My Fake Fiance Page #4

- Hmm.

- Honey, should you be drinking?

- Mom, I told you I'm not pregnant.

It's crazy. I never knew that Jennifer had a sister.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Wait till you meet her. You'll love her. Everybody does.

She was voted most popular at Slosson County High School.

Oh. I have that yearbook here somewhere.

Hon, I'm sure Vince would rather see pictures of Jennifer from high school.

- Oh, we put those in the attic.

- Oh, that's right.

Well, here's one of my graduation day from Harvard.

Right. That was a proud day for all of us. Oh, well.

- Come on, son. Let's eat. You hungry?

- Uh, yeah.

- Got to be a long ride over here.

- Yeah, it is was.

- Yeah.

Thank you so much for having me. Your home is absolutely

gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen a home so beautiful.

- Aw. That's so sweet.

- Did you pay somebody to decorate it?

- No, no.

- I know you paid somebody. This place looks like a magazine.

- A great dinner.

-Amazing. You're one hell of a cook.

-So, Vince, what do you do for a living?

That is a good question, Dad. What do you do for a living, Vince?

- You don't know?

- Well, I, yeah, I just love to hear him explain it.

I'm in investment management. I analyse risk and reward and weigh

them against each other to maximise gain.

Well, I have a little investment money set aside. Maybe you've

got some inside advice for me, Vinnie?

- I've got a lot of ideas. How much have you got?

- Vince, what are you doing?

- Just trying to help out dad.

- What about your family?

We should have them over for dinner. Better yet, why not have us

all over to your new place? Oh, we're dying to see it.

- I don't have a family.

- Um, I'm so sorry.

- I grew up in a foster home.

- Oh, Vince. Why didn't you tell us?

Vince doesn't really like to talk about it.

Oh, it's OK, sweetheart. We're with family now. There were

four other children that lived there too.

There was, um, Joe, Natalie, Blair and, of course, sweet little Tootie.

We were guided through the trials of adolescence by the tender

hand of Mrs Garrett. Well, we always call her Mrs G.

Now, well, you know, Mrs G always taught us to take the good...

..and then take the bad...

and then take them both.

There you have it.

- Wow, it's almost like a song.

- Yeah?

- Sounds like a wise woman.

- I can't wait to meet her. Does she live in the area?

- Who?

- Oh, my mother. Yes.

- Yeah.

She does. Right outside the city. In the complete opposite direction.

- Wonderful. Find out when it would be convenient for her.

- Mom, I haven't met her yet myself.

What? Who gets married without meeting the parents?

I guess we do. Oh, listen, when, uh- when you meet Mrs G, you know,

don't mention the whole foster home thing.

She gets extremely sensitive about it 'cause she always

likes to think of me as her real son.

- Oh, that is so lovely.

- Our lips are sealed.

- Thanks.

- Sweetie, would you help me with the dessert?

- Ooh.

Sure, Mom.

See you in a minute, honey. Whoo!

I'll tell you, Dad, it's really great to get a sense of where

Jennifer comes from.

Yeah. Is she pregnant? Tell me the truth.

- No, she isn't.

- Damn.

Why does that girl not hear her clock ticking?

Everybody else does. 'Tick-tock', 'tick-tock', 'tick-tock'.

Yeah, it's more like , "Bong! Bong! Bong!"

You got that right. High five.Vince, you seem

like a really decent guy,

and I've got to say, I haven't seen Jennifer this happy in a long time.

- Really? She seems happy to you?

- Yeah, it's the happiest I've seen her in years.

- Wow.

- Hon, can you come in the kitchen?

- The potholder is in the bottom drawer.

Memory is the first thing to go, after the sex, of course.

- I can't find 'em.

- OK.

- Now, you two lovebirds try and keep your hands off each other.

- OK, Dad.

Ow. Why do you keep doing that?

Thanks to you, we have to have our parents over to my completely

empty apartment for a meet-and-greet.

What happens when your mom shows up with your dad?

You're not going to have to worry about it, because my dad

left my mom when I was a kid.

What? Let me guess, One Day At A Time?

Your sister was Valerie Bertinelli?

No, seriously, my dad left me when I was a kid. He

tried to get back in my life when I was a teenager,

but it didn't really go over so well, so, um, you know,

we haven't really seen each other since.

Jennifer, we are paying for your wedding.

- Oh, no, no, no. I said we'd take care...

- Honey, let your mother speak.

- No, no, no. It's out of the question.

- Sweetie, be reasonable.

- No, no, no. It's out of the question.

- Sweetie, be reasonable.

- No, I'm sorry, we can't accept your money.

- We can't? I think we can.

In fact, I think we should. How can we deny your mother and

your father the joy?

- Oh.

- Fine.

- Now, there's just one catch.

- We spent your wedding funds.

- What?

- We landscaped the backyard. Doesn't it look great?

- Whoa, you spent my wedding fund?

- We thought we had more time.

- Don't you worry.

We'll just move some money around so we can throw you

the wedding of your dreams.

- It'll be our gift to you.

- Mm-hm.

- Sounds great.

That's great. All right.

- I can't do this.

- This is too heavy?

No, I'm talking about my parents. I can't let them pay for our wedding.

You're giving them joy. Why would you want to hurt their feelings?

Please. They've been hurting my feelings for years. It's payback.

I'm sorry. I can't let them pay for our fake wedding.

- Did they pay for Bonnie's wedding?

- Of course.

- Was it nice?

It was OK if you're into that sort of thing - custom Vera Wang dresses,

horse-drawn carriages, a flock of doves released when they kissed.

My mom still cries when she talks about it.

See? They just want to share that same number with you.

- You're good.

- I'm just saying let them pay for the wedding.

Then when and if you meet Mr Right - it's a big if - you can elope.

- Look, we are going to pay them back.

- It's why we're having the wedding. We have no money,

I have a monkey on my back, and you have an empty apartment.

We're going to pay them back if it takes 10 years, OK? 50/50,

remember? Giving gives you joy.

- I didn't sign up for ten years.

- Well, if you don't like the terms, go find another fake fiancee.

- Fine. We'll pay them back.

- Swear on it.

I swear.

Oh, my God.

- Ooh, it's time for Sports Centre.

- I'm so looking forward to our divorce.

Yeah?

- Hey.

- What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep, so I made myself a little snack. Thought my business

partner might like some.

- Is that tiramisu?

- Yeah. My mom's an amazing cook.

Taught me everything I know. Well, night.

Thanks.

-'Fox puts it up on the left-hand side of the back board.'

- Yes!

Jen, I can't get over your new place. I love what you've done with it.

- Thanks, Dad. I was going for the sweaty-locker-room feel.

- You nailed it.

Don't worry. We'll go register at Not Just Sofas. All of this will go.

- So, what are you ladies talking about over here?

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