My Favorite Five Page #2

Oh, let's see.

Tonight, I have Peter.

Um, I'll have the, uh,

Rosemary chicken, please.

Great. For you?

I'll have the thai pasta salad.

Thai pasta.

All right.

It's coming right up.

Who is Peter?

And why does he determine

what you'll have for lunch?

I call him the back breaker.

I'm gonna need all my strength.

Oh, you're ridiculous!

Don't hate me

Because you are desperate

and I am pleasantly scandalous.

I can teach you.

Mm. I just got Eric fixed.

I'll just end up breaking him

all over again.

Besides, that karma

you're playing with is a b*tch.

No, I don't believe in karma,

And I don't believe in being

constrained by social hypocrisy.

No, you believe in being a ho.

Socially, it is fine

For a man to have

more than one woman,

But 100 years ago,

it was perfectly normal

For women to date

multiple suitors.

Really? Let's see.

You have to check your calendar

Just to see

who you're screwing tonight.

Oh, yeah, that's real normal.

Well, being with one man

isn't normal.

It's like wearing the same dress

for 20 years.

Everyone was created

for someone else.

Oh, really?

Okay, so then why are there

so many

Miserable married people

in the world?

That doesn't mean...

Women simply don't realize

That they can never be satisfied

With just one man.

Here we go.

No, I don't even give

a man my cellphone number.

No, that is too much access.

He can call me at the office

or my home or e-mail me.

He is not gonna have me

on a leash.

You just don't want to commit,

And these men are too stupid

to realize it.

You're an anti-monogamist.

I am not anti anything.

I just know that you cannot

change the nature of a man,

And when an opposing force

won't change, you adapt,

And I have found perfection.

You found polyandry.

Every woman needs five things...

Five perfect man things,

And most women

settle for one or two.

I want it all,

And because it is impossible

to find a man with all of them,

I have found five...

One man for each.

That is so silly.

It is brilliant,

And the only logical solution.

No, no, no, no, no.

Every woman

has the same dilemma...

Trying to turn a man

into something he's not.

Okay.

Tell me why you just have to

have five men at one time,

Besides the obvious

self-serving reasons.

Five... no more, no less.

It is so simple, really.

Every woman needs a bad boy.

That's where t.I. Comes in.

It's not just because they

want to go against the grain.

It is because you know

no one is gonna mess with him.

Ooh, that's my song!

Man, I just want to

do your homework.

What's your name, huh?

Been watching you, girl,

all night.

Ooh.

Can I get your name?

What's up, man?

You can't beat

Having your own personal

body guard.

He's not just a pack of meat.

He is always there

when you need him.

Thank you, t.I.

You're welcome.

I'm gonna just stick around here

just in case y'all need me.

Just... let me get over here.

Just... oh, okay.

Hey, muscle is not enough.

Eventually, you're gonna have to

talk to him.

The hell I do.

Pshh, I don't even have to

sleep with him.

He is enamored

just by being with me.

Mm.

And of course, there's romance.

Oh, every woman needs romance...

A man who is so smooth,

so sugary sweet,

Every phone call

leaves your face sticky.

Mm! Look, this is what

James sent me this morning.

"I am but a fish

caught in your net",

"Longing not for the release,

"But to be devoured

by your grace.

"While I burn over the fire,

yes, but I say let it burn.

You are more than worthy

of the pain."

Oh, this is really sad.

Please, don't hate.

Why are you

playing with this man?

I am not playing with him.

It is a mutually-beneficial

arrangement.

James has a need to be romantic.

It's in his DNA.

Most women

would question his manhood,

But I am evolved enough

to appreciate his softer side.

Yeah, that's only because

Somebody else is banging

your head against the headboard.

Shh! Keep it down!

What?

Not like you're ashamed.

No, but discretion is the key.

What about the other three?

Okay.

Then there's intellect.

Mm.

The pillar

of social accomplishment

And the mental stimuli

to hash out political rhetoric.

It's a ridiculous

notion, really.

I mean, their failure

to gain bipartisanship

Will ultimately

lead to an independent nation.

How can you say that?

Republicans and democrats

have to eventually agree

On the foremost issues

to maintain government.

Hailey, it's never happened

and it never will.

Antidisestablishmentarianism

will never die.

Disproportionableness,

incomprehensibility.

It's absurd.

Damn, you're sexy.

Then there's provision...

The money man.

Now, he doesn't have to be rich.

Just well-off enough

to meet your needs.

You make great money.

That doesn't mean

I want to spend it.

Wow.

You look absolutely stunning

this evening.

Thank you.

You're gonna be

the most beautiful woman

At the opera by far.

Oh.

Oh, wait, I think

I-i lost an earring.

Why not wear these?

Really? They're beautiful.

They're trinkets.

We're just getting started.

I was thinking, after the opera,

We could helicopter over

to catalina for the weekend.

Uh, but I-i didn't pack

anything.

Oh, I took the liberty

Of having hailey's

personal assistant,

Uh, do a little shopping run.

The bags are in the car.

That is so sweet.

Mm.

But next time,

I would really like to do

my own shopping.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

One minute.

Worthington.

Yes, sir.

Fuel up the jet.

We're going shopping.

Paris.

Right away, sir.

You look beautiful.

Oh, right.

Then the best one of all...

Seduction.

That would be Peter.

Finally,

the wonder horse of the bunch.

Are you kidding?

Oh, this man is a master

Akin to the greatest magicians

spread throughout history.

This man, you have met before.

I don't think so.

Think about the last time

You did something

you never thought you would.

- No!

- Yes, that man.

Oh, I'm late. I got to go.

I'll have to finish

this education a little later.

Okay, just remember one thing.

Compromise begins and ends

in disappointment.

Ciao.

Oh.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Wow.

Oh.

That was...

Better than "hip-hop abs."

Am i...

Am I glowing?

Am I glowing?

Damn, yes.

This time,

I wrote my name on there.

Whoo!

One more?

- I see you.

- Hailey:

I see it. I see it.

Mm-mm.

Ah!

Phew.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Everything okay?

Everything's perfect.

Shouldn't you

be getting ready for work?

I took the night off.

- Oh.

- Mm-hmm.

That's nice.

Mm.

Hmm.

- I am so, so exhausted

- Peter:

I have so much work

to do tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So... I've been thinking.

Mm.

About what?

You.

Why not you?

Why not me what?

Why not... you?

I think this is

The right thing to do.

I didn't... oh! Okay!

Are you out of

your freakin' mind?!

- Okay, here's the...

- Get out!

- But I thought that...

- You that what,

That this was w-w-what, "little

house on the freakin' prairie"?!

Ow. Okay. Okay.

Now, look, okay?

Do you know what you've done?

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