My Favorite Wife Page #4

- Not a chance.

- Night, Daddy.

- Good night, Chinch. God bless.

- Just when the party's getting good.

- Night.

- I cut that stuff out a year ago.

- Oh, sorry. Good night.

- Good night. Good night.

- Good night, fella.

Well, I all thought your all performance

was mighty good this evening, sister Ellen.

I thought you'd like that.

- Good night!

- Good night.

Night!

You've done a good job, Nick.

They're nice kids.

- Yeah?

- They're really wonderful.

- Oh, I'm glad you think so.

- Timmy's just like you.

- Oh, sure. Well, he's a bright boy.

- Obstinate, jealous...

Nick, I'm waiting.

In a minute.

- What were you saying?

- I was saying, Timmy's just like you...

...obstinate, jealous, but adorable.

- I feel sorry for the woman who marries him.

- Why?

Because he's a heartbreaker, like you.

Go on, I'm one of the most faithful

husbands that ever lived.

With a wife in every room.

Nick, I'm waiting!

- Are you gonna tell her?

- Sure.

- Well, when?

- Right now.

Of course, it's gonna take tact and delicacy.

She's waiting.

Well, all right, here I go.

Oh, you Casanova, you.

And then we drove all night.

All night!

And when we got home,

he didn't even tell the children.

Oh, Mother, he just ignores me!

What?

I don't care what Father did!

I've never been so humiliated.

I'm not going to stand it another minute.

I'm going to leave him!

Well, I don't care what you say!

I'm going to leave him!

Mother, I'll call you back.

How is your mother?

Your mother's quite nice

once you get to know her.

Do you love me?

Why, Bianca, you're one

of the most attractive girls I know.

I'm your wife!

When I think of how I shopped all afternoon

until I was exhausted...

...hunting a surprise for you,

and you won't even put it on!

Oh, no, Bianca, please.

I'll put it on.

Now, stop. Bianca, I'll put it on right now.

I'll put it on, Bianca.

No, please, stop crying.

Look, Bianca.

Look, Bianca, I'm putting it on.

Please, stop crying, Bianca.

Look. There. There now, I've put it on. See?

Playing up to that Southern snip

just as if I weren't there.

In the name of heaven, tell me,

what's wrong with me?

Oh, Bianca, there's nothing wrong with you.

Believe me, under other circumstances...

Well, who knows?

Oh, no. No, Bianca, please, stop crying.

Now, please, let me explain.

Now, let me start from the beginning.

Now, once there was a man who met a girl.

He'd been living alone for quite some time.

Well, he told the girl he loved her,

and naturally, he married said girl.

- Now in...

- What are you trying to say?

Just this.

Bianca...

- Doorbell! That's for me. I'll be right back.

- Well...

I'll be right back.

- Mr. Arden?

- Yes?

I'm Johnson of American Life

and Accident lnsurance.

- Come right in, Mr. Johnson.

- Oh, thank you.

- I'm sorry to be intruding at this hour.

- Not at all. Not at all.

I don't suppose you remember me,

but I met you at the Kiwanis get-together.

- Oh, really?

- The big one. Fourth of July last.

- I made a speech that day.

- How nice.

- I'm sorry to drag you out of your bed.

- Not at all. Glad you came.

Oh, delightful.

- This will only take a minute.

- Sit down. Stay a while.

Well, thank you.

What can I do for you?

Mr. Arden, have you received

any communication from your first wife...

...Ellen Wagstaff Arden?

No. Just as I expected.

You see, our district manager, Mr. Pusey,

is one of those fussbudgety types...

...who likes to check everything.

It's customary to check...

...when the company's paid out a large sum

of money, but this is ridiculous.

- What are you driving at?

- He claims to have a report...

...a rumor, really, that a woman

of your first wife's description...

- ...was rescued by a Portuguese freighter.

- Is that so?

As was also a man named

Stephen Burkett...

...who was reported drowned

at the same time.

- Would you mind saying that again?

- Please, don't be angry with me.

- If you knew Pusey...

- This Stephen Burkett...

...he was rescued at the same time

as my wife?

Well, according to this unverified rumor.

Then they were on that island

for seven years together?

Seven years.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

- What else did your Mr. Pusey hear?

- Well, not very much, really.

It seems he talked to somebody

who had talked to a Portuguese captain.

Listen to this. He says,

"The woman called the man Adam."

- Adam?

- Adam.

A far cry from Stephen.

Oh, it's all absurd.

What did he call her?

"Eve."

Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve. A delightful fancy.

- Yeah. Delightful.

- Yes.

You ought to be grateful it is only a fancy,

because, aside from the money...

...can you imagine the pickle

you'd be in if it weren't?

Well, then, that does it.

Come in.

Oh, Nick.

- How can you sleep at a time like this?

- I wasn't.

- No, dreaming about Adam, I suppose.

- Adam?

Yes, Adam! Adam! Adam and Eve!

Why didn't you tell me you weren't alone

and that Burkett was with you?

Why do you dissemble and deceive?

I've just met with the insurance...

- What are you laughing at?

- You, darling. That robe.

Never mind that, how am I gonna look?

My wife and this man

alone on an island for seven years.

- We didn't arrange it. It just happened.

- Yeah, I'll bet it did!

- Please, get that look out of your eye.

- Why didn't you tell me about him?

- I knew you'd carry on like you are now.

- That's no excuse!

- I wanted to pick the right time to tell you.

- There never will be a right time.

Seven years on an island. You mean

to tell me he didn't molest you in any way?

How could he? The poor fellow broke his

leg trying to drag our boat through the surf.

He was laid up for six months.

That still leaves six and a half years.

It just occurs to me

that I ought to feel insulted.

I go through seven years of agony.

I come home to find my husband

in the arms of another woman, married!

My children don't know me.

And all my husband can think of...

...is did I carry on with some poor man

who wouldn't hurt a fly!

- Now, just a moment!

- You, just a moment! Did you tell her?

- Did you?

- Well...

No! You got into costume.

- I was about to...

- How long does it take to tell a woman:

"My wife's come back"?

I can say it in two seconds.

You've had two days.

Oh, Nick...

...you don't wanna tell her.

That's why you're picking on poor Adam.

Any excuse will do.

Now, don't you start that, Ellen.

I'm sorry, but you can't blame me

after hearing about Burkett.

You'd always think the worst of me.

- Well, where is he now?

- Who?

- You know who I'm talking about!

- Oh, Adam.

Adam.

Jealous of poor Adam.

Gentle, harmless Adam.

- He lives at the YMCA.

- The YMCA?

He always lives at the YMCA. He's a

clean-living, upright, 100% American...

...and a gentleman.

Is there anything more you'd like to know?

- Yes. When do I meet him?

- When do you tell her?

- Good night.

- Good night.

Adam.

- Nick! Where are you going now?

- To the YMCA.

- Good morning.

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