My Friend Dahmer Page #4

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doing the Martin

Luther king "I have

a dream" speech,

right at the Lincoln memorial.

I play football,

bakderf, not charades.

John bakderf

and a Neil Davis.

Jeffrey dahmer

and Charlie Smith.

Dahmer.

We're right here.

Uh, if he tries to rape you

in the middle of the night,

just knock.

Ok.

So we're roommates, huh?

Yep.

"Three's company" is so obvious.

Huh?

Mr. roper.

He's an idiot.

Taxi's on in a few.

Is it hard being the

only black guy in our class?

Nah.

Your palms are less black.

I wonder, are your insides

the same as my insides?

Like, your stomach is the

same color as my stomach?

It's totally bogus we didn't

get to meet the president.

Why didn't we just stay in Ohio

and meet our state senators?

I dare you.

- To what?

- Call Carter.

See if he's free.

Jeff, please.

What's the worst

thing that can happen?

Ok, what about vice

president mondale?

That's impossible.

If you want to.

This is pointless.

It's our last day here,

we should get lunch.

Hi, can you

connect me to the vice

President of the United States?

Yeah, his office please.

Thank you.

It's ringing.

What?

It's ringing.

Hello?

Yes, we're from William

dawes high in Ohio.

Just in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, we're honor students, and

part of the school newspaper,

and we're very

interested in politics.

And we were wondering if we

could interview you as an aide

to the vice president

of the United States?

Yes.

Uh huh.

We are... one minute...

on constitutional Avenue.

Uh huh.

Ok.

Great.

Great.

We're in.

We're in.

What?

Come on.

Dahmer's got balls,

man, he's slick.

We have an

appointment in an hour.

So you get to sit in meetings

with the vice president?

Sometimes.

Really?

Where is his office?

Well, wait!

Mr. vice president.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Just a second.

These kids are

with the newspaper,

their school newspaper from...

Ohio.

Ohio.

That's a great state.

Our fellow midwesterners,

I'm from Minnesota.

So you want to pursue journalism

when you grow up, or what?

Well I want to draw

cartoons, but not for TV.

I want to draw comics.

Well that's great,

as long as you don't draw

any political ones about me.

I won't do that.

Young lady?

I want to be a teacher.

That's nice.

I really don't know.

Don't worry,

you got plenty of time

to figure it out.

Professor?

You know, or my dad wants

me to go into real estate.

What about you?

Biology.

Great.

You ought to pursue that.

I'm sure you'll be happy

no matter what you choose.

You might want to

consider politics.

An admirable

profession, young lady.

Enjoy d. C kids.

Thank you, sir.

Nice to meet you.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Yes.

Hey.

Dahmer.

I'm professor mondale and

you're gonna have a very

bright future ahead of you.

Thank you, son.

How'd it go?

You all right?

It was great.

You know

that it has been

difficult with your mother.

I don't want to say

anything bad about her.

Just...

is she going

back to the hospital?

Not exactly.

When you were younger...

but then life gets in the...

I work and... so while you were

away, I moved into a motel.

It's just down the block.

I just thought it would be

easier while you were away.

You ok?

It'll be amicable.

Hey, kid.

I know you spoke to your dad.

You ok?

Aw.

Do you want to talk to

somebody about it now?

Hmm.

Ok.

Get some sleep honey.

Hello.

You're running a cold, huh?

I think so.

I've been getting chills.

Well, it's always

good to see your patients.

So, a physical maybe?

Stick out

your tongue, say "ah."

Ah.

Ok.

Tonsils look good.

All right.

Turn your head.

Let's look in those ears.

Do you do surgery?

No.

Why not?

Turn your head.

Well, I like caring

for people, but I'm

not the type of person who wants

to cut someone open, so this.

I almost became a podiatrist.

Less blood.

Yeah.

Exactly.

What about what's

on a patient's mind?

You

mean a psychiatrist?

Ok.

Just relax, ok?

Take a deep breath.

Good.

And another deep breath.

Well, you seem healthy to me.

Now before I weigh you, does

it hurt when you urinate?

Uh, no.

Ok.

And are you sexually active?

What kind?

Sort of.

Well,

you're at that age.

Ok.

Drop your underpants.

Ok.

Cough.

Ok, good.

Cough again.

And cough one more time.

I'm finished.

You can pull up your pants.

Jeff, dinner.

Just... a minute.

Go away.

- Jeff?

- Go away.

Jeffrey was really hot.

Shut up, gross.

No she's not.

Yes.

Neil, your mom's smoking too.

Yeah.

So is that car she drives.

The Jaguar?

The piece of sh*t?

Your mom's

extraordinarily hot.

Yeah so...

I've jerked off

to your mom before.

Jesus Christ.

Well I've jerked

off in my room,

I've jerked off to

your mom before.

Not going to lie, I have too.

I banged her.

That is true.

- No you didn't.

- Come on derf.

What, you haven't banged

your best friend's mom?

You guys haven't

actually banged

your best friend's mom, right?

You're just messing with me.

Of course not.

Can you believe it?

I wish I

had a best friend.

Jesus, dahmer.

Forgot you were over there.

Freaked me out.

You guys want to head

inside and raid the fridge

before my folks get home?

Put that out?

Just give me one sec.

Come on.

Hold up.

What's dahmer up to?

I don't know.

Something about last weekend

in your clubhouse kinda

creeped me out.

Jeff's a little off, you know?

Well yeah, but that's what

we like about him, right?

Do you guys think that the

way we treat him is mean?

What?

No.

- No.

Why?

Are you sure?

No.

I... I think...

I think he seems to enjoy it.

I think if he didn't want

to, he wouldn't do it.

Right?

What do you think?

I don't know.

I'm cool with it.

Ok.

Who wants the back seat of pain?

Shotgun.

I got shotgun.

They here?

Yes!

Oh, thank god.

Finally, finally.

Have you looked at them?

- Yeah, I snuck a peak.

- What?

- No!

- Sorry.

Check them out.

- Wait.

No, derf, before we open

them we got to get Jeff.

Come on, Neil's

seen them already.

- Nope.

- Jeff's in the photos...

you lost.

Outvoted.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh!

Look.

You see it?

Yeah, I'm seeing it.

That is... holy sh*t.

Oh good, it's here.

Here, let's see.

So that's... that's

honor society.

Or no, that's debate club,

that's honor society.

What is Jeff dahm...

he is not in any of these clubs.

Who did this?

I took the photos,

but I believe...

- I believe he is in...

- he's not in debate.

He's not here, and

he's not in that...

excuse me, what are you...

oh no.

Wait, what are you...

its that really necessary?

I just...

I'm not... I'm not

being irrational.

It's just that he cannot...

mom?

He can't take my son.

Mom.

Why does he even want Dave?

He can't take care of Dave.

What's he going to do?

What's he gonna do with him?

Mom.

I don't know.

I just think that

you've somehow gotten

into a scenario where you're

somehow representing him

and not me.

Whose lawyer are you?

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