My Friend Irma Goes West Page #8

to bring you a special news bulletin.

The Sheriff's Office has informed us

that a girl, Irma Peterson...

has been kidnapped

by the notorious Corrigan mob.

All persons with any knowledge

of this girl's whereabouts...

please report

to the Sheriff's Office immediately.

Steve, take me to

the Sheriff's Office, quick.

All right, folks,

I'm hereby authorizing a posse.

I want to remind you that this

is dangerous work. These men are killers.

Any volunteers?

- I'm one.

- Here, too.

I'll join.

- You can count me in, Sheriff.

- Be careful, Steve.

Need more men. Any other volunteers?

- I'll go, Sheriff.

- What about you, Al?

- Come on, men, I need more volunteers.

- I'll sign up.

I'm with you, Sheriff.

I want to tell you that

there's a $5,000 reward for this mob.

Sheriff, count me in.

Okay. Do you wanna be a regular deputy?

Pays $14 a day.

- Go the limit.

- Swear him in, Jim.

- Here you are.

- Hear, hear!

I hear there's a call for able-bodied men.

- Yeah, do you know one?

- I know me. I'm able. I'm a man.

And despite what you think, this is a body.

I'm sorry, son, I can't take you

without your mother's permission.

How's that?

Okay, follow them the best way you can.

A car answering that description

was seen on Highway 31...

- and headed for the Coyote Hills.

- Coyote Hills?

They ever get up in there,

nobody but an Indian could find them.

Bill, send out a call to bring in

the Indian scouts from the village.

Indian scouts? I'm a member.

When the Indians adopted me...

they told me what to do

in case they needed help.

I'll take care of everything.

All right, everybody.

You deputies take control.

Get in squad cars

and converge on Highway 31.

You better stay out of this, miss.

Might get pretty rough.

Listen, Sheriff, you haven't got enough men

to keep me out of this.

Not when it concerns my friend Irma.

Give me a gun.

Gentlemen, how do I look?

What do you care how you look?

You ain't going no place.

Yeah, if your boyfriend don't come

through with the dough soon...

where you're going,

you ain't gonna need any makeup.

Your play, Pete.

That's not a very nice way to speak to me.

After all, remember, I'm your house guest.

Will you tell that dame to shut up?

She yaps all day.

Twenty years of my life

I spent in three different clinks...

and this is the first time

I'm going stir-crazy.

- I'm gonna let her have it.

- Take it easy, Pete.

We're waiting for the ransom dough.

The dame's no good to us dead.

Alive, she's won'th $50,000.

Say, I've been meaning

to ask you about that.

$50,000...

and I weigh a 115 pounds. That'd be...

That means that you're asking...

$444.53 a pound.

You know, meat prices have come down.

I'm gonna bump that screwball dame off.

I can't concentrate on my cards!

Don't let her get you down, Pete.

Look at me. She don't get on my nerves.

Ignore her.

- Jack of spades. You need it?

- No.

Why don't you knock?

- Give me that gun. I'll bump her off.

- Take it easy, Slim.

Don't let her get on your nerves.

Shut your trap before you drive us nuts.

All right.

But remember, if you ever ask me

back here again, I refuse the invitation.

Ain't you getting my message?

This is a tribe?

Where's the rest of the relatives?

Maybe the rest of them are in the wigwam.

All right, Laughing Nothing.

Make smoke signal.

Come, find white girl.

Hey, they've answered our signal.

Come on.

Hey, you blonde screwball,

how about some grub?

Please, gentlemen, I'll admit I'm a blonde.

I'd like to knock that dame off

and forget about the dough.

Keep your shirt on.

Come on, boys, we gotta blow.

Another mouth to feed.

- What's that dame doing here?

- We're holding her for ransom.

- For ransom?

- Yeah.

Yeah, we didn't knock off Al.

We're holding his dame for the $50,000.

You idiots. This towrs too hot.

They found that wheel was wired.

Now you got a kidnap rap against us?

Forget about any $50,000.

Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute. That dame's liable to talk.

We gotta knock her off.

Let me do that.

Don't shoot her in the head.

The bullet will never go through.

All right, sister, come on out.

Are you coming out

or do I have to come in after you?

Where are the other gentlemen?

I prepared one of my best meals.

Sister, I'm gonna have to bump you off.

And begging ain't gonna help.

I'm not begging,

I'm just picking up the dishes.

- Why are you doing this to me, sir?

- Shut up and count to 10.

But I don't want to die. I'm too young.

I'm not even married.

Although I've been engaged for five years,

I've never had any children.

I want to be a mother.

It'd be better for your kids

if I bump you off.

No. Who will take them to school?

You see, I've never had much

out of life yet.

I miss my mother and my father.

- They were just like parents to me.

- Shut up and start counting.

One.

Two.

Two and a half.

Two and three quarters.

Now, you quit stalling for time,

'cause I'll plug you at five.

Don't be impatient.

That still gives me three hours.

Please don't kill me.

Excuse me, sir, you dropped your gun.

As I was saying...

As I was saying...

As I was saying...

I don't care what you were saying.

I'm gonna plug you.

Three, four.

Six!

Stop it, Irma! It's me, Seymour!

I don't speak to strange animals.

Irma!

Irma, you're hitting the wrong head!

I'm just taking pot-luck!

Miss Peterson...

I'm prepared to offer you a part

in Miss Yvonne's next picture, Congo Girl.

Of course, I realize

you haven't acted before...

but the exploitation value to me

will be tremendous.

Wait a minute. I also want the young man.

I'm awfully sorry,

no more of this Hollywood business for me.

- Right, honey?

- Right, Steve.

I do not mean you.

I mean that wonderful, young personality.

He's magnificent.

She can't mean Seymour?

Yes, Seymour. Where is that darling boy?

Look, here he is.

That's the baby.

Look at that face. He will be just perfect.

Wake up, kid. They want you for Hollywood.

Seymour, have just persuaded them

to put you and Irma in a picture...

- as a package deal.

- Me?

- Is this on the level?

- You will be wonderful.

Well, I always knew I was a great actor.

Here, my boy. I shart forget you. Here.

You shall be my stand-in.

Press my clothes and do various small things

around the studio.

Yes, you shall all benefit.

And you, my French beauty,

I will love you and kiss you.

Love you and kiss you.

Love you and kiss you.

For this you get paid?

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