My Fellow Americans Page #3

When he was President

he cooked for his guests.

That's not the point.

Did Washington write

about wooden teeth?

"Did Taft write

Thirty Days to a Slimmer Ass"?

It's shameful.

Mr. President?

It's okay, Chet.

Mr. Reynolds would appreciate

your signing this for his daughter.

Who? Charlie?

Be glad to.

There you go.

This'll make him very happy.

President Douglas...

...here's the sandwich you ordered.

Just one moment.

Chet, could you...?

I didn't order a sandwich.

Yes, sir.

Sandwich boy.

Come with us

Drop the bag.

Hands behind your back.

What'd I do?

- Don't move

- He said turkey and Swiss!

- What's in the bag?

- A sandwich.

You made the right choice.

I hope so, Matt.

Get in.

it's my duty to officially

serve you with a subpoena.

Oh, God. Did you have to do that?

I always admired you.

The hell...

My ex-wife.

Damn.

Don't ever get a divorce, Charlie.

I swear, half the time...

...i wish somebody'd

walk up and shoot me.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?!

What's going on. Douglas?

Oh, my God.

He's dead.

Oh, my God! What the hell?

Don't make a scene.

- What did you do?!

- What did I do?!

You caught me. We got in a fight

about your cookbook so I plugged him.

You got a problem

with my cookbook?

We are two ex-presidents

inches away from a dead man.

Not a good place to be.

What were you doing with Reynolds?

You know about Olympia, don't you?

- I know about the kickback you took.

- I didn't take one!

- What business is it of yours anyway?

- Where can we talk?

I know, follow me.

For the last time,

I'm telling everything I know.

And I don't have the slightest clue

what Olympia is?

Excuse me, Dad.

Did you want a drink?

Fruit juice, honey.

- Vodka tonic

- I'm sure we can swing that.

I never touch alcohol.

Dulls the senses.

You're full of sh*t.

Hi, there.

We're talking big-people talk.

Did you hear that?

Here, here.

Money. For you.

Thanks.

- Don't do that

- Why?

I'm showing him

how you got elected.

Play with me.

I can't right now Davy. But, here.

See, take this and run along.

Give me the gun.

You go hide. I'll count from 100

and then come find you. Okay?

Skedaddle. One hundred...

...ninety-nine...

Okay, where were we?

Maybe you weren't involved

in Charlie's death...

...but you're involved somehow.

I'm involved? What about you?

You were sitting in a dead man's car.

Now you know. I enjoy

spending time with dead men.

- You don't believe me?

- Go ahead and die.

It'll perk me up.

You...

Someone's here for you.

Good afternoon, sirs.

Colonel Paul Tanner, NSA.

President Haney must meet with

the both of you as quickly as possible.

We have transportation

to Camp David.

How'd you find us here?

We know where you are

at all times, sir.

That's our business.

Major...

...is there a problem? The flight

to Camp David isn't this long.

My orders didn't mention Camp David.

We were told we were going

to Camp David to see Haney.

Sir, as far as know,

President Haney's at the White House.

Something's wrong.

- Now what?

- Haney's in Washington.

They are taking us out

in the middle of nowhere.

That duplicitous little turd.

I want to speak to the White House.

I'm sorry. I've been. instructed

to maintain radio silence.

Then put this bird on the ground, now!

That's an order.

Respectfully sir, I can't do that.

My orders are classified.

All right...

Land this contraption or

I'll blow your head off!

You said you wanted

to maintain radio silence...

What the hell?!

Don't shoot a gun in a confined area!

You want to deafen us.

Just get out of the chopper.

- Get out of the chopper!

- The crops?

Get out!

What we do now?

It's our butts if we let them

out of sight.

If I have to get a hearing aid

after this, I'm sending you the bill.

if I have to listen to you b*tch,

I'll beat you to death with my shoe!

Now what the hell are they doing?

Get out of here!

Go on, get going! Shoo! Shoo!

They're not leaving.

Maybe if you make a scary face...

Wait a minute, Einstein.

We never had to leave the chopper!

You've got their gun!

We could've made them

take us back to Washington.

Now you figure that out!

As usual, a Republican comes up

with a plan while the Democrat...

...wanders in the woods.

Flag them down.

Come on down.

Bring it down.

Bring... it... down!

They're down.

I don't believe this it's madness.

You know what gives me the red ass?

The red ass?

Haney's behind all this.

Damn it, he's not going to get

away with it. We'll go public.

I'll call Kaye Griffin.

We'll go on TV and tell them about

Reynolds, murder and the explosion.

Are you crazy?

We can't go public without evidence.

We'll look like couple of morons.

The people will believe us!

Why?

Because we're presidents.

They won't believe us.

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Call Douglas's and Kramer's families.

Tell them the presidents're called

on an emergency summit.

They will not be reachable and

we have no further information.

Unless you find them in the wreckage...

...they're still out there with

about a three-hour head start.

Put up the checkpoints for

ten miles around the crash site.

I want this resolved tonight.

I'm hungry. Give me one of those

Tootsie Rolls you've got.

Wait a minute.

Here's half. You owe me.

I owe you?

What, a penny? Man, you are

one cheap son of a b*tch.

I am one cheap son of a b*tch.

That's what'll save our backsides!

I had the White House kitchen staff

track every meal.

They have a record of

everything served, and to whom.

You're cheaper than I thought.

Stow it, sailor!

The log will prove Haney was

at that lunch with Reynolds.

And it's not in the National Archives,

it's in my presidential library in Ohio.

So I just call the library and have

them fax the records to key people.

No, you can't call.

Somebody wants us dead, when they

find we're not, they'll look for us.

They'll be tapping phones.

Our home phones, office phones...

How'll we contact the library?

it's a nice night to walk to Ohio.

- We don't know what state we're in.

- Come on, Grandpa.

What'd you say?

You heard me.

Try to keep up with me, buster.

Joe Hollis?

Thank you.

Hello, Joe.

What an unexpected and

blood-curdeling surprise.

Just know how to make a girl

get all gooey inside.

- What've you heard about the scandal?

- Not a word.

Excuse me, my salad's getting cold.

Kramer's office cancelled

all of his appointments.

He's disappeared.

I have a tough time keeping track

of the Democrats-

Douglas disappeared too.

What a coincidence.

If I hear so much as one word,

you'll be the first to know.

Come on, what's going on here?

Is it possible Kramer and Douglas

are in on this together?

Over their dead bodies.

How's it going?

Are you them?

Are you the real guys?

Yeah, we are.

Oh, man!

I think you're awesome.

No fair peeking.

Sorry about that.

I'm just kidding.

I think you're doing a great job too.

It's an honor.

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