My Fellow Americans Page #4

No. I can't shake right now.

I have to keep my hands

on the first penis.

No problem.

it's a pleasure to meet ya!

The first...

...penis?

I think that's what I'll call it

from now on.

What do you think, Blinky?

What's the deal?

Bobby didn't say anything

about presidents.

Figured I was working alone.

It don't matter none.

What's your name?

Matt Douglas.

No, stupid. I know you're

supposed to look like.

What are your real names?

Tom and...

This is Blinky.

Tom and Blinky.

I'm Francis.

Let's get one thing straight.

No sharing tips. it's every man

for himself until we get to Cleveland.

Now let's rock and roll...

We'll be right there.

Cleveland?

We're out of the woods, Blinky.

You dirty son of a-

Hey, everybody.

Thank you very much.

This is going to be fun.

It's spooky.

He really looks like him.

His nose is bigger.

Have you ever met the real

President Kramer?

Actually, I have. A great American.

Give me a break.

"Our dreams are like children.

They need to be nurtured.

"They need to be supported. "

"They need to eat vegetables. "

Prick.

This is so weird. I shouldn't

tell you this, but two years ago...

...I had a thing with the real Douglas,

at a Fourth of July do.

And we did it.

How about that.

Stick a fork in him, he's done.

He was a president.

He had his four years.

We don't need

another crappy book.

I thought he was a good president.

All these old guys want to stay

in the game, but they don't have it.

Lie down, you're dead

and you don't know it.

Did you see that?

A muscle spasm.

I've been getting them lately.

I'm terribly sorry.

There it goes again.

It just seems that-

It's very embarrassing.

I better take my medication.

I hope you don't mind my asking,

but how was he? Any good?

It was a lot like his presidency.

There was a lot of talk leading

up to it, then he didn't do much.

Excuse me.

Douglas, this thing stops in Akron...

...which isn't far from Cuyahoga Falls,

where my library is.

What's it doing there?

Weren't you born in Cleveland?

Yeah, but Cleveland wouldn't cut me

a decent deal on property taxes.

Moving that house was a b*tch.

But the financial benefits

have been fantastic.

I don't think we'll make it

to Akron

Let's start at the front

and move back.

Meet us at the next station.

That's where we'll pull them off.

Oh, great.

The end of the line.

My God! How will we do this?

Simple. Jump, tuck, and roll.

It's all hay and grass out there.

It's the "amber waves of grain... '

I can't.

You can.

- I can't!

- You can do it!

- I can't

- Close your eyes.

- We'll jump together.

- Don't give me that.

- I can't do this!

- Close them!

Count!

One!

Two!

God, that felt good.

One, two, three.

Jesus.

Where are you?

Damn it!

Stop yelling, you dick.

Where are you?

I'm over here.

Nice "amber waves. "

I got a chunk of

"purple mountain majesty" up my ass.

Here.

Just don't. Just don't help me.

I don't need you helping me.

That's fine by me.

Let's go.

Do you smell food?

I'm out of money.

Lend me five bucks for a burger.

- What kind of burger?

- The one with bacon.

it's $1.99.

You want $5 to buy

a $1.99 hamburger?

And you wonder why

the Democrats are in trouble.

We got company.

Do you know who those two guys are?

They're presidents.

Cool.

Presidents of what?

Cleveland, Ohio.

I hope this works.

We have no other choice.

Hi. I'm Matt Douglas.

This is President Kramer.

How do you do?

I'm sure it's a bit overwhelming

for you to meet us like this.

We're on a fact-finding mission for

the Interstate Commerce Commission.

Headed for Ohio?

We have to ride with you so

we can gain a personal perspective...

...on the transportation capabilities

of our interstate system.

Nobody rides for free.

Cost you 50 bucks.

We don't have any cash.

I'll take your watch.

You must be joking.

That's a Constellation.

It was given to me by Gorbachev.

This really steams my clams.

There are two watches like that

in the entire world.

Reagan has one, and now Shamu,

the killer hick, has the other.

Shut up. We don't want

to piss her off.

These burritos, really great.

Better you're eating them.

I'm dieting.

Really? You don't need to.

What's wrong with you?

I'm obese.

I don't think you are.

You must be one of those rare gals...

...who look good carrying an extra

one-, two hundred pounds.

What are you saying? I'm a fat pig.

You Washington boys don't know

the truth when it bites you in the butt.

Nice job not pissing her off.

So, what are we hauling?

Nothing exciting. Farm equipment.

I must pull over.

Not to worry anybody, but you

might want to make a run for it.

What the hell...?

Come on, come on, come on.

Halt. Stop where you are.

Immigration and Naturalization Service.

What?

Farm equipment! I knew that

damn broad was trouble.

All I care is that chopper's not for us.

That chopper's for us.

This is INS One-One.

You are interfering with an official

operation. Vacate the area.

We are in the middle of a highly

classified NSA peration.

You are ordered to leave the area.

I will not abort my mission without

verification of your authority.

Verification acknowledged.

Have a nice night.

Seores...

...down here!

- What do you have?

- Nothing over here!

Let's face it, Douglas.

We're dead.

They not kill you, Seor.

They send you back.

You wait one month

then you try again.

I try four times already.

I love this country.

Do me a favor. Put "el socko" in it.

Don't mind him. He's just cranky...

...'cause he has a tiny penis.

What's your name?

Ernesto. What's yours?

Russell with the tiny penis?

Bingo.

Are you talking about me?

Are you cold?

Here. Take this.

- No, no, it's okay.

- Take it.

I could be dead soon. I won't need it.

Now you take this.

- No, don't worry about it.

- Take it.

You give to me now, I give to you.

it's helped me get to my new home.

Maybe this'll help you get

where you have to go.

Thanks.

Damn it.

They're coming.

- You're crazy.

- It is true!

Everyone in this country has a gun.

There he goes!

My coat. They think he's me.

He's not, so he'll be okay.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, hey, by the way...

I speak Spanish fluently...

Let's talk.

- Why?

- I'm bored.

I have nothing to say.

I have nothing to say to you

We can still talk

My parents proved that conclusively.

What do you miss most

about the office?

I don't miss anything.

I don't live in the past.

What about Rita?

God, I do miss Rita. Greatest cook

the White House ever had.

The only cook the White House ever had.

She started with Washington.

When I couln't sleep, I'd go

downstairs and she'd make a dessert

It was cream puff with

raspberry sauce and, I don't know...

Did you ever had one of her pizzas?

It was like a wet dream

with a crust.

A wet dream?

I don't need to hear Russell Kramer

saying the words, "wet dream. "

I'll wake up screaming every night.

- There's nothing wrong with wet dreams.

- Stop.

I had a few as a kid.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes