My Favorite Martian Page #3

Oh, hello!

-Greetings.

-Oh, I'm sorry to catch you

in your... pyjamas.

-Pyjamas? - Where's the spaceship?

- Spaceship?

-Right here.

Oh, for the rummage sale!

Does it come with an action figure?

-You're looking at him.

-Oh. I don't believe we've met.

-No, don't touch him! He's a Martian.

-Tim, what's going on?

-I beg your- Mart- Martin?

-Yes. Martin.

-No, no, no, no!

-He's a- uh-

-Uncle!

-Martin.

-Oh.

-Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

-He turns invisible, okay?

His suit talks-

he's got a talking suit.

He's got these things that

pop out of his head- You just-

-Show her. Go ahead.

Come on, give her the finger.

-Tim!

No, I didn't mean that.

I don't know what I mean. Forget it.

You'll have to forgive Tim, Mrs. Brown.

He lost his job last night,

and he's experiencing

a nervous breakdown.

Oh, poor dear.

-I hope it doesn't affect the rent.

-Don't worry,

I'm here to look after him.

-Ha!

He's very lucky to have

an uncle like you in his life, Martin.

And you, Mrs. Brown,

are like a brilliant quasar

in the black hole of my day.

Oh! Call me Lorelei.

Lorelei.

The sound of...

pure mountain spring water

from the centre of the Earth.

Oh, my.

Oh!

I obviously misconstrued a custom.

I apologize.

I'm from... New York.

No, actually, it's- It's fine.

It's perfect.

-Oh, brother.

-Oh, Martin?

Yes, Lorelei?

Um, Mr. Brown... passed away

several years ago.

-I thought you might like to know that.

-Hmm.

Au revoir.

Hmm?

Just for the record,

a handshake will do for me.

You think that I actually enjoyed...

tasting that female's exoskeleton?

I merely used my data on

your primitive species to determine...

the optimum way

to avoid suspicion.

-Yeah, but what's the optimum

way to get home?

- Blotz!

I don't know, Zoot. Where on this

barbaric swamp of a planet...

can we find the makings

of an electron accelerator?

-Maybe your new girlfriend has one.

-Oh, that's very funny.

Excuse me. Fellas,

I don't mean to interrupt, but...

I-I, you know, I think I might be able

to help you find that electron thing.

We're toast.

I don't believe this.

You really think you can...

repair your ship

with all this junk?

Everything has been carefully chosen

for its potential to fashion...

a crude vortex electron accelerator.

Except for this.

A pooper scooper.

I have no idea what it does,

but it's fascinating.

Excuse me. Where are your

nuclear implosion couplers?

For a garden hose?

I'm never going to get off

this infernal planet.

The I.Q. of a pancake.

You're right. Humans are truly

the amoebas of the universe!

Yeah, this from a guy

who talks to his tin foil suit.

-Hey, what was that for?

-It wasn't me, it was Zoot.

-Come here a sec.

Listen, you've been on Earth,

what, all of ten minutes?

-It's not so bad here.

- That's what Neenurt said.

-Who?

-Exactly. One of my planet's

most gifted scientists,

and now he's gone without a trace.

He arrived on Earth in 1964,

and, I presume, was abducted

by your government.

I shudder to think what they did to him

in the name of science.

-What are they laughing at?

- Hey, space man!

-I've been discovered!

-Sorry about that.

-Oh, my-

-What happened?

They don't know anything.

They were just making fun of your-

Making fun. I'm one of

the best-dressed beings on my planet.

Yo, Elvis! Nice suit.

Well, Dorothy, I hate to tell you this,

but you're not in Kansas any more.

That's great.

The minute I turn my back,

you're getting into

someone else's pants!

I need to blend in,

and you stand out like a putt

stick at a blackbell convention.

I should have known

by the way you've been gawking...

at every T-shirt

and sweat pant we pass.

-Don't come apart at the seams!

-Why is Zoot always the last to know?

-All right, all right, all right!

-Martian footage, take one.

-Zoot, this is tearing me apart too.

I know I'm not what I used to be.

I mean, a stretch mark here,

a line stain there.

-Hey!

-Pervert!

It's not safe

for a woman around here!

I'm ready to blend in now.

-Outstanding.

-Martin, that outfit looks ridic-

-Stylin', bro!

-Thanks, bro.

Real cool.

I've got the touch on two planets.

I gotta get out more.

How did your Zoot take the-

Zoot, he's highly intelligent.

He understands.

Aaaah!

You used me, you buttonhole!

-Go and have your fling.

Colours fade! You'll see!

-Hello?

-Huh? Oh, incoming.

Hello?

Man.

Oh, geez!

Talk about a tacky suit!

-Tacky, huh?

Hey! Hey! What?

-Now turn the other cheek.

-Ow! Hey!

-Catch you later, Spanky.

All right, I'm bustin' out!

-There.

-Go ahead, try 'em all on.

See if I care.

Whoa!

If love is a crime, lock me up!

I'm guilty.

Look at her.

A perfect size six,

and never been worn!

Darling, don't speak.

Just come to me.

Oh, this is crazy.

I'm a polymorph, and you're a polyester.

Yes, you're synthetic,

but I like that in a girl!

Give me some thread, baby!

-Oh, what's this, Velcro? Ohh!

-Zoot!

Ah! No, thank you, little girl,

I don't want to buy any cookies!

You lecherous leotard!

Have you no shame?

Look who's talking,

Mr. Clothes Horse!

Now, in you go, or you'll take

a long walk on a short hanger.

Coming in for a landing!

Flaps down!

-I said bag it, mister!

All right, all right, you don't

have to throw me in the hamper.

Dork.

-Next time, the dry cleaner.

-Bite these.

You- Blasted nurplex!

Oh, Venus, Neptune!

-Help me, Tim!

-Mm-hmm.

Tim, it's a little blue one!

No!

Give me that,

you age-impaired little blotz.

Mine! Gum!

-Mine! Nurplex!

Why wouldn't you give

the kid a piece of gum?

Okay, sure, right.

Here, have one.

-Come on, let's go. No, no, come on.

-What are you doing?

-What are you doing?

-Trust me.

-Not the finger! Don't do the finger!

-Try some.

-Why?

-You don't want to try Martian gum?

-No, not particularly.

-Afraid, Earthling?

You know what, that is not bad.

-The centre's got

a nice little zing to it.

-Notice anything different?

Hmm, no.

No, not really.

What time do you have?

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

-Spit, spit, spit.

-Everything okay in there?

-Zipper trouble.

-Yeeow.

This "gum", as you call,

allows me to take on the outward

appearance of a human being.

On you, it has the reverse effect.

Oh, so that's what you

really look like.

Don't be disgusting.

That was Fluvian Nurplex.

-Oh.

-We carry many different planets.

If you think that was bad,

this is Veenox Seven.

-Oh, well, that's-

-Don't ever mess with a Veenox Seven.

When it comes to Veenox Seven,

just say no.

Me man got fire

Me so on fire

feeling hot, hot, hot

All right, come on, the rest of you,

come on up on stage!

The sun, while you can get it.

The sand, the surf.

Usually, the beach conjures up

images of our youth,

but come on down to Sunset Pier today,

and your contraceptions of-

-Preconceptions!

-Contraceptions.

-Preconceptions!

-Felix!

I said preconceptions!

I swear, preconceptions!

-Billy! Billy!

-Preconceptions!

I know I said preconceptions!

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