive.

- OK

- That's all you've got to say?

No more secrets. I will never lie to you again. I just wanted to

give you that honeymoon in Italy.

Well, I guess our vacation will just have to turn into a stay-cation.

But, you know, Rome can't compare to our morning cuddles.

- Oh, I love to spoon, man.

- I love pillow talk.

Well, Mr Monkey, Eugene, I'll talk to you about Vince's debt right

after the wedding.

I've got to get this guy out of here. He's meeting the parents tonight.

Vince, you want me to shoot you now, man?

Hey, don't make him any more nervous than he already is.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

I expect an invitation to the wedding, plus two guests.

- Actually, we were thinking about elope...

- OK. Sure. Uh, fish or beef?

- Beef.

- Beef.

- Fish for me.

I'm watching my girlish figure.

Oh, and you've got a month to get this done.

- A month?

- I'm not sure it can happen that soon.

Sometimes you have to book a year in advance just to reserve

the space.

I'm sentimental, but I'm not stupid. One month. And under the

circumstances, the sweetness clause will be in effect.

- The sweetness clause?

- A technicality. Nothin' to concern-yourself with.

Now, Vince, give this lovely lady a kiss. I mean, after all, she did

save your life.

- I-I.. Actually, we don't believe in public displays of affection.

- Yeah. It's tacky.

Yeah, it is. Very much against that.

Well, you'll have to kiss her in front of everyone you know. You might

as well start practising.

Come on. She's your fiancee, not your cousin. Give her a kiss.

Yeah, that's what's up

That's more like it. You got yourself a good lady, Vince.

I don't know how you did it, but you did it. It'll be a shame

if she was a widow before she got married.

You got one month. Not a day more.

Oh, and, Vince, good luck with the in-laws. Tell them I said hi.

- Hey, Eugene, that was nice.

- Monkey.

- Yeah.

- Monkey.

What are you doing?

One month? Everyone's gonna think I'm pregnant.

I'm about to get killed by gangsters and that's what you're

worried about?

Look, I take my reputation very seriously.

Trust me, the last thing anyone would call you is loose.

And what is that supposed to mean?

We have bigger fish to fry, OK? Like how we can afford the wedding.

Wait a minute, aren't the bride's parents supposed to pay?

No way. We are not asking my parents to pay for our fake wedding.

We'll just have to figure something else out. Besides, they're still freaking

out that I'm engaged.

- How did they find out?

- Courtney told Lisa,

who told her mother, who told her podiatrist, who told my Aunt Dolly,

who told my mother.

What did they say?

I think her exact words were, "miracles do happen."

- They got you pegged.

Listen, my parents aren't the easiest people in the world to get along with,

so just try not to say anything that's going to tick them off or make

them suspicious or...

let me do all the talking, OK? The less they know about you, the better.

I see. This really has nothing to do with your parents at all, does it?

It has to do with me.

You don't think your parents will like me, do you?

- No, I know they won't like you. They'll think I'm crazy.

- Oh, please. I'm a catch.

Oh, please. You're like a 30-year-old man-child who has no friends,

no money in the bank and no apparent ambition.

My parents will be so proud!

We'll see.

Remember, no talking. You're my mute fiance.

Mom! Hey! There she is!

Oh, my goodness, I cannot believe this! Forget that. Give me a hug.

Wow! It is so good to meet you, really. I have heard so much

about you, it's ridiculous.

- Oh my God, show me the ring. Show me the ring!

- Oh, the ring?

Actually, um, Mom, there is no ring.

- Oh, seriously. Come on, where's the ring?

- No, there is no ring.

Jennifer and I were talking about it, and we decided to wait until we can

afford to buy the type of ring that she deserves.

One as beautiful as her spirit, which I can tell she got from her mother.

- Enough.

- Ow. Dad!

- Hey!

- Wow, he is really spirited.

- Yeah.

Sweetie, is that the dress I gave you?

- Yeah, actually, it is.

- Oh, how strange.

You know, it just looks so different on the hanger.

It just goes to show you should always try things on, huh?

That's Jennifer's sister Bonnie's wedding, and that's her husband, Will.

And these - these are our grandbabies. There's Jonathan and Samantha.

They're so adorable I just want to grab those pictures and eat 'em.

- Oh, yeah.

- Perhaps we'll have some more grandkids soon.

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