My Fellow Americans Page #2

don't let him quote lyrics.

I can't think of anything more

fitting than to share with you...

...the words from that song.

Oh, Christ.

"Muskrat Susie

"Muskrat Sam

"Do the jitterbug out in Muskrat-land

"And they shimmy

"And Sammy's so skinny. "

How are you doing?

Hello, Senator.

Good to see you.

Nice to have seen you.

Mr. President, hello.

What a lovely surprise.

And how is my favorite

TV newsperson?

I'm your favorite?

I thought Diane Sawyer was.

She is. How is she?

Rumor has it a major scandal

is about to blow...

...and it may involve you.

No, not me, Kaye.

My nose is clean.

I heard that in your last year

in office you took a very generous...

..."fee"...

...for delivering a defense contract.

I'm just...

...looking for a confirmation.

Are you saying that

I took a kickback.?

Excuse me, got a minute?

Looks like Haney's involved

in this Kramer kickback story.

But a defense contractor's prepared

to say he paid Kramer off.

Then that's that Case closed

No, it's not. Our sources tell us

Haney's shifting the blame.

Word is, it was done over lunch.

- Really?

- Just you and the contractor.

Very cozy.

Who is this contractor?

Charlie Reynolds.

Oh, you're kidding.

You know I would tell you

the name of the contractor...

...if I was your favorite

TV newsperson.

But since I'm not...

Take care.

Did you hear that?

I did. It's a crock

and we both know it.

It's a kick in the balls.

Sorry, sweetheart.

I'm a politician's wife.

I have a set of my own.

I know you and Charlie were friends

but he's in over his head.

You're going to Washington

for the book convention?

It'd be a great time to talk to him.

I'd like to help you, Joe,

but I'm not getting involved.

If you do this for us...

...the Party'll be grateful.

We both know you want another crack

at the Oval Office.

I told you I was thinking about

running again. Just thinking.

The Party wouldn't back me.

Besides they wouldn't.

- Would they?

- Of course, they would.

I'm the Democratic Chairman.

We need your help.

If you're seriously considering

running again, you'll need ours.

When did this supposedly happen?

It was seven years ago.

I don't understand it.

Why me and why now?

Who'll benefit from framing me?

The President of the United States.

I thought about your offer.

Not that I'd run again...

...but you really think

the Party'd back me if I helped out?

It's already been discussed.

Really?

Now that I think of it

there is an extra bonus to this.

I either get the son of a b*tch

I hate...

Good to see you.

...or the son of a b*tch I really hate.

I'll do it.

Get me the name of that contractor.

You must dig that up.

I'll get right on it.

We agreed the zipper would be

in the up position.

it's part of the deal.

I wonder what they'd pay me

if I tattooed their logo on my ass.

- I could ask, sir.

- Just drive the cart!

I've actually thought about

playing professionally.

I do't know about that

I think the ladies' tour likes

their payers to be more masculine.

Hold this.

Thank you, Russ. That's for you.

You son of a

I'm so sorry

and I'm so embarrassed.

And I hope this doesn't scare you

away from golf.

Because it's such a great sport.

I know your people,

the black people...

...don't enjoy the game.

it's because you can't get into

the nice clubs, the restricted ones.

But blacks are so good

at many sports.

Maybe it's good that we white folk

have a sport you guys aren't so good at.

Mr. Vice President, this way.

- Is there a problem?

- There'll be less of one if you come.

So long.

I'm getting a cramp.

Interesting game.

You're playing pretty tough.

Tough enough to win, I hope.

Maybe.

You never know when

you'll get stuck with a bad lie.

Here I come, fighting back

from behind

Too little, too late.

You'll never catch us.

I'm pretty sure

I'll catch one of you.

Excellent work, Caldwell.

I'll be in touch.

What'd he find?

Charlie Reynolds is the frigging guy

who says I took the kickback.

Don't say "frigging. " If you must use

the F-word, go for the gold.

Why would he say that?

I think he's covering for Haney.

it's Haney's mess

and he's shifting it to me.

I didn't think he was that smart.

He learned from the master.

I met him once. Haney brought him

into the office for lunch.

As I remember, we sat around

talking about golf most of the time.

Now Reynolds is getting ready

to release an affidavit saying...

...that he was alone with me.

Don't do that with the liquor.

it's so... george Bush.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

If the meeting took place

in the Oval Office...

...then there's a record of it

in the log naming everyone present.

This is easy.

I send Caldwell to the archives...

...and get some hard evidence

I can shove in Reynolds' face.

Well done, dear.

Before we check out, do you want me

to steal the little shampoos?

Oh God, Margaret,

come on now. Please.

I already got them.

It's not there?!

I have the appointment log

right in front of me.

I see your name, Charles Reynolds'

name, and at the bottom...

...the word "Olympia" circled in red.

Sir?

Don't be a moron, Charlie! You're

saying you offered me a kickback...

...and I took it?!

That's how I remember it.

As I recall just the two of us

were there.

You were pleased about the deal.

Just the two of us?

Are you sure about that?

There's nothing more to discuss.

We have lots to discuss

How's this for o. peners?

You and your buddies tampering

with documents in the archives?

That'll be hard to explain

when you get subpoenaed.

I'm sorry, sir. I have no idea

what you're talking about.

I'm going to have to stand

by my original statement.

You'll have to stand alone.

- Let's go, Bruce.

- It's Jim.

Yeah, you're black and tall.

Whoopdee-frigging-do.

Mr. Reynolds...

...the president's here.

He just left.

No, another one.

Charlie, old buddy!

How about we take a walk?

Talk about old times.

I assure you...

...the arrangement was made

with President Kramer alone.

We're friends. I want to believe you,

but some people say it wasn't that way.

This is turning into

a huge political bomb.

Not that I mind, because when

it blows, my party's going to be in.

Look...

...Haney, Kramer,

one of them is going down.

Now the Democrats can offer you

immunity if you give us the name.

Now, come on, who took the kickback?

Please tell me it's Kramer.

If it is I'll give you

a big kiss on the lips.

Carl, I'm in a very tough spot here.

I know. There's nothing

to worry about.

Hang tight.

They came to my office yesterday!

They came to my place of business!

Now, look, I know we have a deal...

...but if I knew this would happen

I wouldn't have signed on.

Be calm and know you have the full.

power of the White House behind you.

Okay? I'll be in touch.

Reynolds sounds shaky.

I better get over there

and give our friend moral support.

Okay, folks, please step back.

Form a line

Everyone will get an autograph.

He wrote a cookbook How dare he?

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